Blah (X-Posted from OD)
That just about describes me right now, "Blah!" That's how I feel. I've accomplished so very little since I decided to be rebelous and drop my summer school class. I'm starting to feel pressured to get things done, anything, something, just to say I didn't sit on my ass for three weeks.
It's been a rough few days. After I thought the whole pathetic "IDELL" incident was over, it wasn't. It continued into a differenty-rooted argument, in which I only got hurt and overwhelmed, and figured nothing out in the process.
I asked Evelyng (online) how she was feeling about the IDELL site, three evenings ago, and why she'd been acting so cold towards me. I told her to say what she had to, that I was prepared to hear it, and not only that, but that I'd wanted to hear it. At first, I dealt quite well with the things she threw out at me (when she finally decided to talk). Things like, "We have nothing in common,"
"You are so negative - you bring the group down."
"I still say you are too hard to please."
"There are things I like to do with LeeAnn and not with you. Things you don't go for."
"All we do is disagree."
On and on, until finally she got to the point where she was spewing total bullshit, and then said she never wanted to speak to me again. For many reasons, most of which I cannot identify, I became overwhelmed by the thought of losing her. Just losing, in general. I've gone through it too much. Losing your best friend at 10 years old, to losing your Aunt, to losing two very close male friends, and to losing someone you really looked up to (the list doesn't end there), well, these are probably good reasons why I'm so afraid of losing someone.
Nonetheless, I panicked. Then, I wanted escape. I thought, immediately, about the pot I've had stashed in a drawer for about 6 months. I thought to myself, "I've never even smoked pot. Never. And here I am, suffering through this flood of emotions. Why? I want to experience something new." Yeah, I thought about like that, and decided try smoking it. I told Evelyng that I was going to go smoke, drink, whatever. That I was gone. I've rarely turned to anything like this before -- I normally try facing things headon, but this came crashing into me like a ton of bricks.
I rolled a bit of it up, and went outside. It went really fast, and I felt *no* effects. Now, I just became annoyed and angry. I came in the house, "Fuck it!" I climbed into bed and sobbed uncontrollably for quite awhile before finally falling asleep. I slept and slept for about 16 hours straight, then got up for awhile, and went back to bed again. On and off until, finally, I came back online late the following evening.
I cannot quite describe how overwhelmed I'd felt. It was almost like I was drowning, in a state of total anxiety, panic, and yet I was simply melancholy and as calm as ever. So numb, yet so emotional. Confounded.
Evelyng called me soon after, with tons of reasons why she'd acted the way she had, said the things she'd said. I normally let it go, forget it all. This time was different. I hardly even listened to her reasons. She called back later, claiming that she couldn't sleep, that this was an indicator that she needed to apologize, and she did. She said she was being selfish, unfeeling, etc. Again, I half-listened. Maybe that's been the problem all along. Maybe I'm not really listening to people, perhaps I'm missing what they're really saying.
I don't know.
It is almost 8 am. I haven't even slept yet. I'm still alive. I have a lot to live for when I'm not feeling entirely negative. The other nite, I felt as though there was nothing.
Blah.
It's been a rough few days. After I thought the whole pathetic "IDELL" incident was over, it wasn't. It continued into a differenty-rooted argument, in which I only got hurt and overwhelmed, and figured nothing out in the process.
I asked Evelyng (online) how she was feeling about the IDELL site, three evenings ago, and why she'd been acting so cold towards me. I told her to say what she had to, that I was prepared to hear it, and not only that, but that I'd wanted to hear it. At first, I dealt quite well with the things she threw out at me (when she finally decided to talk). Things like, "We have nothing in common,"
"You are so negative - you bring the group down."
"I still say you are too hard to please."
"There are things I like to do with LeeAnn and not with you. Things you don't go for."
"All we do is disagree."
On and on, until finally she got to the point where she was spewing total bullshit, and then said she never wanted to speak to me again. For many reasons, most of which I cannot identify, I became overwhelmed by the thought of losing her. Just losing, in general. I've gone through it too much. Losing your best friend at 10 years old, to losing your Aunt, to losing two very close male friends, and to losing someone you really looked up to (the list doesn't end there), well, these are probably good reasons why I'm so afraid of losing someone.
Nonetheless, I panicked. Then, I wanted escape. I thought, immediately, about the pot I've had stashed in a drawer for about 6 months. I thought to myself, "I've never even smoked pot. Never. And here I am, suffering through this flood of emotions. Why? I want to experience something new." Yeah, I thought about like that, and decided try smoking it. I told Evelyng that I was going to go smoke, drink, whatever. That I was gone. I've rarely turned to anything like this before -- I normally try facing things headon, but this came crashing into me like a ton of bricks.
I rolled a bit of it up, and went outside. It went really fast, and I felt *no* effects. Now, I just became annoyed and angry. I came in the house, "Fuck it!" I climbed into bed and sobbed uncontrollably for quite awhile before finally falling asleep. I slept and slept for about 16 hours straight, then got up for awhile, and went back to bed again. On and off until, finally, I came back online late the following evening.
I cannot quite describe how overwhelmed I'd felt. It was almost like I was drowning, in a state of total anxiety, panic, and yet I was simply melancholy and as calm as ever. So numb, yet so emotional. Confounded.
Evelyng called me soon after, with tons of reasons why she'd acted the way she had, said the things she'd said. I normally let it go, forget it all. This time was different. I hardly even listened to her reasons. She called back later, claiming that she couldn't sleep, that this was an indicator that she needed to apologize, and she did. She said she was being selfish, unfeeling, etc. Again, I half-listened. Maybe that's been the problem all along. Maybe I'm not really listening to people, perhaps I'm missing what they're really saying.
I don't know.
It is almost 8 am. I haven't even slept yet. I'm still alive. I have a lot to live for when I'm not feeling entirely negative. The other nite, I felt as though there was nothing.
Blah.