FIC: Life Imitates Art
I hate you all. I HATE YOU ALL.
Title: Life Imitates Art
Author: Amy (alexia@innergeekdom.net)
Fandom: Muppets/Grey's Anatomy RPF
Spoilers: ...Okay, no.
Summary: Pretty much just read the fandoms. Cause that's the plot. (Piggy/Kermit, Piggy/Dempsey, past Pepe/Joan Cusack)
Rating: PG-13
Notes: I am so, so sorry. Also, this is no way my fault. I am blaming pirateygoodness. And voleuse. And pearl_o, for not being here in my time of NEED. Fucking Dempsey.
Also, warnings for possibe interspecies intergenerational romance, and interspecies intergenerational adultery. Um. yeah.
1,500 words
It wasn't that Kermit didn't like Patrick Dempsey. He seemed like a nice guy. Funny. Charming. He wasn't a bad actor, either. Back in the eighties, Kermit had even gotten a tape of Can't Buy Me Love. It was probably still in the studio, somewhere, waiting for someone to remember to rewind and give it back to whoever had actually paid money for it.
So, no. Kermit wasn't anti-Dempsey. It was just that, well, she was a pig. And he was a man. A married man. There was no way it could work out.
At least, Kermit didn't think there was.
Rizzo wasn't so sure. His finger always on the pulse of the nation, he'd taken to RatVoing Grey's Anatomy. Although he disapproved of the show's inherent bias ("They get all this publicity about color-blind casting," he'd complained bitterly, "but how many rats are in the cast? Exactly."), he'd been getting sucked into the show despite himself. The day before Dempsey arrived on set, he'd made sure to tell Kermit the whole McDreamy and Meredith storyline in painful detail. "Piggy could be his Meredith," he cautioned. "You don't want to see a pig who got screwed over on prom night."
Pepe, who was a fan of the show entirely because it sometimes showed Katie Heigl in her underpants, was even more helpful. "His last wife was twice his age, okay?" he said. "She was his manager. Now his wife, she does not so much like when he talks about sex. The man has a very strange taste in women, you know. I heard he once tried to marry a goat in the south. They made a movie about it."
Kermit tried to tell him that it had been called Sweet Home Alabama, actually, but Pepe could not be convinced.
But Kermit really didn't dislike the guy. Dempsey was great. His first day on the set, no one had known what to do with him, but he gamely agreed to play thankless a role in Veterinarian's Hospital, be pelted with tomatoes, and attempt to sing the theme song to his show with half a dozen bears sitting next to him in a rocket ship. In the process of filming, he performed an impossible task: he befriended the biggest diva in the company.
Truthfully, it was because he was as vain as she was. The entire cast talked about it, the way you couldn't walk by a mirror that week without seeing Piggy and Patrick primping side by side. They formed a bond there, Kermit knew. A bond so sacred that no frog could break it.
He thought it was cute.
"He's encroaching on your territory, man," Rizzo insisted. "He's taking your woman."
"I don't have a woman," Kermit insisted. At Rizzo's knowing glance, Kermit gulped hard. "I don't."
"Not after the Dempsey gets to her," Pepe agreed, from his position as Rizzo's sergeant-at-arms. "They call him McDreamy, okay? Do you know what that means?"
"I think it means he's a TV actor," Kermit said carefully. "Are you dating Joan Cusack?"
"Not since she wouldn't return my calls," Pepe said darkly.
Bad example. Kermit turned to Rizzo. "Were you ever in Dickensian England?"
"Once, after a few too many mojitos."
"They're roles," Kermit insisted. "He's just playing a role where he pretends to be a really appealing neurosurgeon on television."
"Once," Pepe offered, "he was in a threesome with Jensen Ackles and Poppy Montgomery."
Kermit gave up.
For three days, people would come up to him with advice. No matter how often he insisted that Dempsey and Piggy were just friends, the rumors persisted. Everyone felt the need to reassure him in new and strange ways. Right after filming Veterinarian's Hospital, Rowlf came over to assure Kermit that everyone on set was just joking. Three different people came over to assure him that Meredith was better with the vet than Shepherd anyway, which he was starting to think was some exceptionally strange code for drugs until he remembered the story Rizzo had told him. Then he thought they were all crazier than usual.
