(no subject)
the past two weeks have just been this crazy roller-coaster ride...
yesterday was no different. john's service was such a mixture of emotions for me. i talked to dara just now about how the actual service felt so awkward. i felt so physically alone/sad despite being in a room full of people that i knew. yet what happened after the service was completely different. there were still bits and pieces of tension... moments where i felt like i wanted to run out of there, or just go off and cry alone.
but there were also so many genuinely warm moments that i don't think i will really ever forget. when i think of john, of his short, informal memorial service, i won't remember the awkwardness. instead, i will remember the people who were there. the people that all cared about him, many of whom care about me more than i have ever given them credit for. in particular, i will remember:
Christy, when she went all around the table and gave everyone these cute from-behind hugs. she got to me, then stopped, put both her hands on each side of my head, and kissed my forehead sooo softly. it was so warm and sweet. so real. unpretentious!
Jess, telling me how "cute" i was when i began to cry immediately following Christy's amazing gesture of kindness. "lila, i can't even handle how cute you are right now." and Jess/Alyssa, helping me wrap up leftover food for my grandparents. also the conversation i had with Jess walking to the car (one i've had with others in the past), about how i fear if i ever died that so few people would come to my funeral. or the ones that did wouldn't cry. jess just looked at me with the most sincere expression, "lila, i would be there, so many people would be there, and i would cry." i believed her.
John's Mom, with a hug that felt almost like his, and a cute story about him eating six of her weight watcher meals while spending all night online (stealing the neighbor's WiFi) at home in VA.
Megan, when i drunk-dialed her afterward, and she told me that all i really needed was a good cry, and that i could come over if i wanted to cry with her. she just lost her grandpa, and here she was offering me a shoulder. that in itself hit me like a baseball in the nose (the kind of hit in the nose that makes you cry some). and just knowing that someone acknowledged there being so much bottled up shit lying dormant...
EJ, making sure I got a bottle of iced tea before they ran out.
Lyle, simply being Lyle and resting his head on my shoulder at the Rat.
Dr. Deroian, when she hugged me and said "hi baby." and those warm and real eyes that screamed "i care about you."
the crazy thing is that i think i could list even more of these moments... so genuine, so real... so much so that they pushed me toward this epiphany. i cut and pasted some more of my conversation with dara (regarding this epiphany of mine) below...
Sax Woman2 [5:23 A.M.]: i txted cate after she left. and told her that it's so pathetic how death brings people together in the most inexplicable ways. yet i couldn't have asked for a better feeling to end the day on. i'm glad i went over to the rat. despite the 6 drinks, even before them, i looked around and I had this TRUE epiphany. paige, elaine, amancio, cate, katie fortune, lisa/nicole/doggie johnathan, jess/christy, lyle, and the mental images of everyone who was just at the service.
for the past 5 years i have hated UM. i hated my experience there, socially, educationally. loathed it and thought it to be worth so little. but i realized today, that i have more "real" friends than i have ever realized. too many 'realizes,' but seriously it's true. so many good people were there today like you said. and i love them all in varying degrees and intensities, but they are GOOD people, REAL people, not fake assholes that make up most of the student body of UM. it was crazy. i had this amazingly good feeling at the rat. and i didn't want it to ever end.
and i wonder now, if that is why ppl say college is the best time of their lives... b/c they felt that constantly. and i was too blind/too busy criticizing our fucked up suntanU that i missed out HARD-CORE. i got more wrapped up in the girls wearing make up at 7am than the people i knew who were fun, warm, genuine, struggling with coming out issues, identity, etc. i was so glad to have realized it today. as opposed to 10 yrs from now or maybe never.
i keep saying my 27k in loans is so worthless (it was basically to stay on campus). no, no it isn't. i would have met even less of these people. and there are so many more even beyond the realm that was there today. so many SAI chickees, band dorks, LINK people, ASB people. my closest friends right now are from UM and i haven't acknowledged that for real until today. i have been stuck in the past so much... the friends i had, the friends who i lost, all that was so real back then, so un-fake.
Sax Woman2 [5:31 A.M.]: i have to write an entry about this.
Sax Woman2 [5:31 A.M.]: i hope you don't mind if i quote myself..."
It's so sick that it took losing a friend from UM to realize how many I gained in my four years there.
