Road Warrior
For me there are three simple inventions that would eliminate 90% of the hassles associated with driving in this cesspool of idiots. The first is merely an evasive device that is designed to thwart the fascist scum parading under the badge of law enforcement.
The Radar Detector
Given the apparent frequency of ill-fated encounters with the Alachua County Traffic Patrol as of late, it might be worth investing in a radar/laser detection device. Rather than succumb to the rigid autocracy of government-mandated speed limits, I choose to defend my right to travel at the speed of light with virtual impunity from the law.
Two rules of thumb to determine my optimum speed:
1. If I'm traveling behind you, your red car should look blue.
2. When I pass you on the road, time should slow down.
So far, I'm about two speeding tickets away from having this thing pay for itself, which in shitty-little-redneck-town terms is about 3 months. I don't want to hear anyone say that they didn't know what to get me for Christmas this year.
MeterAid®
The next one should be pretty self-explanatory, especially given my car's propensity for attracting meter maids from all around. This device can be thought of as an electrical shield which will deliver a deadly shock when activated, which in my case would probably be about 3 times a week if I park in the Shands parking garage. Spiffy advertising too.
Don't deny that you love this idea and wish you could implement it on your own vehicle.
The Missile Launcher
I personally think my stress levels would abate quite significantly if I had the power to torpedo annoying drivers (and the occasional traffic cop) who get in my way. Its for the sake of my health, really. I am firmly convinced that if I could mount one of these atop a silver Acura Integra then everything would be alright and I would stop having conniptions on the road. Besides, the roads would be much safer if I could selectively annihilate all the bad drivers with the push of a button. Its a win-win situation, right?
The Radar Detector
Given the apparent frequency of ill-fated encounters with the Alachua County Traffic Patrol as of late, it might be worth investing in a radar/laser detection device. Rather than succumb to the rigid autocracy of government-mandated speed limits, I choose to defend my right to travel at the speed of light with virtual impunity from the law.
Two rules of thumb to determine my optimum speed:
1. If I'm traveling behind you, your red car should look blue.
2. When I pass you on the road, time should slow down.
So far, I'm about two speeding tickets away from having this thing pay for itself, which in shitty-little-redneck-town terms is about 3 months. I don't want to hear anyone say that they didn't know what to get me for Christmas this year.
MeterAid®
The next one should be pretty self-explanatory, especially given my car's propensity for attracting meter maids from all around. This device can be thought of as an electrical shield which will deliver a deadly shock when activated, which in my case would probably be about 3 times a week if I park in the Shands parking garage. Spiffy advertising too.
Don't deny that you love this idea and wish you could implement it on your own vehicle.
The Missile Launcher
I personally think my stress levels would abate quite significantly if I had the power to torpedo annoying drivers (and the occasional traffic cop) who get in my way. Its for the sake of my health, really. I am firmly convinced that if I could mount one of these atop a silver Acura Integra then everything would be alright and I would stop having conniptions on the road. Besides, the roads would be much safer if I could selectively annihilate all the bad drivers with the push of a button. Its a win-win situation, right?