(no subject)
You know those moments when you realize something? All of a sudden, and you get knocked off your feet by it. I made the mistake of listening to Pandora tonight, on my "Train" station. All the music got me thinking. It started off innocently enough, I've been listening to too much star94 and I've lost touch with the sort of music I like. The odd thing is that I remembered that I like the music I like for a reason. It makes me think. This isn't the most convenient time for me because I have a lot that I could be doing, but I never stop these epiphanies because I know they're important.
It's just odd, how quickly I get caught up in things. I feel like recently I've been so involved with other people that I've lost sight of what I think. It scares me a bit to think about, because I don't want to lose myself like this.
It's a weird time in my life. I feel like a lot is changing and I'm more or less stuck in the middle. There is also a lot to be said for inattention. Self is like anything else, I think. Without practice, you can't really ever be good at knowing what it is you want and how you choose to live your life. I'm having a crisis of faith, a crisis of friendship, a crisis of family. Chaos in general. There's peace in solitude that I seem to have misplaced, but tonight I put the rest aside and started really thinking about how I feel about everything I pretend to be sure about.
I miss my friends. I miss the familiarity, I miss feeling sure of them. My faith in friendship has been shaken, not because I don't believe in the power of love between friends, but because in the past couple of months I've had a few absolutes I believed in torn down. I once thought that if you were there for someone, that would be enough. And so I poured myself into them, hoping that my actions would have some effect on how things went. It seems that regardless of friendships, family, promises; we really are alone. Not in a depressing "you have to go through life alone" sort of way, but the only person that can ever truly judge you or hold you accountable is yourself. You're the only one you can't lie to. Which is why it's been so hard to let go of the friends I thought I understood. It's hard to act on your own, and I'm dealing with that, but what has been harder is knowing that you can't live someone's life for them.
I'm trying to hard to love everyone else and myself too. I'm thinking that's an impossibility. I just don't know how much of myself I can keep giving away; I need to keep some for my own problems, my own joys. Perhaps that's the real problem. Maybe I've been trying so hard to have others validate my happiness that I stopped trying to do it myself.
People are important to me, and always will be. I think this will always be my biggest struggle. I find comfort in introversion but I need people in my life. I don't know if I can ever really find a balance between the two. It's hard. I don't think I ever expected something like this to be so hard. Death is supposed to be hard, and disease and poverty. Not friendship.
Most of the things that I had counted as "definites" have been wavering recently. People, yes, but other things too. I had certain beliefs that I thought I would never stray from that I find being tested.
There's a poem I read the other day in class about how the artist is a soul torn. To truly create art, you cannot involve yourself in the petty ways of the world. The struggle is living as a human without other humans; artistry is imperfect. You can't really understand the world looking from the outside and you definitely can't see the big picture when you're in the middle of it.
God has been messing with me too. I'm trying so hard to believe in something I already know. He just seems so far away sometimes. It's not anything I planned on, I just don't know how to go about my own life anymore. I want to believe in beauty and faith and purity, I want to believe in the good. And I do. Just how much? There's so much always happening in the world. It's overwhelming. Not even the whole "God wouldn't do these bad things," though that is part of it. I mean that everything else overwhelms faith for me nowadays. That never used to happen, and it's something to learn to handle, but it makes everything else a lot more difficult when you don't have faith to catch you when you fall.
There is a desire for a constant in all of our lives I think. You want it to be God, or a friend or a place or a feeling that you have. You want there to be something in your life that will always be there, and everyone is looking for it and everyone is failing. I am. Maybe the real answer is that the only real constant is you. You change, of course. Hearts and minds are constantly changing course and molding themselves over again, but you will always be there to have an impact and to serve witness to your life.
So I suppose if you're not happy, why wouldn't you feel helpless? Nothing else lasts. God does, or at least that's what I think I believe, but faith is not unwavering and that's almost as bad.