John was referred to as a "peacemaker" today. I really feel like he somehow managed to help me make peace with a major part of my four years at UM. This is incredibly meaningful...
yesterday was no different. john's service was such a mixture of emotions for me. i talked to dara just now about how the actual service felt so awkward. i felt so physically alone/sad despite being in a room full of people that i knew. yet what happened after the service was completely different. there were still bits and pieces of tension... moments where i felt like i wanted to run out of there, or just go off and cry alone.
but there were also so many genuinely warm moments that i don't think i will really ever forget. when i think of john, of his short, informal memorial service, i won't remember the awkwardness. instead, i will remember the people who were there. the people that all cared about him, many of whom care about me more than i have ever given them credit for. in particular, i will remember:
Christy, when she went all around the table and gave everyone these cute from-behind hugs. she got to me, then stopped, put both her hands on each side of my head, and kissed my forehead sooo softly. it was so warm and sweet. so real. unpretentious!
Jess, telling me how "cute" i was when i began to cry immediately following Christy's amazing gesture of kindness. "lila, i can't even handle how cute you are right now." and Jess/Alyssa, helping me wrap up leftover food for my grandparents. also the conversation i had with Jess walking to the car (one i've had with others in the past), about how i fear if i ever died that so few people would come to my funeral. or the ones that did wouldn't cry. jess just looked at me with the most sincere expression, "lila, i would be there, so many people would be there, and i would cry." i believed her.
John's Mom, with a hug that felt almost like his, and a cute story about him eating six of her weight watcher meals while spending all night online (stealing the neighbor's WiFi) at home in VA.
Megan, when i drunk-dialed her afterward, and she told me that all i really needed was a good cry, and that i could come over if i wanted to cry with her. she just lost her grandpa, and here she was offering me a shoulder. that in itself hit me like a baseball in the nose (the kind of hit in the nose that makes you cry some). and just knowing that someone acknowledged there being so much bottled up shit lying dormant...
EJ, making sure I got a bottle of iced tea before they ran out.
Lyle, simply being Lyle and resting his head on my shoulder at the Rat.
Dr. Deroian, when she hugged me and said "hi baby." and those warm and real eyes that screamed "i care about you."
the crazy thing is that i think i could list even more of these moments... so genuine, so real... so much so that they pushed me toward this epiphany. i cut and pasted some more of my conversation with dara (regarding this epiphany of mine) below...
Sax Woman2 [5:23 A.M.]: i txted cate after she left. and told her that it's so pathetic how death brings people together in the most inexplicable ways. yet i couldn't have asked for a better feeling to end the day on. i'm glad i went over to the rat. despite the 6 drinks, even before them, i looked around and I had this TRUE epiphany. paige, elaine, amancio, cate, katie fortune, lisa/nicole/doggie johnathan, jess/christy, lyle, and the mental images of everyone who was just at the service.
for the past 5 years i have hated UM. i hated my experience there, socially, educationally. loathed it and thought it to be worth so little. but i realized today, that i have more "real" friends than i have ever realized. too many 'realizes,' but seriously it's true. so many good people were there today like you said. and i love them all in varying degrees and intensities, but they are GOOD people, REAL people, not fake assholes that make up most of the student body of UM. it was crazy. i had this amazingly good feeling at the rat. and i didn't want it to ever end.
and i wonder now, if that is why ppl say college is the best time of their lives... b/c they felt that constantly. and i was too blind/too busy criticizing our fucked up suntanU that i missed out HARD-CORE. i got more wrapped up in the girls wearing make up at 7am than the people i knew who were fun, warm, genuine, struggling with coming out issues, identity, etc. i was so glad to have realized it today. as opposed to 10 yrs from now or maybe never.
i keep saying my 27k in loans is so worthless (it was basically to stay on campus). no, no it isn't. i would have met even less of these people. and there are so many more even beyond the realm that was there today. so many SAI chickees, band dorks, LINK people, ASB people. my closest friends right now are from UM and i haven't acknowledged that for real until today. i have been stuck in the past so much... the friends i had, the friends who i lost, all that was so real back then, so un-fake.
Sax Woman2 [5:31 A.M.]: i have to write an entry about this.
Sax Woman2 [5:31 A.M.]: i hope you don't mind if i quote myself..."
It's so sick that it took losing a friend from UM to realize how many I gained in my four years there.
John was referred to as a "peacemaker" today. I really feel like he somehow managed to help me make peace with a major part of my four years at UM. This is incredibly meaningful...