Thanksgiving.
I find it hard to believe it's Thanksgiving. Not necessarily because of the time or how fast it's gone, but moreso because it feels like, for the first time in awhile, there's less and less to be thankful for. I normally feel so grateful around this time of the year. It feels different this time.
I am officially jobless as of 12/3. I have applied for over 40 positions since 8/22. The market is dead. Nothing has come my way... and that's not to say that I haven't been aggressive. I've pulled every string possible.
My family and I aren't having Thanksgiving this year. Nobody's cooking. I'm normally such a big fan of "mashed potatoes day," but the idea of it sickens me at the moment. My family is truly in shambles... we tried to go to dinner tonight. It ended in a ruckus, my aunt storming out, curse words flying. In the middle of the restaurant. Over a tiny little comment that my mom made. Nobody can get along... and I know my aunt's so drugged out. She confessed a lot to me the other night, but her addict brain says she "can't ask for help" because my "grandparents will kick her out." I told her I'm seeing a therapist and that I'm going to ask him what can be done. She is decaying... she has a tooth infection that's moved into her face and ear and just keeps saying "I'll go to the dentist soon." Which translates to "I'll wish I had gone when all this money has been spent on drugs." She had 30k about 5 months ago... we're lucky if there's 10k left (keep in mind she's living rent free and is getting unemployment checks & food stamps to boot). I guess that's what happens when you start feeling like you can buy the pure shit.
I also have regrets about what happened Saturday at Suzi's. I feel so totally vulnerable, awkward, strange. Our friendship had become so positive over the past few months. I just feel like I burdened it somehow... with myself. I don't know.
I also don't know how I'm going to afford Cobra ($270/month). I don't see how paying any of my bills is going to be possible... let alone that extra expense. So I might have to put Jack on hold or just end it on Tuesday. I don't think it's right to see him for the next month without knowing that I'll be able to afford Cobra when my package comes in 30-45 days. I don't want to end up owing him full-fee for 8-12 sessions. It's a gamble that, for once, I'm not willing to take.
I hope things will be better this time next year. I've certainly taken 10 steps back from where I was last year. I'm just sad. My thoughts are ponderous and I don't know how to step away from them. Though I am still thankful for my friends, my family, my cats, I know I should be feeling more gratitude. It's just hard to pull it to the surface.
I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving day, though. At least Barack Obama is our new president.
I am officially jobless as of 12/3. I have applied for over 40 positions since 8/22. The market is dead. Nothing has come my way... and that's not to say that I haven't been aggressive. I've pulled every string possible.
My family and I aren't having Thanksgiving this year. Nobody's cooking. I'm normally such a big fan of "mashed potatoes day," but the idea of it sickens me at the moment. My family is truly in shambles... we tried to go to dinner tonight. It ended in a ruckus, my aunt storming out, curse words flying. In the middle of the restaurant. Over a tiny little comment that my mom made. Nobody can get along... and I know my aunt's so drugged out. She confessed a lot to me the other night, but her addict brain says she "can't ask for help" because my "grandparents will kick her out." I told her I'm seeing a therapist and that I'm going to ask him what can be done. She is decaying... she has a tooth infection that's moved into her face and ear and just keeps saying "I'll go to the dentist soon." Which translates to "I'll wish I had gone when all this money has been spent on drugs." She had 30k about 5 months ago... we're lucky if there's 10k left (keep in mind she's living rent free and is getting unemployment checks & food stamps to boot). I guess that's what happens when you start feeling like you can buy the pure shit.
I also have regrets about what happened Saturday at Suzi's. I feel so totally vulnerable, awkward, strange. Our friendship had become so positive over the past few months. I just feel like I burdened it somehow... with myself. I don't know.
I also don't know how I'm going to afford Cobra ($270/month). I don't see how paying any of my bills is going to be possible... let alone that extra expense. So I might have to put Jack on hold or just end it on Tuesday. I don't think it's right to see him for the next month without knowing that I'll be able to afford Cobra when my package comes in 30-45 days. I don't want to end up owing him full-fee for 8-12 sessions. It's a gamble that, for once, I'm not willing to take.
I hope things will be better this time next year. I've certainly taken 10 steps back from where I was last year. I'm just sad. My thoughts are ponderous and I don't know how to step away from them. Though I am still thankful for my friends, my family, my cats, I know I should be feeling more gratitude. It's just hard to pull it to the surface.
I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving day, though. At least Barack Obama is our new president.