Questionable
Right now I'm stuck somewhere between ready to tear my eyes out while screaming so hard I break my own jaw and cold emotionless machine. I don't know what the deal is with that, one moment I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore and the next I'm so detached that nothing reaches me. I hate that feeling, the cold feeling, like I'm not as human as everyone else. Like being human doesn't make sense. Then again, who knows, maybe it is for the best right now. I'm filling out applications and calling everyone I can as fast as I can so that I can get another job.
Honestly it's humiliating. I'm literally begging people for the right to lick their corporate boot and they just seem to keep turning their noses up at me. I wanted to hold onto some of my dignity, but I should have realized that it was a foregone conclusion I would not be able to do so. I don't sell myself well because I don't believe I have self worth. I'm not charismatic or smart, I'm not witty or fun, but most of all I'm not acceptable or lovable. I know I give myself a lot of shit, but I think times like these prove my points for me. I'm at most a week from living on the streets and nothing I do seems to snatch me back from the brink. The only sick satisfaction I can get from this is that if it doesn't pan out I can refute a friend's claim that life gives what you need when you need it most. I've become more depressed/depressing over the years, or maybe people just didn't notice before. It really doesn't matter, all this honking and bleating, if I wind up homeless and pathetic.
Really though, whatever happens I'm still going to be pathetic. I don't know if it's normal to be so disgusted with one's self, but I am. It seems like to me people in the house are only around me as much as they have to be and if they can escape they do so. I don't know if I should feel mad, hurt, or just give up and let it tear me up inside silently. I know everyone is having a hard time right now. Three of us are working our asses off trying to line up new jobs, and the others are worried they might have to start packing. I know we are supposed to be there for each other but it seems like to me we are doing a piss poor job of it. I try and put on my best armor outside my room and come to this electronic forum to bleed, but I don't know if people are reading it like I don't care. I care, I care a lot, but I've been trying hard not to collapse into myself.
I just know that even though assurances were given that no one is mad at anyone else if we do have to move everyone will have daggers in their eyes. I don't want to move either, and I'd rather be dead than live on the streets. Either providence will see fit to nurture my efforts or I'll be cast down and forgotten. I don't have much in this world, I've never had much, but if I lose my friends over some stupid shit like this I'm done. I feel them pull away from me daily and we never talk about anything important anymore. It's like if we don't talk about things then maybe they will go away, but they won't. That is assuming people aren't just talking without me there to hear...
I hate being unsure... I don't know what else to do.
Honestly it's humiliating. I'm literally begging people for the right to lick their corporate boot and they just seem to keep turning their noses up at me. I wanted to hold onto some of my dignity, but I should have realized that it was a foregone conclusion I would not be able to do so. I don't sell myself well because I don't believe I have self worth. I'm not charismatic or smart, I'm not witty or fun, but most of all I'm not acceptable or lovable. I know I give myself a lot of shit, but I think times like these prove my points for me. I'm at most a week from living on the streets and nothing I do seems to snatch me back from the brink. The only sick satisfaction I can get from this is that if it doesn't pan out I can refute a friend's claim that life gives what you need when you need it most. I've become more depressed/depressing over the years, or maybe people just didn't notice before. It really doesn't matter, all this honking and bleating, if I wind up homeless and pathetic.
Really though, whatever happens I'm still going to be pathetic. I don't know if it's normal to be so disgusted with one's self, but I am. It seems like to me people in the house are only around me as much as they have to be and if they can escape they do so. I don't know if I should feel mad, hurt, or just give up and let it tear me up inside silently. I know everyone is having a hard time right now. Three of us are working our asses off trying to line up new jobs, and the others are worried they might have to start packing. I know we are supposed to be there for each other but it seems like to me we are doing a piss poor job of it. I try and put on my best armor outside my room and come to this electronic forum to bleed, but I don't know if people are reading it like I don't care. I care, I care a lot, but I've been trying hard not to collapse into myself.
I just know that even though assurances were given that no one is mad at anyone else if we do have to move everyone will have daggers in their eyes. I don't want to move either, and I'd rather be dead than live on the streets. Either providence will see fit to nurture my efforts or I'll be cast down and forgotten. I don't have much in this world, I've never had much, but if I lose my friends over some stupid shit like this I'm done. I feel them pull away from me daily and we never talk about anything important anymore. It's like if we don't talk about things then maybe they will go away, but they won't. That is assuming people aren't just talking without me there to hear...
I hate being unsure... I don't know what else to do.