August, don't be a dick?
Hello.
I've been wanting to write for ages, but I'm never 100% sure where to begin.
So the end of term came and went. I made a beautiful video for Ash using recorded messages from the kids. Gosh. That was hard work. Not least because everything seemed to be in the wrong fucking format! Alex had to re-record the music about seven times. And then I got a kidney infection mid-week and went home ill one day and came in late the next. My favourite Year 9, John, insisted on recording his message on his own. It was so eloquent and sweet. Ended up showing it to Ash in ILN then re-showing it to the whole staff after school. He said he loved it. Although we didn't get to say goodbye as I had to leave early. We did text-goodbyes, which were probably better, as neither of us are tactile or affectionate.
As soon as I finished school, we threw stuff in the car and headed to Mum's. Dave and I were in charge of Hayd for the evening, who was totally exhausted by the time we got there so we he was just a sleepy sweetie. Had a couple of hours with Mum, and then off to bed, and up in the morning stressing about my wedding outfit before meeting Rosie in Hay and driving up the mountain to Jen's wedding. Such a surreal experience watching her get married, as most of my memores involving Jen feature Chemistry lessons and the Ha-Ha wall...
She looked beautiful. It was a lovely day, although I struggled with the company a lot of the time. Thank goodness for Rosie. When Cait, Dom, Liz, Lee, Ella, Dave and Marc turned up I felt so, so happy. Genuinely cannot put into words how wonderful it was to have us all around the same table. Grown up, but still giggly. It was, I think, renewing. We laughed, were silly and danced.
Dom took us back to Dave's. Woke up the next day and went to Cardiff to watch Geth canoeing. I liked wearing a scarf and doing Sunday afternoon things with a family that...I have forgiven. I liked windswept cuddles and chats with Jayne, and the bear hugs that Geth always greets me with. We went for lunch where I teased Geth about his social life, and I realised, actually, I am so comfortable with all of them. I even sat with his Dad at the kitchen table for about half an hour talking about Radio 4 (our one great mutual love) and male voice choirs (that one is more his). I am so lucky.
We drove about seven hours back to Colchester then. He was irritable, but insistent that he was not. But he was.
The week was rubbish. Actual rubbish. There is something about being there that makes me feel overwhelmingly insecure. Maybe it's that awful, needless, torturing part of my brain which asks "I wonder if he ever took an ex girlfriend here." every.where.we.go. Or that I worry his friends look at me thinking "She's not as pretty as his last girlfriend." And the rest. The times when my mind truly loses control of itself and delves into the completely needless imaginings of his life before me. It's so frustrating, so unreasonable, so painful. So out of my control. It doesn't seem to matter the lengths he goes to show me that I'm the One...my head is intent on punishing me whenever I'm in Colchester. When does it end? After two years? When he moves away? If he marries me? Fucking Hell.
Coupled with the fact that Colchester makes him angry, argumentative and closed off, I have decided it's a place we should avoid being at the same time. Let's stick to the south coast.
We left on the Friday and had about 18 hours in Chichester after an agonising two hours moving out of my flat. Then he left again, and I remained here with Polly and my theatre. I'll see him again on Thursday for Mum's party weekend, where I get to see my brother for the first time in a year!
Surely, just surely, everything will be fine.
I've been wanting to write for ages, but I'm never 100% sure where to begin.
So the end of term came and went. I made a beautiful video for Ash using recorded messages from the kids. Gosh. That was hard work. Not least because everything seemed to be in the wrong fucking format! Alex had to re-record the music about seven times. And then I got a kidney infection mid-week and went home ill one day and came in late the next. My favourite Year 9, John, insisted on recording his message on his own. It was so eloquent and sweet. Ended up showing it to Ash in ILN then re-showing it to the whole staff after school. He said he loved it. Although we didn't get to say goodbye as I had to leave early. We did text-goodbyes, which were probably better, as neither of us are tactile or affectionate.
As soon as I finished school, we threw stuff in the car and headed to Mum's. Dave and I were in charge of Hayd for the evening, who was totally exhausted by the time we got there so we he was just a sleepy sweetie. Had a couple of hours with Mum, and then off to bed, and up in the morning stressing about my wedding outfit before meeting Rosie in Hay and driving up the mountain to Jen's wedding. Such a surreal experience watching her get married, as most of my memores involving Jen feature Chemistry lessons and the Ha-Ha wall...
She looked beautiful. It was a lovely day, although I struggled with the company a lot of the time. Thank goodness for Rosie. When Cait, Dom, Liz, Lee, Ella, Dave and Marc turned up I felt so, so happy. Genuinely cannot put into words how wonderful it was to have us all around the same table. Grown up, but still giggly. It was, I think, renewing. We laughed, were silly and danced.
Dom took us back to Dave's. Woke up the next day and went to Cardiff to watch Geth canoeing. I liked wearing a scarf and doing Sunday afternoon things with a family that...I have forgiven. I liked windswept cuddles and chats with Jayne, and the bear hugs that Geth always greets me with. We went for lunch where I teased Geth about his social life, and I realised, actually, I am so comfortable with all of them. I even sat with his Dad at the kitchen table for about half an hour talking about Radio 4 (our one great mutual love) and male voice choirs (that one is more his). I am so lucky.
We drove about seven hours back to Colchester then. He was irritable, but insistent that he was not. But he was.
The week was rubbish. Actual rubbish. There is something about being there that makes me feel overwhelmingly insecure. Maybe it's that awful, needless, torturing part of my brain which asks "I wonder if he ever took an ex girlfriend here." every.where.we.go. Or that I worry his friends look at me thinking "She's not as pretty as his last girlfriend." And the rest. The times when my mind truly loses control of itself and delves into the completely needless imaginings of his life before me. It's so frustrating, so unreasonable, so painful. So out of my control. It doesn't seem to matter the lengths he goes to show me that I'm the One...my head is intent on punishing me whenever I'm in Colchester. When does it end? After two years? When he moves away? If he marries me? Fucking Hell.
Coupled with the fact that Colchester makes him angry, argumentative and closed off, I have decided it's a place we should avoid being at the same time. Let's stick to the south coast.
We left on the Friday and had about 18 hours in Chichester after an agonising two hours moving out of my flat. Then he left again, and I remained here with Polly and my theatre. I'll see him again on Thursday for Mum's party weekend, where I get to see my brother for the first time in a year!
Surely, just surely, everything will be fine.