The Fixed Foot of the Compass
I am home for Easter. I am home to do chores. No one is hear with me...I have been left a list:
bathrooms
vacuum
dust
going to the grocery store
laundry
and don't forget to smile while doing it. Last night was amazing. I don't know why, but sleeping in a car...did something. Made me feel like I am still alive in this stupid monotonous world that I live in at the moment. That to me is living...I had everything I needed. Warmth, a bathroom :), some water, and a car. I can go anywhere. Last night, no one knew where I was. I like that. I like that I felt anger towards things, I liked that he noticed. I liked that he tried to pull it out of me and almost did. It will come out and peace will wash over me with wonderful warmth.
I know he is leaving (not yet...but in a few months). He knows he is leaving. I know he will come back. He knows I know he will come back. It will be discussed again...but what needs to be heard are the words that aren't said. Those are the most important. The upsetting thing is he is torn...he knows that by leaving he might lose me. But I know he needs to leave so I don't lose him. How does that work? How does it makes sense? It simply does. I now truly know when you care about someone you let them do the things they NEED to do. You ask...what if I go somewhere? What if he can't find me? and my answer is...he will. I have no doubt in that. If I wait for him, he will come for me. But by waiting... doesn't mean I stay in one spot, he wouldn't want that. I live my life, I let my own drums guide me. He will discover things far and wide, but I will always be in a small little place in his heart. If I truly love him, I must let him fly so he can find his way back.
Why don't I fight? Why don't I cry? Why don't I beg for him to stay? I ask myself that almost every time we have 'the talk'. But I look in his eyes and I know what I have to do. I know I must do the right thing. The right thing normally is not the easiest thing. But it makes you stronger, it makes you grow. And then I tell myself, everytime I go to sleep...I get to be with him. He will always be the last thought before I fall asleep. This is what will allow me to live and be happy.
My mood is more than just mellow..it is calm. When I am calm, I know that something is going to happen. When I am calm I am ready for it. The storm is going to hit...I can feel the wind inside my soul beginning to get stronger. I am not afraid, I am ready. Last night, in my car, he told me to trust my gut. He told me to listen to what it tells me. It tells me to hold on, it tells me to love, it tells me to let go, it tells me to just be, it tells me everything will work out, it tells me to believe, it tells me not to be so afraid, it tells me to TRUST, it tells me that the fight is worth it, it tells me he is worth it.
I will always hold a place for you in my heart. No matter when you go, where you go, that place will be your constant. We all need a constant. This is our poem...
I am your fixed foot of the compass that does not move, and sits in the center, you must go and I must stay...that is how we work. We melt and not make noise, we don't cry because what we have is above that. You understand....you always will.
A Valediction Forbidding Mourning
By John Donne
AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."
So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers' love
-Whose soul is sense-cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.
But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.
bathrooms
vacuum
dust
going to the grocery store
laundry
and don't forget to smile while doing it. Last night was amazing. I don't know why, but sleeping in a car...did something. Made me feel like I am still alive in this stupid monotonous world that I live in at the moment. That to me is living...I had everything I needed. Warmth, a bathroom :), some water, and a car. I can go anywhere. Last night, no one knew where I was. I like that. I like that I felt anger towards things, I liked that he noticed. I liked that he tried to pull it out of me and almost did. It will come out and peace will wash over me with wonderful warmth.
I know he is leaving (not yet...but in a few months). He knows he is leaving. I know he will come back. He knows I know he will come back. It will be discussed again...but what needs to be heard are the words that aren't said. Those are the most important. The upsetting thing is he is torn...he knows that by leaving he might lose me. But I know he needs to leave so I don't lose him. How does that work? How does it makes sense? It simply does. I now truly know when you care about someone you let them do the things they NEED to do. You ask...what if I go somewhere? What if he can't find me? and my answer is...he will. I have no doubt in that. If I wait for him, he will come for me. But by waiting... doesn't mean I stay in one spot, he wouldn't want that. I live my life, I let my own drums guide me. He will discover things far and wide, but I will always be in a small little place in his heart. If I truly love him, I must let him fly so he can find his way back.
Why don't I fight? Why don't I cry? Why don't I beg for him to stay? I ask myself that almost every time we have 'the talk'. But I look in his eyes and I know what I have to do. I know I must do the right thing. The right thing normally is not the easiest thing. But it makes you stronger, it makes you grow. And then I tell myself, everytime I go to sleep...I get to be with him. He will always be the last thought before I fall asleep. This is what will allow me to live and be happy.
My mood is more than just mellow..it is calm. When I am calm, I know that something is going to happen. When I am calm I am ready for it. The storm is going to hit...I can feel the wind inside my soul beginning to get stronger. I am not afraid, I am ready. Last night, in my car, he told me to trust my gut. He told me to listen to what it tells me. It tells me to hold on, it tells me to love, it tells me to let go, it tells me to just be, it tells me everything will work out, it tells me to believe, it tells me not to be so afraid, it tells me to TRUST, it tells me that the fight is worth it, it tells me he is worth it.
I will always hold a place for you in my heart. No matter when you go, where you go, that place will be your constant. We all need a constant. This is our poem...
I am your fixed foot of the compass that does not move, and sits in the center, you must go and I must stay...that is how we work. We melt and not make noise, we don't cry because what we have is above that. You understand....you always will.
A Valediction Forbidding Mourning
By John Donne
AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."
So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers' love
-Whose soul is sense-cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.
But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.