At least, he did until he accidentally walked in on them in Piggy's dressing room while trying to find one of Lew Zealand's stray boomerang fish before one of the cats got to them.
"I'm dead serious, Miss Piggy," Dempsey was saying. "I would leave my wife for you."
Kermit flattened himself against a wall, which was easier to do than it might have been for someone who wasn't just under three feet tall and made entirely of felt.
Piggy gave a little squeal. "For me?"
"Yes." Even without seeing it, Kermit knew Patrick's smile could have dissolved glaciers. "I would leave Addison in a heartbeat."
"Addison?"
"Jill," he said quickly. "I meant Jill. Sorry."
They both burst out laughing, and Kermit realized that it had been a joke all along. Relieved, he knocked loudly on the wall and entered. "Excuse me!" he called cheerfully. "Lew seems to have lost some of his prize boomerang fish, and-"
"Kermie!" Piggy exclaimed, sounding even more delighted than usual. "It is so good to see you! Kermit. My love." She gave Dempsey a significant look there, which Kermit chose not to notice.
Instead, he relaxed. Leaned against the wall. "Have you seen Lew's fish, Piggy?" he asked.
"I think they're in Fozzie's box of rubber chickens," Patrick said. "I saw him put them down there by mistake."
"Oh," Kermit said. "Thanks, Patrick."
"Anytime," he said with a grin. Then he turned back to the mirror to fix a few strands of his hair. Piggy, taking a cue, immediately began doing the same.
It was weird, but Kermit almost felt left out.
Nah.
"Alright, then," he said. "I guess I should be off. Producing. Directing. Big show this week."
"Yeah," Patrick said absently. "Definitely."
"So." Kermit hopped up. "I'll just be leaving now, then."
"Au revoir, Kermie!" Piggy called after him. But he couldn't help but think she was kind of glad he was gone.
But he wasn't really disappointed that Piggy had a new friend. Okay, maybe he was a little jealous. But that was made up for by the freedom.
Piggy wasn't clinging to him anymore. Over the next few weeks, instead of demanding Kermit pay attention to her between scenes, she would call Patrick and they would talk about their hair. And the paparazzi weren't harassing Kermit anymore; they hung around the theatre, of course, but it was to catch shots of Piggy climbing into Dempsey's car, or sometimes exchanging a coveted photo-opportunity hug.
Kermit still got asked to sign things whenever he went places, but he wasn't constantly mobbed. That was Dempsey's job now, the role of a real star on a major network's number one hit. And Kermit was glad it wasn't him.
There were other perks, too. Dempsy got them all Grey's Anatomy scrubs, which were surprisingly comfortable to wear on set between costume changes. A few weeks later, he got them all a visit on set over the summer, where Kermit made fast friends with T.R. Knight and Rowlf got a job as a music consultant and Fozzie convinced them to write a guest star role for a bear comedian with a burst appendix. (Pepe wanted to meet Katie, but apparently she was off somewhere with Kate Walsh.) But mostly, all their joy came from Piggy's. She seemed so happy.
Maybe that was why the break-up was harder than any of them expected.
It happened, as all important things did, in Piggy's dressing room, where Dempsey had made a habit of napping when Piggy's scenes went overtime. It was vicious, it was angry, and most of all, it was loud.
Piggy had stormed out of her own dressing room, then. Dempsey left almost immediately, in the opposite direction. This was immediately following the only exchange that had been heard throughout the studio.
"I cannot believe you!" she'd shouted. "I cannot believe you would do this to me! And with that- that whore!"
That was when Kermit came up to investigate, only to run into a group of Muppets leaning against a wall. Experience had taught him to stop walking and just ask them what happened.
"New York and Company," Scooter whispered. "Dempsey's doing an ad."
"Oh," Kermit said.
"With Ellen," Gonzo added. "Pompeo."
"Ohhhhhhh," Kermit said. That explained everything.
Dempsey called him that night. It was the first time he'd ever called Kermit ("Sorry," he'd apologized, "but I thought frogs didn't have ears"), and it was clear the man was desperate. "I don't want her to hate me," he said.
"Are you modeling with another woman?" Kermit asked.
"Well, yes."
"Then I think you're out of luck." It made him sad to have to hang up on Dempsey after that, given all that he'd done for the Muppets, but a frog's gotta do what a frog's gotta do.
The next day, Piggy came in to work wearing a Team Addison tee shirt. Nobody said a word.
