[And with that, she doesn't reply via journal. If he'd absolutely wanted to be alone, he wouldn't have written to her to begin with. She gets up and off her own bed and makes her way toward his room, that heaviness still in her chest.] Harry? [Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and pushes the door open and steps further into the room, barefoot. Her eyes are slightly bloodshot.]
[The room is dark, and Harry is siting on the edge of the bed with the journal discarded to the side, but he is staring at the floor. He knew when she'd asked where he was that she would show up.
But he doesn't look up when she enters.]
I know.
He deserves to know. Anyone should get to know if that's what they want. [Slides a hand over his face.]
I wouldn't want to keep the truth from them. [Even if knowing the truth makes no difference.]
[Harry still doesn't look even as she steps further into the room.]
Would it have been worse?
If he didn't know.
[If she didn't know.
Sometimes he can feel the weight of knowing in her as well, see it in the way she carries herself. And he wishes he hadn't said anything about the year she didn't live.
Harry closes his eyes bu shakes his head in answer to the question, feeling something sharp and painful in his chest.]
[No one ever deserves that sort of fate, but maybe it might make him examine the choices he made in the first place.]
He's here now. What happens to him from here on is not written in stone.
[She quickly wipes at her eye and rests her head on his shoulder.]
You didn't.
... Life is rather like a box of chocolates, isn't it? [Words Hermione Granger would never utter, save for the fact he asked her when they were allowed to see a movie together.]
You didn't ask for it but you faced everything sent your way. You're a great wizard, Harry. I've always thought so.
[Harry hopes that it won't turn out that way again, and there are enough factors that are different now. It would be rather difficult for it to.]
I know. This city isn't such a horrible alternative all the time.
[He closes his eyes when he feels her head against his shoulder.
And there's a bit of a smile at the question though its marred by something nearly bitter.] Yeah, suppose so. I'd really prefer the actual chocolate sometimes.
Thank you, Hermione. I know you have. [Harry rests his arm across her back, pulling her close. It's her faith in him that's helped so often.] You're absolutely brilliant yourself. Saved my life countless times.
Stayed with me. [Nearly until the end, and he has no doubts she would have taken that walk with him to Voldemort. If he'd let her.]
I hope so. I believe so. I felt a difference in our latest conversations.
[Hermione is not the delusional sort, but she also does want to believe the best in people.
No one should've had that end, and knowing so--it might change things.]
We could always go get some chocolate. [The faintest of smiles quirks up her own mouth.] I believe there's some in the kitchen.
[Hermione will always have faith in Harry Potter, whether he has that faith in himself or not. That's all but fact, the way the sky is up and the grass is green.]
As long as there's choice, Harry, I will always stay. [She moves closer and tightens her hold.] You aren't getting rid of me, I'm afraid.
[Harry will hope as well, because he doesn't wish that on him and he is sorry for how it turned out though he isn't so irrational that he feels guilt for finding out the truth, which is what lead to what happened to him.
He hopes he has better luck here. There's no telling if he ever regained any of his memories.]
You're absolutely right, Hermione. [Though he doesn't feel like moving from his bed at all.] I think someone keeps a stash of it somewhere.
[Harry glances at her finally when she speaks.] I absolutely would never want to get rid of you, Hermione. You're the best friend that I've ever had. [And Ron isn't here to be jealous about that or to worry about hurting his feelings, but it's true. She stayed. She stayed that year and so many other times.
There's the slightest of pauses as he looks forward again, something else gnawing at him and his chest feels as though it's an explosion of pain.]
Hermione, it's still... a part of me. [The horcrux. What he is. It's something he thinks about more
( ... )
[Have some chocolate and everything is magically better, like fairy dust.]
And you're mine, Harry. You always will be.
...I don't regret asking, you know. I don't regret knowing what happens, even if I never lived it. [If only because it means it's not a burden he has to strictly share alone.]
Harry...
[Hermione watches him carefully. As friends, she's always aware of him and his reactions, noting them for what they are, since Harry doesn't always say what he is thinking.
There is always a lot more going on.]
I think a part of me always knew.
