Insomnia: My Thoughts
how come whenever i can't sleep I spend the night laying in my bed remebering everything i ever did that shows what a lame-ass I really am? do other people do that?
lately i have been really worried about my normalcy. I mean, not in the personality sense, I have given up on that, but other things. Like, do other people have skin that is so dry that sometimes it flakes a little around thier fingernails and even thier vaginas need moisturizer? Do other people sometimes have a really hightened sensitivity to the point that it hurts to lay down? do other people have as many weird skin issues in general, or sex issues, or mental/emotional issues as i do? I mean, am I ok? am I healthy? lately I have been trying to figure that out, but I think maybe I am cought in a self perpetuating cycle because I want to be OK, so I try to convince myslef that I am, but then I remember all the times that an incident as rubbed in my face my total uncoolness/un-okedness. then I feel bad and try to make myslef feel better and I try to convince myself that I am cool/ok and because my brain knows I am lying to myself I lay in my bed when I should be asleep and think of my uncoolness/un-okedness. or something.
seeing someone who I made myself hate myself over in high school again and not hating them for making myself hate myself, but instead just hating myself more for making myself hate myself is confusing and weird. and... hard. I hate it when people use "..." incorrectly, but I totally just did.
my thoughts on:
the government: it could be better.
alcohol: its killing me slowly, i can already tell.
pot: not even fun, just hard.
knowledge: I used to think it was what made this world work, but I know better now.
ignorance: what actually makes this world work.
relationships: do you have to say that you love someone, or that they mean a lot to you, or do they just know? do constant reassurances help or hurt a relationship? I can see it both ways. consider the relationship of A and B. A always tells B how special they are, and B begins to beleive it. but then, A does something that, had they not been constantly reassuring B, would not have been a problem. but because B had begun to think that they were something really special to A, when A betrays B, B freaks out and the relationship ends badly. in situation 2, A and B are friends, and B is not very open with his/her feelings. B rarely tells A how special they are, although B thinks A is amazing. because B is not very expressive, A thinks that they are not that close, and does something that is fine if they are not close, but a total deal breaker if they are as close as B assumes A just knows. How can you tell when someone is just under-expessive? or over-expressive?
naps: good, but probably not if they make it impossible to sleep at night.
Hell: what if there is a hell, and there is not really a very good explanation for where it is because when people go to hell they remain on earth but they have really hard lives, like they are the poeple who are involved with war. I suppose it doesnt make that much sense because theres just a lot of genocide and it doesnt make sense that all people of one ethnicity or religon woulf have deserved hell in thier next lives. but then again, maybe it is bigger than religion, and like although some guy bought his ticket to hell by being a sleezy, murderous pimp in chicago, he came back a Kurd. then hell isnt eternity, just a lifetime. this is getting morbid. and it makes it sould like the people who are victims of horrific atrocities are to blame for thier fates. I dont really believe that.
Insanity: I dont know. I just dont know.
lately i have been really worried about my normalcy. I mean, not in the personality sense, I have given up on that, but other things. Like, do other people have skin that is so dry that sometimes it flakes a little around thier fingernails and even thier vaginas need moisturizer? Do other people sometimes have a really hightened sensitivity to the point that it hurts to lay down? do other people have as many weird skin issues in general, or sex issues, or mental/emotional issues as i do? I mean, am I ok? am I healthy? lately I have been trying to figure that out, but I think maybe I am cought in a self perpetuating cycle because I want to be OK, so I try to convince myslef that I am, but then I remember all the times that an incident as rubbed in my face my total uncoolness/un-okedness. then I feel bad and try to make myslef feel better and I try to convince myself that I am cool/ok and because my brain knows I am lying to myself I lay in my bed when I should be asleep and think of my uncoolness/un-okedness. or something.
seeing someone who I made myself hate myself over in high school again and not hating them for making myself hate myself, but instead just hating myself more for making myself hate myself is confusing and weird. and... hard. I hate it when people use "..." incorrectly, but I totally just did.
my thoughts on:
the government: it could be better.
alcohol: its killing me slowly, i can already tell.
pot: not even fun, just hard.
knowledge: I used to think it was what made this world work, but I know better now.
ignorance: what actually makes this world work.
relationships: do you have to say that you love someone, or that they mean a lot to you, or do they just know? do constant reassurances help or hurt a relationship? I can see it both ways. consider the relationship of A and B. A always tells B how special they are, and B begins to beleive it. but then, A does something that, had they not been constantly reassuring B, would not have been a problem. but because B had begun to think that they were something really special to A, when A betrays B, B freaks out and the relationship ends badly. in situation 2, A and B are friends, and B is not very open with his/her feelings. B rarely tells A how special they are, although B thinks A is amazing. because B is not very expressive, A thinks that they are not that close, and does something that is fine if they are not close, but a total deal breaker if they are as close as B assumes A just knows. How can you tell when someone is just under-expessive? or over-expressive?
naps: good, but probably not if they make it impossible to sleep at night.
Hell: what if there is a hell, and there is not really a very good explanation for where it is because when people go to hell they remain on earth but they have really hard lives, like they are the poeple who are involved with war. I suppose it doesnt make that much sense because theres just a lot of genocide and it doesnt make sense that all people of one ethnicity or religon woulf have deserved hell in thier next lives. but then again, maybe it is bigger than religion, and like although some guy bought his ticket to hell by being a sleezy, murderous pimp in chicago, he came back a Kurd. then hell isnt eternity, just a lifetime. this is getting morbid. and it makes it sould like the people who are victims of horrific atrocities are to blame for thier fates. I dont really believe that.
Insanity: I dont know. I just dont know.