A Letter to Someone Like You
There's no denying that I was a mess for a while. I say mess because I can't find the right word to define how I was. I could make excuses for miles, and try to explain what losing your best friend is like, how that effects you inside in a way that no one can cure or understand, but excuses aside, I'm not proud of how I handled myself or how good I got at pushing everyone away, and now, at a point in my life where I'm proud of who I am, it haunts me, who I was, and the fact that the majority of the people that once loved me, that I still love, see me as that person and have removed themselves from my life. It's stupid really, to care what anyone else thinks. If I can look in the mirror and honestly say I'm proud of myself for rising out of the ashes, and of the person I've become, then why do I let the past haunt me, or the words of the people who have chosen to become just that, my past. I'm not really sure...why it bothers me anyway, but today I was sipping tea and watching T.V. with my dogs at my toes, and I decided to go make breakfast. Hulu switched over to Pandora, and the song that crept onto the speakers took me instantly back. To that haunted place. I go back there once a month it seems. Something always triggers it, and I just get stuck in my head for days. Today, it took me back to you, and because I can't speak to you, I'm going to write here, because I really don't want it inside me anymore. So here goes.
You were my best friend in the whole world aside from her. As two stupid 16 year olds we dated for like two weeks over summer vacation. We talked on the phone for a good five hours a day. We never ran out of things to say or discuss. We introduced each other to music and movies that changed both of us, that made our lives richer. We broke up. You started dating someone else, I fell in love with the biggest letdown of my life, and we didn't talk. For a year. We saw each other in the hallways of school, made agitated eye contact, didn't speak. Just before the begining of summer, you called. You didn't want us to not be friends anymore. Neither did I. We didn't want to be together, we missed our best friend. Hours a night on the phone began again. Constantly laughing, discussing boyfriends and girlfriends, music, thoughts, dreams, ideas. We debated, we argued, we talked shit, we probably had deeper conversations with each other during those late night talks than we did in the entire day out in the world with other people. We had NO idea then just how close we would become. Junior year came to a close, we were shouting out the countdown til the last bell when we'd be Seniors. As we shouted one and the bell rang, you came running through the crowd and gave me a huge hug, right there in front of everyone, and from that point on, everyone knew if they found one of us, they'd probably find the other. Senior year we were attached at the hip. Quite literally, from first thing in the morning when we drove to school to late afternoon after hours of "homework" when I'd finally go home, we were together. When I left, we were on the phone. "Homework" time was spent playing. LIterally. I don't know what else to call how we spent those afternoon. I've never laughed so much or goofed off so much in my life. Same way at school during lunch and in class. One night I stayed super late to finish watching a movie you were raving about, I remember laying stomach down on your bed, you fell asleep with your head on my legs. I'll never forget that night because I noticed in that moment how natural you and I were, and in your sleep you nuzzled your face into my legs and smiled. Lacey loved you. She just thought our relationship was incredible. And it was. Aside from her, I had never been so close to anyone in my life. When Kyle hurt me, you were there. You'd drive across the city to come console me, or welcome me into your house a sobbing mess. You didn't make me talk about it if I didn't want to, you didn't tell me to leave him, you just let me be. You put on a good mix, or a movie we loved, let me eat dinner with your family, and I always left feeling better simply because I knew I wasn't alone. Not ever. Because we had each other. When Kyle and I finally broke up, you took me on a camping trip. You said, fuck the world, you, me and some friends, we're heading up to the mountains and we're gonna forget everything. I remember sitting on your lap on the drive up and feeling you nuzzle your face into my back. Part of me knew in that moment, as you slid your hands around my waist that life as I knew it was over. That night, you told me you loved me. Not like we usually did, real live in love with me, and you kissed me. Looking back, I don't know if I was IN love with you, or if in that moment, I just truly believed that there was no way in the world any relationship could be better than ours and that you would be the last person in the world to hurt me. I knew I loved you. I always had.
That was the last conversation I had with Lacey you know? about you. She was so happy I thought she'd burst. Happy I wasn't with Kyle anymore and even happier I was with YOU. She knew you'd always be good to me, and she always thought I was my happiest and truest self around you anyway. She was right in that way, but we were both wrong in thinking you'd never hurt me. I wonder sometimes if she knows that.