Title: Life Imitates Art
Author: Amy (alexia@innergeekdom.net)
Fandom: Muppets/Grey's Anatomy RPF
Spoilers: ...Okay, no.
Summary: Pretty much just read the fandoms. Cause that's the plot. (Piggy/Kermit, Piggy/Dempsey, past Pepe/Joan Cusack)
Rating: PG-13
Notes: I am so, so sorry. Also, this is no way my fault. I am blaming pirateygoodness. And voleuse. And pearl_o, for not being here in my time of NEED. Fucking Dempsey.
Also, warnings for possibe interspecies intergenerational romance, and interspecies intergenerational adultery. Um. yeah.
1,500 words
It wasn't that Kermit didn't like Patrick Dempsey. He seemed like a nice guy. Funny. Charming. He wasn't a bad actor, either. Back in the eighties, Kermit had even gotten a tape of Can't Buy Me Love. It was probably still in the studio, somewhere, waiting for someone to remember to rewind and give it back to whoever had actually paid money for it.
So, no. Kermit wasn't anti-Dempsey. It was just that, well, she was a pig. And he was a man. A married man. There was no way it could work out.
At least, Kermit didn't think there was.
Rizzo wasn't so sure. His finger always on the pulse of the nation, he'd taken to RatVoing Grey's Anatomy. Although he disapproved of the show's inherent bias ("They get all this publicity about color-blind casting," he'd complained bitterly, "but how many rats are in the cast? Exactly."), he'd been getting sucked into the show despite himself. The day before Dempsey arrived on set, he'd made sure to tell Kermit the whole McDreamy and Meredith storyline in painful detail. "Piggy could be his Meredith," he cautioned. "You don't want to see a pig who got screwed over on prom night."
Pepe, who was a fan of the show entirely because it sometimes showed Katie Heigl in her underpants, was even more helpful. "His last wife was twice his age, okay?" he said. "She was his manager. Now his wife, she does not so much like when he talks about sex. The man has a very strange taste in women, you know. I heard he once tried to marry a goat in the south. They made a movie about it."
Kermit tried to tell him that it had been called Sweet Home Alabama, actually, but Pepe could not be convinced.
But Kermit really didn't dislike the guy. Dempsey was great. His first day on the set, no one had known what to do with him, but he gamely agreed to play thankless a role in Veterinarian's Hospital, be pelted with tomatoes, and attempt to sing the theme song to his show with half a dozen bears sitting next to him in a rocket ship. In the process of filming, he performed an impossible task: he befriended the biggest diva in the company.
Truthfully, it was because he was as vain as she was. The entire cast talked about it, the way you couldn't walk by a mirror that week without seeing Piggy and Patrick primping side by side. They formed a bond there, Kermit knew. A bond so sacred that no frog could break it.
He thought it was cute.
"He's encroaching on your territory, man," Rizzo insisted. "He's taking your woman."
"I don't have a woman," Kermit insisted. At Rizzo's knowing glance, Kermit gulped hard. "I don't."
"Not after the Dempsey gets to her," Pepe agreed, from his position as Rizzo's sergeant-at-arms. "They call him McDreamy, okay? Do you know what that means?"
"I think it means he's a TV actor," Kermit said carefully. "Are you dating Joan Cusack?"
"Not since she wouldn't return my calls," Pepe said darkly.
Bad example. Kermit turned to Rizzo. "Were you ever in Dickensian England?"
"Once, after a few too many mojitos."
"They're roles," Kermit insisted. "He's just playing a role where he pretends to be a really appealing neurosurgeon on television."
"Once," Pepe offered, "he was in a threesome with Jensen Ackles and Poppy Montgomery."
Kermit gave up.
For three days, people would come up to him with advice. No matter how often he insisted that Dempsey and Piggy were just friends, the rumors persisted. Everyone felt the need to reassure him in new and strange ways. Right after filming Veterinarian's Hospital, Rowlf came over to assure Kermit that everyone on set was just joking. Three different people came over to assure him that Meredith was better with the vet than Shepherd anyway, which he was starting to think was some exceptionally strange code for drugs until he remembered the story Rizzo had told him. Then he thought they were all crazier than usual.
At least, he did until he accidentally walked in on them in Piggy's dressing room while trying to find one of Lew Zealand's stray boomerang fish before one of the cats got to them.
