Oh well... (X-Posted from OD)
I had fully intended to post a piece of my own poetry here, but the file with all of my poems seems to have vanished. Perhaps I saved it on a disk, but I could have sworn that the file was saved to my download folder in AOL. Oh well.
So I'll just mumble something out.. don't expect coherence, nono, none of that here..just thoughts floating through my head, mostly Dave lyrics from all of the albums that I've been overkilling for the last few months --
So much space to believe..
When you're small, the moon follows the car..
What if God shuffled by one day?
Here stood my dreaming tree..
I've got the whole world here, Daddy, 'tween my fingers and my thumb.. would you take care of it please? It's the only one there is.
Black tears stained the cheeks that once were so admired..
So bitter, I want to spit it out..
It seems your eyes are troubled, can't you share you time with me?
I let you down, let me pick you up..
Sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free..
Show your world to me..
Under the weight of life..
Now he's damned, you see, beneath the sea is where a fish should be..
Breathing, just to breathe..
Ah well, enough of that, I suppose.. just some of those profound lyrics up there, playing ping pong inside my head.
I'm becoming more and more fascinated with the art of photography.. finally got my first good SLR camera. For the first time in a long time, I can truly say I'm excited and inspired. I guess part of that owes thanks to my photography professor, Kerry Coppin (look him up on the web.. lots of stuff on the guy -- he's a photographic god).
I miss my friends.. mostly my friends from high school; a few from my younger childhood, even. I am such a loser for not keeping up with them more. I get so nostalgic sometimes that I can hardly see a future beyond the layers of memories. Sometimes I ache so much just to be with them, laugh with them, see their eyes. I often just long to ride around with them in the car, talking about nothing and everything all at once, revelling in the moment of being alive and real. I miss all of the things that I have shared with other people in the past, and there's so much I want to do over again -- I hate the nostaligia.. I really do.
And school sucks.. well, all of it except for photography, that is. I can't bear it most days.. so arduous and tiring, so unfulfilling. I always feel like I'm cheating myself.. either by going to a shitty school or by taking shitty classes; I'm not sure which. Maybe a combination of both.
And I can't possibly understand how it is that I'm still wide awake at 3:30 in the morning. No, really, that wasn't sarcasm. I've been going to sleep early lately. Perhaps it was that 8pm cup of coffee? No, of course that had nothing to do with it. Right. And exactly why did I feel the need to consume a highly caffeinated beverage at 8pm? Perhaps someone can enlighten me.
I am such a cloud of conflicting thoughts and emotions these days.. I really can't pick through them all to find the hidden message. I know that I am confused, that I am sad, that I miss much of my past, that I am mostly bored, that only listening to music allows me to really "feel," (which scares me terribly), that I am changing so much and yet not changing enough, that I feel as though I am in the wrong place and yet I am just now settling into the right place.. I could continue, but that would likely only lead me to see how truly convoluted my thought pattern really is. No need to know.
And now, to sleep... I hope... fucking coffee.