Long time, no post
They say you never know your capacity to love until you have a child. There's a flip side to this though: you never know your threshold for pain until you bury one.
It's not been a great year or so for me.
It's really hard for me to even think about how bad it's been. A year of unemployment. Only nine months of money to cover. Three months severence and six months of unemployment pay. Three very lean months that saw me selling a lot of stuff in order to make it at all.
My son started using drugs. He went into rehab in October. Had a relapse in early November. Was clean and really starting to turn himself around from the rest of November until early May. He was going to go to college. He was getting job interviews. He was happy. He was hopeful. Things were looking up for him.
On May 4th, all of that ended. I was on my way home from work. My ex called me. She said to come over to her house. Mike couldn't breathe and he's really cold. She was on her way home from work, too. Her husband, Jason called her and she called me. I rushed over. There was a fire engine and police cars. I went inside and asked what happened. Where's Mike? Jason told me, Mike's dead.
I think heartbreak is too mild a term to describe what I felt when I heard that. What I continue to feel as I grieve. I guess the word grief, itself will have to suffice.
Mike had another relapse. This one took his life. The police office said that the overdose was most likely not intended. A revcovering addict will relapse after a long time being clean and go back to the last dose they used and it will be too much.
The M.E. said he had been dead for twelve hours, give or take.
I didn't get to see him again until the veiwing. Amber and Jason didn't want anyone to see him the way he was found. They didn't want anyone to remember him that way. I feel like nothing matters anymore. Like I just can't go on. It's only because the job I have now is so terrible. That even grief can't keep me from finding something better. Ironically, I guess that's a good thing.
It's not been a great year or so for me.
It's really hard for me to even think about how bad it's been. A year of unemployment. Only nine months of money to cover. Three months severence and six months of unemployment pay. Three very lean months that saw me selling a lot of stuff in order to make it at all.
My son started using drugs. He went into rehab in October. Had a relapse in early November. Was clean and really starting to turn himself around from the rest of November until early May. He was going to go to college. He was getting job interviews. He was happy. He was hopeful. Things were looking up for him.
On May 4th, all of that ended. I was on my way home from work. My ex called me. She said to come over to her house. Mike couldn't breathe and he's really cold. She was on her way home from work, too. Her husband, Jason called her and she called me. I rushed over. There was a fire engine and police cars. I went inside and asked what happened. Where's Mike? Jason told me, Mike's dead.
I think heartbreak is too mild a term to describe what I felt when I heard that. What I continue to feel as I grieve. I guess the word grief, itself will have to suffice.
Mike had another relapse. This one took his life. The police office said that the overdose was most likely not intended. A revcovering addict will relapse after a long time being clean and go back to the last dose they used and it will be too much.
The M.E. said he had been dead for twelve hours, give or take.
I didn't get to see him again until the veiwing. Amber and Jason didn't want anyone to see him the way he was found. They didn't want anyone to remember him that way. I feel like nothing matters anymore. Like I just can't go on. It's only because the job I have now is so terrible. That even grief can't keep me from finding something better. Ironically, I guess that's a good thing.