I don't know. Existence is fickle, and most of the time I'm glad for that. Some stability right now would be nice, but I take comfort in knowing that I'm learning from everything I go through. The more I let myself feel, the wiser I'll be. Until then I'll just make the best out of being witness to myself. It should be a fun ride.
It's just odd, how quickly I get caught up in things. I feel like recently I've been so involved with other people that I've lost sight of what I think. It scares me a bit to think about, because I don't want to lose myself like this.
It's a weird time in my life. I feel like a lot is changing and I'm more or less stuck in the middle. There is also a lot to be said for inattention. Self is like anything else, I think. Without practice, you can't really ever be good at knowing what it is you want and how you choose to live your life. I'm having a crisis of faith, a crisis of friendship, a crisis of family. Chaos in general. There's peace in solitude that I seem to have misplaced, but tonight I put the rest aside and started really thinking about how I feel about everything I pretend to be sure about.
I miss my friends. I miss the familiarity, I miss feeling sure of them. My faith in friendship has been shaken, not because I don't believe in the power of love between friends, but because in the past couple of months I've had a few absolutes I believed in torn down. I once thought that if you were there for someone, that would be enough. And so I poured myself into them, hoping that my actions would have some effect on how things went. It seems that regardless of friendships, family, promises; we really are alone. Not in a depressing "you have to go through life alone" sort of way, but the only person that can ever truly judge you or hold you accountable is yourself. You're the only one you can't lie to. Which is why it's been so hard to let go of the friends I thought I understood. It's hard to act on your own, and I'm dealing with that, but what has been harder is knowing that you can't live someone's life for them.
I'm trying to hard to love everyone else and myself too. I'm thinking that's an impossibility. I just don't know how much of myself I can keep giving away; I need to keep some for my own problems, my own joys. Perhaps that's the real problem. Maybe I've been trying so hard to have others validate my happiness that I stopped trying to do it myself.
People are important to me, and always will be. I think this will always be my biggest struggle. I find comfort in introversion but I need people in my life. I don't know if I can ever really find a balance between the two. It's hard. I don't think I ever expected something like this to be so hard. Death is supposed to be hard, and disease and poverty. Not friendship.
Most of the things that I had counted as "definites" have been wavering recently. People, yes, but other things too. I had certain beliefs that I thought I would never stray from that I find being tested.
There's a poem I read the other day in class about how the artist is a soul torn. To truly create art, you cannot involve yourself in the petty ways of the world. The struggle is living as a human without other humans; artistry is imperfect. You can't really understand the world looking from the outside and you definitely can't see the big picture when you're in the middle of it.
God has been messing with me too. I'm trying so hard to believe in something I already know. He just seems so far away sometimes. It's not anything I planned on, I just don't know how to go about my own life anymore. I want to believe in beauty and faith and purity, I want to believe in the good. And I do. Just how much? There's so much always happening in the world. It's overwhelming. Not even the whole "God wouldn't do these bad things," though that is part of it. I mean that everything else overwhelms faith for me nowadays. That never used to happen, and it's something to learn to handle, but it makes everything else a lot more difficult when you don't have faith to catch you when you fall.
There is a desire for a constant in all of our lives I think. You want it to be God, or a friend or a place or a feeling that you have. You want there to be something in your life that will always be there, and everyone is looking for it and everyone is failing. I am. Maybe the real answer is that the only real constant is you. You change, of course. Hearts and minds are constantly changing course and molding themselves over again, but you will always be there to have an impact and to serve witness to your life.
So I suppose if you're not happy, why wouldn't you feel helpless? Nothing else lasts. God does, or at least that's what I think I believe, but faith is not unwavering and that's almost as bad.
I don't know. Existence is fickle, and most of the time I'm glad for that. Some stability right now would be nice, but I take comfort in knowing that I'm learning from everything I go through. The more I let myself feel, the wiser I'll be. Until then I'll just make the best out of being witness to myself. It should be a fun ride.