"I'm dead serious, Miss Piggy," Dempsey was saying. "I would leave my wife for you."
Kermit flattened himself against a wall, which was easier to do than it might have been for someone who wasn't just under three feet tall and made entirely of felt.
Piggy gave a little squeal. "For me?"
"Yes." Even without seeing it, Kermit knew Patrick's smile could have dissolved glaciers. "I would leave Addison in a heartbeat."
"Addison?"
"Jill," he said quickly. "I meant Jill. Sorry."
They both burst out laughing, and Kermit realized that it had been a joke all along. Relieved, he knocked loudly on the wall and entered. "Excuse me!" he called cheerfully. "Lew seems to have lost some of his prize boomerang fish, and-"
"Kermie!" Piggy exclaimed, sounding even more delighted than usual. "It is so good to see you! Kermit. My love." She gave Dempsey a significant look there, which Kermit chose not to notice.
Instead, he relaxed. Leaned against the wall. "Have you seen Lew's fish, Piggy?" he asked.
"I think they're in Fozzie's box of rubber chickens," Patrick said. "I saw him put them down there by mistake."
"Oh," Kermit said. "Thanks, Patrick."
"Anytime," he said with a grin. Then he turned back to the mirror to fix a few strands of his hair. Piggy, taking a cue, immediately began doing the same.
It was weird, but Kermit almost felt left out.
Nah.
"Alright, then," he said. "I guess I should be off. Producing. Directing. Big show this week."
"Yeah," Patrick said absently. "Definitely."
"So." Kermit hopped up. "I'll just be leaving now, then."
"Au revoir, Kermie!" Piggy called after him. But he couldn't help but think she was kind of glad he was gone.
But he wasn't really disappointed that Piggy had a new friend. Okay, maybe he was a little jealous. But that was made up for by the freedom.
Piggy wasn't clinging to him anymore. Over the next few weeks, instead of demanding Kermit pay attention to her between scenes, she would call Patrick and they would talk about their hair. And the paparazzi weren't harassing Kermit anymore; they hung around the theatre, of course, but it was to catch shots of Piggy climbing into Dempsey's car, or sometimes exchanging a coveted photo-opportunity hug.
Kermit still got asked to sign things whenever he went places, but he wasn't constantly mobbed. That was Dempsey's job now, the role of a real star on a major network's number one hit. And Kermit was glad it wasn't him.
There were other perks, too. Dempsy got them all Grey's Anatomy scrubs, which were surprisingly comfortable to wear on set between costume changes. A few weeks later, he got them all a visit on set over the summer, where Kermit made fast friends with T.R. Knight and Rowlf got a job as a music consultant and Fozzie convinced them to write a guest star role for a bear comedian with a burst appendix. (Pepe wanted to meet Katie, but apparently she was off somewhere with Kate Walsh.) But mostly, all their joy came from Piggy's. She seemed so happy.
Maybe that was why the break-up was harder than any of them expected.
It happened, as all important things did, in Piggy's dressing room, where Dempsey had made a habit of napping when Piggy's scenes went overtime. It was vicious, it was angry, and most of all, it was loud.
Piggy had stormed out of her own dressing room, then. Dempsey left almost immediately, in the opposite direction. This was immediately following the only exchange that had been heard throughout the studio.
"I cannot believe you!" she'd shouted. "I cannot believe you would do this to me! And with that- that whore!"
That was when Kermit came up to investigate, only to run into a group of Muppets leaning against a wall. Experience had taught him to stop walking and just ask them what happened.
"New York and Company," Scooter whispered. "Dempsey's doing an ad."
"Oh," Kermit said.
"With Ellen," Gonzo added. "Pompeo."
"Ohhhhhhh," Kermit said. That explained everything.
Dempsey called him that night. It was the first time he'd ever called Kermit ("Sorry," he'd apologized, "but I thought frogs didn't have ears"), and it was clear the man was desperate. "I don't want her to hate me," he said.
"Are you modeling with another woman?" Kermit asked.
"Well, yes."
"Then I think you're out of luck." It made him sad to have to hang up on Dempsey after that, given all that he'd done for the Muppets, but a frog's gotta do what a frog's gotta do.
The next day, Piggy came in to work wearing a Team Addison tee shirt. Nobody said a word.