Loner
So im sitting here and thinking..I use to love christmas and what it had to offer and this year reality hit me. I have my family, yes. but it is not the same. I dont have a car and I am alone at my apartment and no one wants to come get me or help. This sucks. Then I was thinking about alot of things, reading alot of peoples journals and their memories, etc. and the memories they share with their friends. First off, I was blessed to be a part of them, but I was only there. I thought about it, and I really havent been a part of anything my friends have. I have merely just been there. No one calls me, No one asks how Im doing, and it seems like everyone is talking behind my back. Sure, people call, but only for a favor. I look back at the relationships I held at the begining of the year, and I ask myself what happened? I loved it when people called, or when people would smile and I could hold a conversation, and now..now its like I have a downpour on my head. Everyone says hello, but no one wants to talk. I look at the people I have helped throughout the year get involved in clubs, activities and positions at LSU, and look back at where they are now and how somehow I never existed in their decision to do something great, Im not asking for credit, Im just asking to keep a relationship. What bothers me most, is Im only needed when something is wanted. I AM USED. Even in friendships. I am not going to begin to tell you how many times I have introduced people to eachother and their friendship blossoms into something incredible, and when it comes to me looking to do something with any one of them, it becomes What do you want>? instead of Hey, how are you doing? All I want is they way things were before to be back again, but I know its never going to happen. Ive discovered my biggest fear in life is being alone, and sadly its coming true. I want nothing more than to be included, and to have people be honest, Im a say it now, if you dont like me, for whatever reason..FUCKING TELL ME..stop being a fake to me. PLEASE. Your only making the glass dirty when I look at you and you tell a lie. I am no longer apologizing for the person I am, because its who I am. I want nothing more this holiday season than my friends. I am hoping to enjoy a holiday with friends I miss, family that I love and people I hope to bring joy too. I wish you all a Merry and Blessed Christmas and success in the New Year. Keep me in your prayers and my family, and those who fell victim to all the natural disasters that occurred in 2005. Love you even if you dont know it.
-ForeverLSU
-ForeverLSU