Today has been good to me.
After feeling miserable about how shitty i feel like my friendships here in santa cruz have turned out and just wanting to get the fuck out of here. Four things made me feel a lot better about everything in my life. First, i woke up not wanting to talk to anyone here anymore really. Pretty much, fuck them for hurting me, fuck everyone since i try so hard and no one else does. Then i got a text from lexi saying "i love you denis (as friends of course)".. i dont know why but i really needed that right at that moment. It made me happy and made me realize that this last year really wasnt a waste of my time. Then i talked to ana for a few hours about everything im dealing with right now. I told her how ive had mixed feeling about christina and all that and she was actually being understanding. I explained to her how i dont feel its fair that i have this baggage still, and i want do deal with it before rather then later for her. She listened with out freaking out and taking that as i really want to be with christina rather then her or something. I really apreaciated it. Really what more could i ask for. For once im in a relationship which i can openly deal with my problems with the girl, rather then withdrawing and not explaining a damn thing. After that i went and had lunch with danny. We talked about how i got really distant, and how ive had really mixed emotions about wanting to leave and how i was getting ready to just say fuck everyone here. Talking to dannys always good. I feel in the long run out of anyone our friendship might actually pull though. Its rare... especially with long distance to make that shit work, but its possible. Which leads to the forth thing that made me feel better. I talked to Ali about everything. How ive felt these past few days. pretty much everything i've been posting about, and sharing stories. Thats when i realized, Ali moved and lives in Nebraska. That was like 4 or 5 years ago. Regardless he is still one of my bestfriends. I dont know why i'm worrying about all this. I could struggle the next week to try to figure out who my real friends are, whos worth my time, what i should do or say to Christina this week to make things alright... but then why? The next year will tell me who is important to me. If the contact happens it will naturally happen. To this day i still talk to Amanda, Cassandra and Cassie, Marc, Reid, Ali, Andrew, Layne and Lexi and so on... and have i really had to fight to make any of that happen? no. we are still friends because we actually are friends. So i'm done worrying about it. I feel so much better. I know i will still feel a bit sad and unsure, especially in the case of christina, but overall Whats meant to happen will.