(no subject)
i'm tired of this vicious cycle.
i am becoming more and more indifferent. one day, he will do or say something that should upset me, but it just won't. one day, he'll go missing for 24 hours and when i normally would start tripping about it, i just won't. one day, he'll start a fight with me, and i won't fight back. one day, he'll stop responding to everything i have to say, and it won't bother me. one day, he will try to leave, and i won't do anything to stop him.. this indifference is consuming me. i am fighting back, i am gaining ground, making a stand for myself. this game play between myself and boys has never been my strongest point because in the end, the grudges i'm holding, the stubbornness i'm trying to establish, the pride i'm attempting to maintain, are less compared to this loss of feeling, of affection, of legitimate connection.
i really, really missed him today. and i tried to go home after dinner to talk to him, to see him in digital form on my laptop screen, to watch him do whatever it is he wanted to do. i waited for him to get home, waited for him to finish eating, waited for him to be done fiddling with aim so he could "talk to his brother."
my reawakened codependency is breaking my heart more than he is right now. all this disappointed hope is making me cry, not his passive aggression, not his mood swings, not his potential infidelities - whatever shape or form they may be taking as i type.
i am becoming more and more indifferent. one day, he will do or say something that should upset me, but it just won't. one day, he'll go missing for 24 hours and when i normally would start tripping about it, i just won't. one day, he'll start a fight with me, and i won't fight back. one day, he'll stop responding to everything i have to say, and it won't bother me. one day, he will try to leave, and i won't do anything to stop him.. this indifference is consuming me. i am fighting back, i am gaining ground, making a stand for myself. this game play between myself and boys has never been my strongest point because in the end, the grudges i'm holding, the stubbornness i'm trying to establish, the pride i'm attempting to maintain, are less compared to this loss of feeling, of affection, of legitimate connection.
i really, really missed him today. and i tried to go home after dinner to talk to him, to see him in digital form on my laptop screen, to watch him do whatever it is he wanted to do. i waited for him to get home, waited for him to finish eating, waited for him to be done fiddling with aim so he could "talk to his brother."
my reawakened codependency is breaking my heart more than he is right now. all this disappointed hope is making me cry, not his passive aggression, not his mood swings, not his potential infidelities - whatever shape or form they may be taking as i type.