Everything else gets dark. I can't even begin to put it all into words. I can barely even scrape the surface of what made our relationship so wonderful, our friendship, much less try to portray what happened after. Exactly a month after you and I got together, Lacey died. I think maybe you were afraid of being the person that was supposed to get me through that or something because a week later, a WEEK after the biggest tragedy I'd ever faced, a week after holding my hand at the funeral, you cheated on me. Things hadn't really been going well in your world at that point either and I think the pressure of being there for me on top of keeping it together for yourself was too much. I think you felt alone, like I wasn't there for you even though I was doing my best to be. I don't think you wanted to add burden to what I was going through by expecting me to help you through your stuff. But you were never a burden. I think that's part of why you started to lean on drugs instead of leaning on me. I just watched you go down down down, and forget about me, leave me behind. But I clung to you for dear LIFE because you were what I had left. It was honestly a pathetic display on my part of how weak a person could be. You, Lacey, and Kyle were the three people that made up my world, and without them, you were it. Watching you spin out into a direction I couldn't control terrified me. The idea of losing you, that terrified me more. So, I watched the tornado come, and instead of running for cover, I stood in the middle of the street and let it come for me. I'll leave it at saying that the destruction it caused was just as you would imagine of a tornado. On both of us. There were two moments that define that time for me. The moment you called at 4am to tell me you'd just attempted suicide by wrecking your car on river road and needed me to come get you, I fell to my knees on my parents hallway floor and I bawled long enough to get it out, buck up, and go get you. I was so much more angry at you than I was even sad at that point. It seemed so selfish of you to try to leave me too. But you weren't thinking straight, and as stuck in the wreckage of the tornado as I was, I to this day can't tell you what it must have been like to be in the eye of the storm like you were. The moment I found out I was pregnant with our child...you'll hate me for this, but I knew immediately what the answer was. God, I mean look at us. Look where we were. I think you're still angry with me to this day for making that decision without ever asking what you thought. I didn't ask, I told you, and then it was done. And I stand by that boy, I do. God, we've been through the best moments of my life and the worst. Everything else...it doesn't matter really...
because where are you now?
Gone.
It really shouldn't matter to me because it obviously doesn't matter to you, but you define an entire time of my life for me. You were all I had, and you're gone. You were my best friend. Gone.
Do I have more now? Have I risen from the ashes? Have I learned to let people in? Found people that I love deeply, that complete me, that understand my stories and my past and my darkness? Yes. But they weren't THERE for it, and for some reason, on days like these, when Brand New creeps onto Pandora I wish you could see me now becasue no one would appreciate like you would, who I have become. No one would be as proud. Because you saw me at my worst, you haven't just heard about it, and you would be so proud of me at my best. I want you to know you changed me, and that I think of you, and talk about you, and that even though I am incredibly angry with you, I also love you to death and I always will. I'm more sad than angry anymore. I want you to know that you are part of the reason I have such a hard surface. You are part of why my husband had to work so hard to tear my walls down and get me to open up to him. You are a huge part of why I appreciate him the way that I do. You are part of why I fight so hard when I need to, but also now know when to give up, and who's not worth it.
I want the same for you. Happiness. and I think you've found that. I can imagine you've pulled yourself out of the ashes too, and even though I don't know the details of who you are now, in this moment, I know what the potential of your best you is, and I am proud of you. And I know you'll never see this, and I know it doesn't change anything, but even if this little blurb is just a tiny teardrop in a sea of our friendship, I needed to get it out somewhere.
Are you listening? We write a thousand pages, they're torn on the floor. Headlights hammer the windows, we're locked behind these doors. And we are never leaving, this place is a part of us, and all these scenes repeating are cold to the touch. My hands seem to deceive me when I'm nervous or when I'm healthy, the scenary's all drawn. They hand here from the walls dear, painting pictures, bleeding colors, blankets on the windows. Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe, you're eyes see straight through me.
Who knew those lyrics would have more meaning years later than they did when you showed them to me. Okay, I could write a book to you. I'm done today.
You were my best friend in the whole world aside from her. As two stupid 16 year olds we dated for like two weeks over summer vacation. We talked on the phone for a good five hours a day. We never ran out of things to say or discuss. We introduced each other to music and movies that changed both of us, that made our lives richer. We broke up. You started dating someone else, I fell in love with the biggest letdown of my life, and we didn't talk. For a year. We saw each other in the hallways of school, made agitated eye contact, didn't speak. Just before the begining of summer, you called. You didn't want us to not be friends anymore. Neither did I. We didn't want to be together, we missed our best friend. Hours a night on the phone began again. Constantly laughing, discussing boyfriends and girlfriends, music, thoughts, dreams, ideas. We debated, we argued, we talked shit, we probably had deeper conversations with each other during those late night talks than we did in the entire day out in the world with other people. We had NO idea then just how close we would become. Junior year came to a close, we were shouting out the countdown til the last bell when we'd be Seniors. As we shouted one and the bell rang, you came running through the crowd and gave me a huge hug, right there in front of everyone, and from that point on, everyone knew if they found one of us, they'd probably find the other. Senior year we were attached at the hip. Quite literally, from first thing in the morning when we drove to school to late afternoon after hours of "homework" when I'd finally go home, we were together. When I left, we were on the phone. "Homework" time was spent playing. LIterally. I don't know what else to call how we spent those afternoon. I've never laughed so much or goofed off so much in my life. Same way at school during lunch and in class. One night I stayed super late to finish watching a movie you were raving about, I remember laying stomach down on your bed, you fell asleep with your head on my legs. I'll never forget that night because I noticed in that moment how natural you and I were, and in your sleep you nuzzled your face into my legs and smiled. Lacey loved you. She just thought our relationship was incredible. And it was. Aside from her, I had never been so close to anyone in my life. When Kyle hurt me, you were there. You'd drive across the city to come console me, or welcome me into your house a sobbing mess. You didn't make me talk about it if I didn't want to, you didn't tell me to leave him, you just let me be. You put on a good mix, or a movie we loved, let me eat dinner with your family, and I always left feeling better simply because I knew I wasn't alone. Not ever. Because we had each other. When Kyle and I finally broke up, you took me on a camping trip. You said, fuck the world, you, me and some friends, we're heading up to the mountains and we're gonna forget everything. I remember sitting on your lap on the drive up and feeling you nuzzle your face into my back. Part of me knew in that moment, as you slid your hands around my waist that life as I knew it was over. That night, you told me you loved me. Not like we usually did, real live in love with me, and you kissed me. Looking back, I don't know if I was IN love with you, or if in that moment, I just truly believed that there was no way in the world any relationship could be better than ours and that you would be the last person in the world to hurt me. I knew I loved you. I always had.
