post fast and all that jazz
alrighty... so i finished my fast a few days earlier than planned and in the middle of my 9th day, I broke it with some orange juice. The night before, I went out with Jason and some of his architecture buddies, which was kind of hard because I couldn't drink, but I honestly didn't really want a beer. It didn't sound good at all... the martini olives tempting me across the bar are another story, however. Needless to say, I knew I had to be done soon.
All in all, the fast was a success. Instead of writing a huge novel about it, I'll split it into tiny bullet points. I've been engaged in academic writing all day, so this way makes it seem less like I'm writing a paper... I'll try not to romanticize the whole thing because that can be annoying.
- The beginning really sucked... it was really hard for me to concentrate on anything and I couldn't really talk to anyone either. The communication level between me and jason was low, low, low. It's amazing how much food is incorporated into our social lives... The best way to describe the first 3 days or so is lonely. Lonely in a physical sense, but also in an emotional sense... luckily I had melly B who was also fasting for support. I guess it's kind of like being pregnant and knowing your other will never understand what you are going through.
- But it did get better. By day 4/5/6 I was soaring. My head cleared up and my energy level increased tremendously. The mornings were always the best for me, and I would find myself getting up at 5 in the morning just in a pure hurry to experience the new day. I loved getting up this early... I always used to look forward to sunrises at the o'leary house and ever since we moved out there nearly 2 years ago, I have not been a morning person at all. I'm glad this part of me was brought back in a sense... I hope I can continue to wake up this easily every morning.
- I gave a killer presentation in my women's resistance class on day 6. i don't know where it all came from, but once I got started, i kicked ass. i'm usually so insecure when it comes to expressing myself, but i was dead on.
- which kind of leads to the next point... this fast has really allowed to me to shed all the exterior bullshit and just Be. i typically "watch myself" in social situations... watching what I say, how I act, etc. And I unconsciously quit doing this during the fast. I can't explain it, I just let it go I guess. I never second-guessed myself and felt confident with every word leaving my mouth.... for those who know me well, know this had to have been very liberating for me. My insecurity typically has the ability to leave me in chains.
- Exterior bullshit also includes anger, depression and fight-picking. I don't think I'm a monster or anything, but I do sometimes allow myself to get caught up in trivial moments... taking words/actions more personally than I should and then full out dwelling on them. During the fast, all these little annoyances were just that. I spent a lot more time looking at the big picture, which is way more beautiful.
- And I feel like these things I learned will stay with me. I feel a new sense of inner peace and balance that I have not felt in a really long time. My energy level is comparable to what I had as a child (this says a lot for me...) I'm a lot more easily excited and find myself appreciating individual moments. Instead of being so apprehensive about what needs to be done and why it's not being done, I've been able to pay attention to what I am doing in any given moment.... which is SO incredible.
- It all feels really awesome, too because I moved in with spring... or so it feels like it. The weather has changed dramatically since I started the fast. It went from 20s/30s to 50s/60s.... We've been keeping all the windows open lately and the fresh air is soothing.
- I quit smoking!!! This is definitely one of the craziest outcomes of this fast for sure. I've been able to just sit outside and enjoy the sunshine and smells of spring without a cigarette, which is major for me. Cigarettes signified so much for me before... a break, an excuse for a break, an excuse to sit outside, a reason to get up in the morning (cigarette and coffee!), the trusty sidekick of alcohol, a conversation piece, etc., etc., etc., etc... It was kind of sad at first for me to give them up, as I have made them such a big part of my life for so long -- I know this sounds weird, but any smoker can attest to this feeling. But now, it's like, why did I do that for so long??? Very weird... I may have one here and there when we drink in the future, but my habit is kicked.
- Overall, I feel lighter and much less toxic. I articulate myself better, my thinking is faster, my skin is clearer, my back doesn't hurt anymore when I got to bed at night, and I've been craving more raw food.
- But I totally pigged out this weekend. Not supposed to do that, but I can't help it. i feel like I have this new appreciation for food.... the first thing I ate was an avocado and it was like the BEST thing I've ever eaten. I've been eating a lot slower and thinking about eating while I do it... rather than just taking it for granted. I made some excellent vegetable soup on friday evening and have been getting into that a few times a day. I've been eating a lot... and hoping I get back on a regular schedule soon. But luckily, the things I have been eating haven't been too terrible. Avocado, veggie soup, salads, and I have been horribly addicted to natural peanut butter the last 2 days -- it's always near me and I swear it's like half gone now, haha. I'm going to make vegetarian tacos tonight (first mexican dish in like 2 weeks!) and can't wait to start cooking again. I missed spending time in the kitchen.
- Last night was fun though. Jason and I got a 12-pack (bad, I know) and made a pizza in the oven. It was super fun to indulge, and later we took turns picking out songs and jumped on our bed, haha. i'm hungover today though and that sucks : (
- Up until the first beer I drank last night, the last 4 days or so I have felt totally crazy. high energy, motor mouth, loud, extroverted and probably sounding like a crackhead to the average stranger, haha. But it's fun... I feel like I unearthed an important facet of myself that has been slowly buried away over the last 12 years by ill feelings, insecurities and fear.
Bottom line: I would recommend the "master cleanser" to anyone. I will definitely be doing this a few times per year. I'm sure the next time will be easier, too, and so forth.... A lot of this recap sounds so cheesy, but you have to understand how hard it is to describe the feelings, emotions and everything else fasting brought with it. There is just no language for it...
today is another march 11.... which means so many things now. it's art's birthday (my step-dad), milo's birthday (2 year old kitty) and of course, the 2 year anniversary of kycey's death. it has gotten easier to deal with, but will always be a difficult time to remember. i don't want to say much more than that because i know there are no words to give any of it any justice...
language doesn't always influence ideas, foucault. there really are a lot of lonely signifieds.