[Deep down, she hadn't wanted to know but she did. Harry and the horcrux. The thought of him having to live with that for the rest of his life--and equally as horrifying, the thought of what it would take so that he didn't--
Hermione swallows something painful at the back of her throat, blinking back tears.]
It would be nice, wouldn't? It seemed to be Professor Lupin's solution.
[For every dementor attack, there would be chocolate. It helped but it never fixed anything either.]
I think that's something, isn't it? All the unexpected chocolate, I always knew there was that.
[It reassures him more than he can put to words that she says it, and he looks over at her.] Really? [And then he nods, something twisting around in his chest.] That's good to know. I didn't want to-- I didn't want to give you something that would just hurt
[He didn't want to be responsible for giving her more pain.
And he closes his eyes at the sound of his name, swallowing back what feels like sickness and fire rising from his chest into his throat.]
I thought you might have.
I started really understanding it at the end, the visions, being able to speak to snakes, every time a horcrux was destroyed, I felt it too. It hurt me too. So now there's just this... dark thing inside of me.
[And won't that make a difference at some point? Does that
( ... )
Chocolate and ice cream make some people feel better when they're upset. It comforts them the way it is a comfort to me to be surrounded something as familiar as books. The way it is for you when you're flying.
[But sometimes, not all the chocolates and the books and the sky in the world can help, no.
And she knows it.]
There's much more than that, Harry.
[She glances over at him, almost as if knowing he needed the reassurance. There is so much he takes on as his own fault.] Really. You didn't think I wasn't aware that what you might tell me might be awful? I chose to ask anyway. If I regret anything at all, it's that I made you relive something so painful by telling me.
[Her face crumples when he closes his eyes, but she schools it back into something of a calmer expression once he's opened them again.]
Without V-Voldemort here it might not be necessary at all, might not make a difference. [And if there's not...]
Yes, that is absolutely true, and I do like chocolate.
Not nearly as much as I like flying, but there are far worst things to eat. I wouldn't mind a glass of Butterbeer for that matter.
[It had that warm taste, and it was comforting in its familiarity, in its sweetness, and it would remind him of home.
Even if it wouldn't fix anything, it can help.]
I know, Hermione.
[And he does. He knows there's more than her friendship in all of it, and there's what's inside of him, and there's countless of numbers of people that have loved and cared and believed.] No, I thought you might be aware, but it's difficult to be prepared for how... awful. [Harry shakes his head.] It helps that I'm not the only one who knows.
[It does. It really does.
Harry looks at her, and her expression is calmer but he reads what's under it.]
You didn't see what those horcruxes-- well, you did. The diary was one of them. The watch had Ron leaving, angry and jealous. [There's so much darkness within a horcrux
( ... )
[There's another smile there, and she looks over at him as he mentioned Butterbeer.] Wouldn't mind lots of things, now that I think about it.
But... [A pause. It almost tastes like betrayal in her tongue to say.] I use to miss it all more intensely than I do now.
That's probably terrible, isn't it?
[Will she someday just forget to remember? Forget to miss things? The thought is alarming, much as she knows the world goes on. There are always things and people she will miss.
There's a crumpled picture she kept in her bag of her parents, the only one she let herself keep with herself in it, and in the rarest of moments, she lets herself think of them.
Her Mum and her Dad.]
You aren't the only one who should have to carry this, Harry. If I'd gotten to the entry before you had, I would have told him nearly word for word what you did.
I wanted to know. I don't regret knowing.
[As much as it broke her heart and it still does
( ... )
It's the same for me, but that all feels... very far away.
[And he pauses, hesitates almost as she speaks again, but he shakes his head as if he can sense how much of a betrayal it feels like to her when it isn't.
It isn't at all.] No, it isn't. It's not terrible, Hermione.
I believe that happens to everyone, Hermione. If you miss someone or something as intensely as you do that first day you lose it, you would never... be able to live again.
You will always miss them, all of it. It'll always be a part of you too.
[It's not so much forgetting to miss them but living. Harry understand the fear though, and he keeps an arm around her.
But once Dumbledore pulled him away from a mirror, and the memory comes to him now.] Dumbledore once told me that... It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. They're dreams of what we can't have any longer, and... to not sit in front of a mirror aching for what has been taken isn't us choosing to lose them further.
