Inner Monologue of a Beat Cop: Did I Fail?
Let me preface this by saying that I don't need a bunch of people to pat me on the head and tell me I'm special and awesome. I use this place to vent, so hopefully, in 20 years, I don't suck start my Glock.
I got sent to, kind of a, domestic call with my Boot (trainee). This 14 year old girl is having it out with her grandparents, whom she lives with. They basically claim that she's a little hellion, who runs amock, curses at them, hangs out with shady kids, and throws shit around the house. We continue to talk, and the grandparents can't single out a single incident in which a crime occured. More of just a general concensus that the kid is kind of a bitch, and they are at their whits ends.
So I meet with the skallywag. She looks like a 14 year old girl. Wearing Van's boat shoes with little stars, those rediculous skin tight tapered emo skinny jeans, a girl tshirt, with makeup and a semi emo haircat that hangs in her face a little. Immediately, she calls me by name. Yeah, she knows me from the mall. Not so much that we have interacted, but her friends have told her about me. (at least my reputation precedes me) She admitts to calling grandma a fucking bitch, and telling her to shut up, and sometimes not listening to them. But she also claims that Grandma changes the rules, mid rule, and gets confused about where she (kid) is, and when she's supposed to be back. Kid says grandma has told her she's not wanted there, and quite frankly, kid doens't really want to be there. But kid is smart enough to know that she has 3 1/2 years left before adulthood, and has to be there.
I lay out the ground rules. She's a minor with rights and responsibilities. Unfortunately, the responsibilities greatly outweigh the rights. She can't swear at grandma. He room must be kept clean. She can not break ANYTHING in the house, for it ALL belongs to grandma. And finally, she can not leave without permission.
Then, my Action Plan. Every time she leaves the house, she will write out where she is going, who she is with, when she will be back, and how to get ahold of her. And then she and grandma will sign it, and put it on the fridge. That way there is NO disagreement about when she was supposed to return, or where she was to be. It's a win win.
During my long winded rant about families, and kids, and responsibilities, and drigs and sex, and dangers, kid is generally happy. She is polite, smiles, and occasionally even laughs. I tell her that I am grounding her for tonight. She is to clean her room, and then read, write, or draw, in her room, until she goes to bed. The next day, she can leave the house. But tonight, she needs to stay in and clean her room. Having come to an agreement, we leave. Everyone is happy.
An hour later, I just started my lunch. I am 1 taco into my 3 taco combo. A suicide kicks out. Other units are going. Then I hear the address. I put my taco down. A 14 year old girl has cut herself with a razor. WTF?? We leave our lunch on the table and head to the car.
Sure as shit, it's the same girl. Un-fucking-believable. Boot drives back to the house.
I walk in. Kid has her left arm wrapped in a towel. Her pants are soaked in blood. It's on the bed, her feet, the floor. I tell her to show me. She has about 40-50 superficial slices on her forearm. Not life threatening, but bleeding pretty good. Boot finds the razor blade on the floor. Broken disposable razor on the nightstand. I stare. In amazement. "Well, you wanted attention. Here we are. What do you want?" I ask. She starts crying. Says "It's not about attention. I just want my grandmother to want me. I want to feel wanted." I asked her what she expected the outcome of this situation to be. She doesn't answer. I ask how we got from cleaning our room, to carving our arm. She doesn't answer.
I ask her how I failed. What the fuck happened in the 60 minutes I was gone. How did we go from smiling and talking, and agreeing, and coming up with solutions, to this? How did we get from talking about making mature decisions, and thinking about consequences before acting to this? How, how the fuck, did I spend an hour and a half with your family, mediating 14 years of fucked up family life, and then leave, thinking I had fixed the problem? How did I get the wool pulled over my eyes taht bad? How did I not see, hear, or feel a single fucking clue that this was going to happen? How did I Fail? She didn't answer. She didn't even look at me.
Is she gonna die? Not from those cuts. Not unless she get's MRSA or something. But still. My job is to protect. No 14 year old girl should be carving herself up like that. Especially not 30 minutes after I talked with her.