All in all, the fast was a success. Instead of writing a huge novel about it, I'll split it into tiny bullet points. I've been engaged in academic writing all day, so this way makes it seem less like I'm writing a paper... I'll try not to romanticize the whole thing because that can be annoying.
- The beginning really sucked... it was really hard for me to concentrate on anything and I couldn't really talk to anyone either. The communication level between me and jason was low, low, low. It's amazing how much food is incorporated into our social lives... The best way to describe the first 3 days or so is lonely. Lonely in a physical sense, but also in an emotional sense... luckily I had melly B who was also fasting for support. I guess it's kind of like being pregnant and knowing your other will never understand what you are going through.
- But it did get better. By day 4/5/6 I was soaring. My head cleared up and my energy level increased tremendously. The mornings were always the best for me, and I would find myself getting up at 5 in the morning just in a pure hurry to experience the new day. I loved getting up this early... I always used to look forward to sunrises at the o'leary house and ever since we moved out there nearly 2 years ago, I have not been a morning person at all. I'm glad this part of me was brought back in a sense... I hope I can continue to wake up this easily every morning.
- I gave a killer presentation in my women's resistance class on day 6. i don't know where it all came from, but once I got started, i kicked ass. i'm usually so insecure when it comes to expressing myself, but i was dead on.
- which kind of leads to the next point... this fast has really allowed to me to shed all the exterior bullshit and just Be. i typically "watch myself" in social situations... watching what I say, how I act, etc. And I unconsciously quit doing this during the fast. I can't explain it, I just let it go I guess. I never second-guessed myself and felt confident with every word leaving my mouth.... for those who know me well, know this had to have been very liberating for me. My insecurity typically has the ability to leave me in chains.
- Exterior bullshit also includes anger, depression and fight-picking. I don't think I'm a monster or anything, but I do sometimes allow myself to get caught up in trivial moments... taking words/actions more personally than I should and then full out dwelling on them. During the fast, all these little annoyances were just that. I spent a lot more time looking at the big picture, which is way more beautiful.
- And I feel like these things I learned will stay with me. I feel a new sense of inner peace and balance that I have not felt in a really long time. My energy level is comparable to what I had as a child (this says a lot for me...) I'm a lot more easily excited and find myself appreciating individual moments. Instead of being so apprehensive about what needs to be done and why it's not being done, I've been able to pay attention to what I am doing in any given moment.... which is SO incredible.
- It all feels really awesome, too because I moved in with spring... or so it feels like it. The weather has changed dramatically since I started the fast. It went from 20s/30s to 50s/60s.... We've been keeping all the windows open lately and the fresh air is soothing.
- I quit smoking!!! This is definitely one of the craziest outcomes of this fast for sure. I've been able to just sit outside and enjoy the sunshine and smells of spring without a cigarette, which is major for me. Cigarettes signified so much for me before... a break, an excuse for a break, an excuse to sit outside, a reason to get up in the morning (cigarette and coffee!), the trusty sidekick of alcohol, a conversation piece, etc., etc., etc., etc... It was kind of sad at first for me to give them up, as I have made them such a big part of my life for so long -- I know this sounds weird, but any smoker can attest to this feeling. But now, it's like, why did I do that for so long??? Very weird... I may have one here and there when we drink in the future, but my habit is kicked.
- Overall, I feel lighter and much less toxic. I articulate myself better, my thinking is faster, my skin is clearer, my back doesn't hurt anymore when I got to bed at night, and I've been craving more raw food.
- But I totally pigged out this weekend. Not supposed to do that, but I can't help it. i feel like I have this new appreciation for food.... the first thing I ate was an avocado and it was like the BEST thing I've ever eaten. I've been eating a lot slower and thinking about eating while I do it... rather than just taking it for granted. I made some excellent vegetable soup on friday evening and have been getting into that a few times a day. I've been eating a lot... and hoping I get back on a regular schedule soon. But luckily, the things I have been eating haven't been too terrible. Avocado, veggie soup, salads, and I have been horribly addicted to natural peanut butter the last 2 days -- it's always near me and I swear it's like half gone now, haha. I'm going to make vegetarian tacos tonight (first mexican dish in like 2 weeks!) and can't wait to start cooking again. I missed spending time in the kitchen.
- Last night was fun though. Jason and I got a 12-pack (bad, I know) and made a pizza in the oven. It was super fun to indulge, and later we took turns picking out songs and jumped on our bed, haha. i'm hungover today though and that sucks : (
- Up until the first beer I drank last night, the last 4 days or so I have felt totally crazy. high energy, motor mouth, loud, extroverted and probably sounding like a crackhead to the average stranger, haha. But it's fun... I feel like I unearthed an important facet of myself that has been slowly buried away over the last 12 years by ill feelings, insecurities and fear.
Bottom line: I would recommend the "master cleanser" to anyone. I will definitely be doing this a few times per year. I'm sure the next time will be easier, too, and so forth.... A lot of this recap sounds so cheesy, but you have to understand how hard it is to describe the feelings, emotions and everything else fasting brought with it. There is just no language for it...
today is another march 11.... which means so many things now. it's art's birthday (my step-dad), milo's birthday (2 year old kitty) and of course, the 2 year anniversary of kycey's death. it has gotten easier to deal with, but will always be a difficult time to remember. i don't want to say much more than that because i know there are no words to give any of it any justice...
language doesn't always influence ideas, foucault. there really are a lot of lonely signifieds.