That was the last conversation I had with Lacey you know? about you. She was so happy I thought she'd burst. Happy I wasn't with Kyle anymore and even happier I was with YOU. She knew you'd always be good to me, and she always thought I was my happiest and truest self around you anyway. She was right in that way, but we were both wrong in thinking you'd never hurt me. I wonder sometimes if she knows that.
Everything else gets dark. I can't even begin to put it all into words. I can barely even scrape the surface of what made our relationship so wonderful, our friendship, much less try to portray what happened after. Exactly a month after you and I got together, Lacey died. I think maybe you were afraid of being the person that was supposed to get me through that or something because a week later, a WEEK after the biggest tragedy I'd ever faced, a week after holding my hand at the funeral, you cheated on me. Things hadn't really been going well in your world at that point either and I think the pressure of being there for me on top of keeping it together for yourself was too much. I think you felt alone, like I wasn't there for you even though I was doing my best to be. I don't think you wanted to add burden to what I was going through by expecting me to help you through your stuff. But you were never a burden. I think that's part of why you started to lean on drugs instead of leaning on me. I just watched you go down down down, and forget about me, leave me behind. But I clung to you for dear LIFE because you were what I had left. It was honestly a pathetic display on my part of how weak a person could be. You, Lacey, and Kyle were the three people that made up my world, and without them, you were it. Watching you spin out into a direction I couldn't control terrified me. The idea of losing you, that terrified me more. So, I watched the tornado come, and instead of running for cover, I stood in the middle of the street and let it come for me. I'll leave it at saying that the destruction it caused was just as you would imagine of a tornado. On both of us. There were two moments that define that time for me. The moment you called at 4am to tell me you'd just attempted suicide by wrecking your car on river road and needed me to come get you, I fell to my knees on my parents hallway floor and I bawled long enough to get it out, buck up, and go get you. I was so much more angry at you than I was even sad at that point. It seemed so selfish of you to try to leave me too. But you weren't thinking straight, and as stuck in the wreckage of the tornado as I was, I to this day can't tell you what it must have been like to be in the eye of the storm like you were. The moment I found out I was pregnant with our child...you'll hate me for this, but I knew immediately what the answer was. God, I mean look at us. Look where we were. I think you're still angry with me to this day for making that decision without ever asking what you thought. I didn't ask, I told you, and then it was done. And I stand by that boy, I do. God, we've been through the best moments of my life and the worst. Everything else...it doesn't matter really...
because where are you now?
Gone.
It really shouldn't matter to me because it obviously doesn't matter to you, but you define an entire time of my life for me. You were all I had, and you're gone. You were my best friend. Gone.
Do I have more now? Have I risen from the ashes? Have I learned to let people in? Found people that I love deeply, that complete me, that understand my stories and my past and my darkness? Yes. But they weren't THERE for it, and for some reason, on days like these, when Brand New creeps onto Pandora I wish you could see me now becasue no one would appreciate like you would, who I have become. No one would be as proud. Because you saw me at my worst, you haven't just heard about it, and you would be so proud of me at my best. I want you to know you changed me, and that I think of you, and talk about you, and that even though I am incredibly angry with you, I also love you to death and I always will. I'm more sad than angry anymore. I want you to know that you are part of the reason I have such a hard surface. You are part of why my husband had to work so hard to tear my walls down and get me to open up to him. You are a huge part of why I appreciate him the way that I do. You are part of why I fight so hard when I need to, but also now know when to give up, and who's not worth it.
I want the same for you. Happiness. and I think you've found that. I can imagine you've pulled yourself out of the ashes too, and even though I don't know the details of who you are now, in this moment, I know what the potential of your best you is, and I am proud of you. And I know you'll never see this, and I know it doesn't change anything, but even if this little blurb is just a tiny teardrop in a sea of our friendship, I needed to get it out somewhere.
Are you listening? We write a thousand pages, they're torn on the floor. Headlights hammer the windows, we're locked behind these doors. And we are never leaving, this place is a part of us, and all these scenes repeating are cold to the touch. My hands seem to deceive me when I'm nervous or when I'm healthy, the scenary's all drawn. They hand here from the walls dear, painting pictures, bleeding colors, blankets on the windows. Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe, you're eyes see straight through me.
Who knew those lyrics would have more meaning years later than they did when you showed them to me. Okay, I could write a book to you. I'm done today.