i am scared.
I'm worried about caitlin....i'm very worried about her. Lastnight i left early because patrick feels that as soon as church is over that we need to leave and never gives me any time to spend with caitlin and i feel so bad about doing that now because caitlin got to talking to glen and got on the "guys are better than girls" bullshit and it really upset caitlin. She didnt get online lastnight and i missed her today so far. I am really worried about her because in her journal she said she really wanted to slash. I am so scared that one day she will do something like that because i wasnt there for her. How can i expect to be a good b/f to her if im 800 miles away? I cant ever be there for her; to protect her and just let her know she isnt alone. I love her very much. More than i have ever loved anyone and it scares me to think she will do something to hurt herself. I couldnt live with myself if she did that.....i would feel to guilty. I already feel so guilty for not staying with her after church. DAMN IT WHY CANT I JUST GET A FUCKING CAR!!!??? I mean damn this shit. Everyone seems to think "oh look john has a crush and a little girlfriend" and it's starting to piss me the fuck off! They dont seem to realize how serious i am about her. they think i have no fucking clue as to what im doing or think im nieve and that i dont really love her. well if i know anything it's that i DO love caitlin! Why the fuck wont anyone ever take me serious. I told my parents that i need a fucking car and they say "there is more to life than your little girlfriend" and yes that is true but the only thing that is more to life is God. Nothing else fucking matters to me but her and God and i will do anything in my power to be the best i can for her and God!!!!!!!!! These fuckers are gonna start taking me more seriously!