[Hey, even Harry Potter has some wisdom now and then, some of it
( ... )
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Harry... he wanted to know.
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But he doesn't look up when she enters.]
I know.
He deserves to know. Anyone should get to know if that's what they want. [Slides a hand over his face.]
I wouldn't want to keep the truth from them. [Even if knowing the truth makes no difference.]
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Sometimes, she swears she can actually see the weight of it all on his shoulders.]
Even if the knowledge hurts, sometimes not knowing feels like it would be worse, whether it makes a difference or not.
[She finally steps further in, sitting at the edge of the bed beside him.
Hermione swallows thickly.]
... Are you all right, Harry?
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Would it have been worse?
If he didn't know.
[If she didn't know.
Sometimes he can feel the weight of knowing in her as well, see it in the way she carries herself. And he wishes he hadn't said anything about the year she didn't live.
Harry closes his eyes bu shakes his head in answer to the question, feeling something sharp and painful in his chest.]
I didn't... want... any of this.
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[No one ever deserves that sort of fate, but maybe it might make him examine the choices he made in the first place.]
He's here now. What happens to him from here on is not written in stone.
[She quickly wipes at her eye and rests her head on his shoulder.]
You didn't.
... Life is rather like a box of chocolates, isn't it? [Words Hermione Granger would never utter, save for the fact he asked her when they were allowed to see a movie together.]
You didn't ask for it but you faced everything sent your way. You're a great wizard, Harry. I've always thought so.
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[Harry hopes that it won't turn out that way again, and there are enough factors that are different now. It would be rather difficult for it to.]
I know. This city isn't such a horrible alternative all the time.
[He closes his eyes when he feels her head against his shoulder.
And there's a bit of a smile at the question though its marred by something nearly bitter.] Yeah, suppose so. I'd really prefer the actual chocolate sometimes.
Thank you, Hermione. I know you have. [Harry rests his arm across her back, pulling her close. It's her faith in him that's helped so often.] You're absolutely brilliant yourself. Saved my life countless times.
Stayed with me. [Nearly until the end, and he has no doubts she would have taken that walk with him to Voldemort. If he'd let her.]
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[Hermione is not the delusional sort, but she also does want to believe the best in people.
No one should've had that end, and knowing so--it might change things.]
We could always go get some chocolate. [The faintest of smiles quirks up her own mouth.] I believe there's some in the kitchen.
[Hermione will always have faith in Harry Potter, whether he has that faith in himself or not. That's all but fact, the way the sky is up and the grass is green.]
As long as there's choice, Harry, I will always stay. [She moves closer and tightens her hold.] You aren't getting rid of me, I'm afraid.
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[Harry will hope as well, because he doesn't wish that on him and he is sorry for how it turned out though he isn't so irrational that he feels guilt for finding out the truth, which is what lead to what happened to him.
He hopes he has better luck here. There's no telling if he ever regained any of his memories.]
You're absolutely right, Hermione. [Though he doesn't feel like moving from his bed at all.] I think someone keeps a stash of it somewhere.
[Harry glances at her finally when she speaks.] I absolutely would never want to get rid of you, Hermione. You're the best friend that I've ever had. [And Ron isn't here to be jealous about that or to worry about hurting his feelings, but it's true. She stayed. She stayed that year and so many other times.
There's the slightest of pauses as he looks forward again, something else gnawing at him and his chest feels as though it's an explosion of pain.]
Hermione, it's still... a part of me. [The horcrux. What he is. It's something he thinks about more ( ... )
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[Have some chocolate and everything is magically better, like fairy dust.]
And you're mine, Harry. You always will be.
...I don't regret asking, you know. I don't regret knowing what happens, even if I never lived it. [If only because it means it's not a burden he has to strictly share alone.]
Harry...
[Hermione watches him carefully. As friends, she's always aware of him and his reactions, noting them for what they are, since Harry doesn't always say what he is thinking.
There is always a lot more going on.]
I think a part of me always knew.