So, I don't knwo what happened. I don't know hoe I didn't see it, or what I missed. I don't know what I said or did, or what I forgot to say, or didn't do. I really don't get it. But I'm seriously pissed. And I'm not quite sure how to get passed this one.
I got sent to, kind of a, domestic call with my Boot (trainee). This 14 year old girl is having it out with her grandparents, whom she lives with. They basically claim that she's a little hellion, who runs amock, curses at them, hangs out with shady kids, and throws shit around the house. We continue to talk, and the grandparents can't single out a single incident in which a crime occured. More of just a general concensus that the kid is kind of a bitch, and they are at their whits ends.
So I meet with the skallywag. She looks like a 14 year old girl. Wearing Van's boat shoes with little stars, those rediculous skin tight tapered emo skinny jeans, a girl tshirt, with makeup and a semi emo haircat that hangs in her face a little. Immediately, she calls me by name. Yeah, she knows me from the mall. Not so much that we have interacted, but her friends have told her about me. (at least my reputation precedes me) She admitts to calling grandma a fucking bitch, and telling her to shut up, and sometimes not listening to them. But she also claims that Grandma changes the rules, mid rule, and gets confused about where she (kid) is, and when she's supposed to be back. Kid says grandma has told her she's not wanted there, and quite frankly, kid doens't really want to be there. But kid is smart enough to know that she has 3 1/2 years left before adulthood, and has to be there.
I lay out the ground rules. She's a minor with rights and responsibilities. Unfortunately, the responsibilities greatly outweigh the rights. She can't swear at grandma. He room must be kept clean. She can not break ANYTHING in the house, for it ALL belongs to grandma. And finally, she can not leave without permission.
Then, my Action Plan. Every time she leaves the house, she will write out where she is going, who she is with, when she will be back, and how to get ahold of her. And then she and grandma will sign it, and put it on the fridge. That way there is NO disagreement about when she was supposed to return, or where she was to be. It's a win win.
During my long winded rant about families, and kids, and responsibilities, and drigs and sex, and dangers, kid is generally happy. She is polite, smiles, and occasionally even laughs. I tell her that I am grounding her for tonight. She is to clean her room, and then read, write, or draw, in her room, until she goes to bed. The next day, she can leave the house. But tonight, she needs to stay in and clean her room. Having come to an agreement, we leave. Everyone is happy.
An hour later, I just started my lunch. I am 1 taco into my 3 taco combo. A suicide kicks out. Other units are going. Then I hear the address. I put my taco down. A 14 year old girl has cut herself with a razor. WTF?? We leave our lunch on the table and head to the car.
Sure as shit, it's the same girl. Un-fucking-believable. Boot drives back to the house.
I walk in. Kid has her left arm wrapped in a towel. Her pants are soaked in blood. It's on the bed, her feet, the floor. I tell her to show me. She has about 40-50 superficial slices on her forearm. Not life threatening, but bleeding pretty good. Boot finds the razor blade on the floor. Broken disposable razor on the nightstand. I stare. In amazement. "Well, you wanted attention. Here we are. What do you want?" I ask. She starts crying. Says "It's not about attention. I just want my grandmother to want me. I want to feel wanted." I asked her what she expected the outcome of this situation to be. She doesn't answer. I ask how we got from cleaning our room, to carving our arm. She doesn't answer.
I ask her how I failed. What the fuck happened in the 60 minutes I was gone. How did we go from smiling and talking, and agreeing, and coming up with solutions, to this? How did we get from talking about making mature decisions, and thinking about consequences before acting to this? How, how the fuck, did I spend an hour and a half with your family, mediating 14 years of fucked up family life, and then leave, thinking I had fixed the problem? How did I get the wool pulled over my eyes taht bad? How did I not see, hear, or feel a single fucking clue that this was going to happen? How did I Fail? She didn't answer. She didn't even look at me.
Is she gonna die? Not from those cuts. Not unless she get's MRSA or something. But still. My job is to protect. No 14 year old girl should be carving herself up like that. Especially not 30 minutes after I talked with her.
So, I don't knwo what happened. I don't know hoe I didn't see it, or what I missed. I don't know what I said or did, or what I forgot to say, or didn't do. I really don't get it. But I'm seriously pissed. And I'm not quite sure how to get passed this one.