Existential Crisis?
I was thinking, what makes a person who they are? Is it as simple as the perception of others, can one truly be exactly what he seems? Does the romance in ones heart play any part in who that person could be, does potential qualify for recognition? What about those aspects of a person that never seem to come to light, the parts of a person that they are afraid to show the world, do those factor in anywhere in the equation? Are we exactly who we seem to be, can we change?
I don't want to be who I am, I don't want to feel the way I feel, and I don't want to respond to things the way I do. Does it matter? Can one really become someone else and if they do is it like killing off the person they were before? Can a man become someone else by murdering who he was before? I used to be a different person, a dreamer and an optimist, and I miss him so much. He was a better me, a hopeless fool but a better person. He used to write poetry and enjoy the setting summer sun, he used to never give up hope and he was there to be the pillar anyone else in his life needed. He deserves a monument for the kind of man he was shaping up to be, but I killed him I think. Slowly, but surely, I poisoned him, took the core of his existence and drained it away. That sort of fundamental realization hurts me. It pains me to think that what I am now and what I used to be are so far removed from one another.
I want to write again, I want the pen to move again and draw beautiful sentiments that everyone can share. I don't want to be this thing that harbors all this doubt and fear. I don't want to believe that myself and all my friends are drifting apart. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've never been a hit with the ladies, I was just a foolish romantic that always thought of meeting the right girl instead of just chasing tail. Now I'm just fledgling hikkimori drawing less and less inspiration from the world outside my four walls. All this negativity surrounding me, surrounding the house, and suffocating the very life from my veins is not helping in the least. I lack the confidence and spirit to change that, I couldn't do it all on my own even if I did still believe in myself.
I'm not a creature of confidence anymore, and I need something to feel good about in myself. I just don't have it. I don't have the eye for internal analysis that could produce for me a reason to be proud of myself. I simply can't hold my head up high, really what have I done to deserve that? Now more than ever I need my friends to bolster my resolve, bring me a light in my darkness and steer me back to shore. I'm lost, but it's not by choice. I don't have the strength to carry myself and the world anymore. All I need to know is that they care, all I have is them whether they realize it or not. I'm not going to blame anyone if they no longer care, but I can't stand this not knowing, I just want an answer to whether or not I still hold any of the qualities that made us friends in the first place.
I don't want to admit it, but I will, I do care what people have to say about me, what they think about me. I'd rather be that lone wolf, making his own way and keeping to himself, not needing others and not showing his weaknesses. I'm not, however, the lone wolf. I need the people in my life to keep me in check and remind me why I don't just end it all each morning when I drag my ass out of bed. I don't know if anyone realizes or cares, but I actually try not to disrupt everyones' lives that happen around me. There are several truths veiled in secrecy that shall not come to light, not for my sake but for the sake of others, that actually could prove my statement more than true. To be honest I don't know how to get our group back to the fun living guys we used to be and I'm not sure people want to go back...
I don't know if I can be who I used to be, but if I can't I need to be someone else because if I stay as who I am now I won't survive.
I don't want to be who I am, I don't want to feel the way I feel, and I don't want to respond to things the way I do. Does it matter? Can one really become someone else and if they do is it like killing off the person they were before? Can a man become someone else by murdering who he was before? I used to be a different person, a dreamer and an optimist, and I miss him so much. He was a better me, a hopeless fool but a better person. He used to write poetry and enjoy the setting summer sun, he used to never give up hope and he was there to be the pillar anyone else in his life needed. He deserves a monument for the kind of man he was shaping up to be, but I killed him I think. Slowly, but surely, I poisoned him, took the core of his existence and drained it away. That sort of fundamental realization hurts me. It pains me to think that what I am now and what I used to be are so far removed from one another.
I want to write again, I want the pen to move again and draw beautiful sentiments that everyone can share. I don't want to be this thing that harbors all this doubt and fear. I don't want to believe that myself and all my friends are drifting apart. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've never been a hit with the ladies, I was just a foolish romantic that always thought of meeting the right girl instead of just chasing tail. Now I'm just fledgling hikkimori drawing less and less inspiration from the world outside my four walls. All this negativity surrounding me, surrounding the house, and suffocating the very life from my veins is not helping in the least. I lack the confidence and spirit to change that, I couldn't do it all on my own even if I did still believe in myself.
I'm not a creature of confidence anymore, and I need something to feel good about in myself. I just don't have it. I don't have the eye for internal analysis that could produce for me a reason to be proud of myself. I simply can't hold my head up high, really what have I done to deserve that? Now more than ever I need my friends to bolster my resolve, bring me a light in my darkness and steer me back to shore. I'm lost, but it's not by choice. I don't have the strength to carry myself and the world anymore. All I need to know is that they care, all I have is them whether they realize it or not. I'm not going to blame anyone if they no longer care, but I can't stand this not knowing, I just want an answer to whether or not I still hold any of the qualities that made us friends in the first place.
I don't want to admit it, but I will, I do care what people have to say about me, what they think about me. I'd rather be that lone wolf, making his own way and keeping to himself, not needing others and not showing his weaknesses. I'm not, however, the lone wolf. I need the people in my life to keep me in check and remind me why I don't just end it all each morning when I drag my ass out of bed. I don't know if anyone realizes or cares, but I actually try not to disrupt everyones' lives that happen around me. There are several truths veiled in secrecy that shall not come to light, not for my sake but for the sake of others, that actually could prove my statement more than true. To be honest I don't know how to get our group back to the fun living guys we used to be and I'm not sure people want to go back...
I don't know if I can be who I used to be, but if I can't I need to be someone else because if I stay as who I am now I won't survive.