[Deep down, she hadn't wanted to know but she did. Harry and the horcrux. The thought of him having to live with that for the rest of his life--and equally as horrifying, the thought of what it would take so that he didn't--
Hermione swallows something painful at the back of her throat, blinking back tears.]
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[For every dementor attack, there would be chocolate. It helped but it never fixed anything either.]
I think that's something, isn't it? All the unexpected chocolate, I always knew there was that.
[It reassures him more than he can put to words that she says it, and he looks over at her.] Really? [And then he nods, something twisting around in his chest.] That's good to know. I didn't want to-- I didn't want to give you something that would just hurt
[He didn't want to be responsible for giving her more pain.
And he closes his eyes at the sound of his name, swallowing back what feels like sickness and fire rising from his chest into his throat.]
I thought you might have.
I started really understanding it at the end, the visions, being able to speak to snakes, every time a horcrux was destroyed, I felt it too. It hurt me too. So now there's just this... dark thing inside of me.
[And won't that make a difference at some point? Does that ( ... )
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Chocolate and ice cream make some people feel better when they're upset. It comforts them the way it is a comfort to me to be surrounded something as familiar as books. The way it is for you when you're flying.
[But sometimes, not all the chocolates and the books and the sky in the world can help, no.
And she knows it.]
There's much more than that, Harry.
[She glances over at him, almost as if knowing he needed the reassurance. There is so much he takes on as his own fault.] Really. You didn't think I wasn't aware that what you might tell me might be awful? I chose to ask anyway. If I regret anything at all, it's that I made you relive something so painful by telling me.
[Her face crumples when he closes his eyes, but she schools it back into something of a calmer expression once he's opened them again.]
Without V-Voldemort here it might not be necessary at all, might not make a difference. [And if there's not...]
There must be another way ( ... )
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Not nearly as much as I like flying, but there are far worst things to eat. I wouldn't mind a glass of Butterbeer for that matter.
[It had that warm taste, and it was comforting in its familiarity, in its sweetness, and it would remind him of home.
Even if it wouldn't fix anything, it can help.]
I know, Hermione.
[And he does. He knows there's more than her friendship in all of it, and there's what's inside of him, and there's countless of numbers of people that have loved and cared and believed.] No, I thought you might be aware, but it's difficult to be prepared for how... awful. [Harry shakes his head.] It helps that I'm not the only one who knows.
[It does. It really does.
Harry looks at her, and her expression is calmer but he reads what's under it.]
You didn't see what those horcruxes-- well, you did. The diary was one of them. The watch had Ron leaving, angry and jealous. [There's so much darkness within a horcrux ( ... )
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[There's another smile there, and she looks over at him as he mentioned Butterbeer.] Wouldn't mind lots of things, now that I think about it.
But... [A pause. It almost tastes like betrayal in her tongue to say.] I use to miss it all more intensely than I do now.
That's probably terrible, isn't it?
[Will she someday just forget to remember? Forget to miss things? The thought is alarming, much as she knows the world goes on. There are always things and people she will miss.
There's a crumpled picture she kept in her bag of her parents, the only one she let herself keep with herself in it, and in the rarest of moments, she lets herself think of them.
Her Mum and her Dad.]
You aren't the only one who should have to carry this, Harry. If I'd gotten to the entry before you had, I would have told him nearly word for word what you did.
I wanted to know. I don't regret knowing.
[As much as it broke her heart and it still does ( ... )
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[And he pauses, hesitates almost as she speaks again, but he shakes his head as if he can sense how much of a betrayal it feels like to her when it isn't.
It isn't at all.] No, it isn't. It's not terrible, Hermione.
I believe that happens to everyone, Hermione. If you miss someone or something as intensely as you do that first day you lose it, you would never... be able to live again.
You will always miss them, all of it. It'll always be a part of you too.
[It's not so much forgetting to miss them but living. Harry understand the fear though, and he keeps an arm around her.
But once Dumbledore pulled him away from a mirror, and the memory comes to him now.] Dumbledore once told me that... It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. They're dreams of what we can't have any longer, and... to not sit in front of a mirror aching for what has been taken isn't us choosing to lose them further.
[Hey, even Harry Potter has some wisdom now and then, some of it ( ... )
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