sometimes i want to go back in time
and tell all the boys who wanted me to lose weight when i was a size 14 or even a size 16...
that they had no idea what they were doing.
because now i have restricted and binged and starved and rebelled to a point where my metabolism is ruined and even though i am finally, FINALLY in a healthy headspace and eating food that is mostly fruits and vegetables, i have punished my body to a point where the damage seems irreparable.
you know what? i look back on old pictures of myself. i replay scenes where i clearly remember the shape of my body. and i was BEAUTIFUL. and there was nothing wrong except me not knowing how to be emotionally healthy.
and all those stupid boys, all those boys i listened to, all their insecurities i let them project onto me...well i've met who they are 10 years from then. and who they are now is either a completely screwed up, emotionally stunted mess, or a guy who is secure with the fact that he is attracted to full-figured women.
all that time when i was insecure about dating older guys, i SHOULD have been dating them. because they had done the work to accept who it is they really are.
and now that i'm at a place where i am old enough that i CAN date those guys...i'm insecure with my body. because this doesn't seem like the body i am supposed to have. i KNOW i'm not supposed to be a size 2. i know this. but i also know my body was designed to be smaller than this. and the weight i am carrying now is like an old war injury, lodged in my stomach to remind me of the hardship i endured. or, to be slightly more positive, a child i have been carrying to term. my sadness baby. full of regret and futility that has accumulated over time.
things are changing for me in some very big ways and i feel like i can only carry this weight for so long. it's only logical that it will have to go now that the rest of me is catching up.
i hate what he did when i was 14. i never asked for that, didn't want it, didn't even know how. i even said no, like you're supposed to do in the movies. if i were on law & order svu, it would be easy for the jury to convict him, so the majority of the hour would be spent catching him. i have no idea who he is or how to catch him but i hate him for the impact he left on my life. i want to go back in time, hold my 14 year old self and tell her that looks had NOTHING to do with it. that he was a monster or confused and pathetic and i couldn't protect against it by adding layers. real monsters are expert at cutting those layers off, at cutting you down. all i did was make myself unrecognizable to even myself and prolong the process of finding out who it is i really am.
i'm starting to understand what my mind is really like. i hope i can work hard enough and love myself enough to discover what my body is really like - without the imprint of the pain.
that they had no idea what they were doing.
because now i have restricted and binged and starved and rebelled to a point where my metabolism is ruined and even though i am finally, FINALLY in a healthy headspace and eating food that is mostly fruits and vegetables, i have punished my body to a point where the damage seems irreparable.
you know what? i look back on old pictures of myself. i replay scenes where i clearly remember the shape of my body. and i was BEAUTIFUL. and there was nothing wrong except me not knowing how to be emotionally healthy.
and all those stupid boys, all those boys i listened to, all their insecurities i let them project onto me...well i've met who they are 10 years from then. and who they are now is either a completely screwed up, emotionally stunted mess, or a guy who is secure with the fact that he is attracted to full-figured women.
all that time when i was insecure about dating older guys, i SHOULD have been dating them. because they had done the work to accept who it is they really are.
and now that i'm at a place where i am old enough that i CAN date those guys...i'm insecure with my body. because this doesn't seem like the body i am supposed to have. i KNOW i'm not supposed to be a size 2. i know this. but i also know my body was designed to be smaller than this. and the weight i am carrying now is like an old war injury, lodged in my stomach to remind me of the hardship i endured. or, to be slightly more positive, a child i have been carrying to term. my sadness baby. full of regret and futility that has accumulated over time.
things are changing for me in some very big ways and i feel like i can only carry this weight for so long. it's only logical that it will have to go now that the rest of me is catching up.
i hate what he did when i was 14. i never asked for that, didn't want it, didn't even know how. i even said no, like you're supposed to do in the movies. if i were on law & order svu, it would be easy for the jury to convict him, so the majority of the hour would be spent catching him. i have no idea who he is or how to catch him but i hate him for the impact he left on my life. i want to go back in time, hold my 14 year old self and tell her that looks had NOTHING to do with it. that he was a monster or confused and pathetic and i couldn't protect against it by adding layers. real monsters are expert at cutting those layers off, at cutting you down. all i did was make myself unrecognizable to even myself and prolong the process of finding out who it is i really am.
i'm starting to understand what my mind is really like. i hope i can work hard enough and love myself enough to discover what my body is really like - without the imprint of the pain.