(no subject)
I think this might be the end of me. Last time i felt like this.. i lost vision. Shit falls apart quicker than it is built. Every time i try, i try harder than the last, I make it further than the last. But it still falls apart. It crumbles to the ground. I think i have a problem with relationships. I attach to people because i see myself, or pieces of myself in them. When i realize a flaw, it's my own. I take it into myself. And then i sever all ties, to fix myself... to remove the flaws. I have had one girlfriend in my life, and i finally see why. People dont hate me as much as i think they do. I hate the people as much as i think that. I havent had a real job in at least 2 years. I dont have work ethic. The only thing i want to do is make music. Shitty that my goal revolves around a full band of other people just as much as myself. I could work a shit job alone. I could go to school alone. I cant be in a band alone. Everything has been in shambles since i left my old house. I still hate it here. I cant sleep sometimes. I sit up and think about life, and dont like what i come up with. I've been listening to a lot of music that i listened to when i was growing up. I trying to recreate a feeling. I dont know which feeling. Have you ever felt like you had one really fond memory that you wanted to realive...but cant figure out which memory? Like.. you can't wait till summer weather comes back, but when its summer.. there is still something missing. It makes you feel empty inside. Empty and cheated. Thats the feeling im longing for. I reaching out for a memory that doesnt exist. But there are some that exist. I miss having somebody to be with everyday, every hour. Somebody who made me feel better just staring into their eyes. Somebody to hold when i sleep at night. I miss that one point in my life when i didnt have a band, i didnt even play drums for months.. and i was happy anyway. Thats been gone for a while now. Ive learned to deal with it. Is dealing enough. Have i really learned to deal anyway? Do i just not have a choice. How is it ever possible to not have a choice. Imagine that. America.. land of the free. Do whatever makes you happy. But does it REALLY make you happy. My friends make me happy. Being in love makes me happy. I cant just go out and be in love. I cant gaurantee my friends wont stab me in the back like they have thousands of times. I can think of about 4 people i love and trust. Id take a bullet to the head for them. Fuck it.. id take a bullet to the head for a lot of people. But would they do it for me? I want to attend my own funeral. I want to see what people truly say about me when im gone. How do people think of really good lyrics? Like.. the ones that you read and you are just amazed by? I don't think Id be capable of writing something that truly amazed anyone. I'd doubt if i could even do anything that amazed someone. Writing this amazed me. It freed me. I dont really think ill be happy that so many people see it. But i want people to. For once i want to get shit out of my head. Its a jumbled mess.. but so is my head. I didnt type this to be confusing. I typed this as it came out. This is how my brain works. Have you ever been in a car with me, and realized i was much more quiet than usual. This is what i was thinking. Sometimes i think so hard that i make myself feel like im drunk. Sometimes i drink so much that i believe in thinking. Sometimes i hate smoking pot. Sometimes it realives me. Sometimes i hate myself. Sometimes i dont understand what there is to hate about me, and i even feel like a martyr. Id give to my friends until i had nothing to give. If you are true to me, you know this. I almost need to be tested. My good friends arent the ones who know what i give. The people who have used me, stabbed me in the back, and been removed from my life are the ones who know what lengths i would go to for people. I cant make myself happy alone. I can make other people happy. I have an open ear, an open mind, and an open wallet for people who i truly care about. Chances are, i truly care more about you then myself. I am worthless. I am a musician who isnt capable of making music alone. An artist with no brushes if you will. I am an empty soul. I am done.