2012
So, this one isn't going to be as magical and wonderful and refreshing as last year's post.
Top 5 Reasons I am thoroughly glad 2012 is fucking OVER:
1. My [ex] boyfriend. Brandon turned out to be hung up on his miserable cunt of an ex from a couple years back, and he tried to rekindle their relationship behind my back. He broke up with me on the 4th of July in Vegas and left me in the hotel room after I flew out there to see him since he was there for the entire month of June for World Series of Poker. He told me that he wasn't in a "good head space to be in a relationship at that time". Well, it was brought to my attention that after many futile attempts on his behalf to get his ex back, and her blatantly ignoring him because she [still] has no interest in having a real relationship with him (he was just her side fuck while she was in a "committed" relationship with someone else), THEN he told me "We'll see what happens" with "us" and to just give him a little "space and time". We moved into separate apartments, only but 3 blocks away from each other, in Lakeview and I beat my head against a brick wall like a moron to try to make things work with him. I have been extremely patient, understanding, owned up to the mistakes I made, and tried my best to show him just how good we could be. I know, I know, I shouldn't have wasted my time, but what can I say, I love him despite it all. From what I know now and have observed, the problem is that that pseudo ex, as well as a string of other psychopaths, have screwed him up emotionally so badly that now he has this fortress surrounding him and won't let anyone in. He claims he's tried to get over cunt face and tried to love me the way I [foolishly] unabashedly love him, but, he just can't. So, after the last 6 months of wasted effort and emotional roller coasters leaving me completely crushed like a pack of Lucky's, I waved the white flag of surrender. I've been repeatedly told and have told others that one should never bleed him or herself dry for someone to see that they have an amazing love right in front of them, especially if they're unwilling to accept it. If my history has taught me anything, he'll kick himself later. Perhaps he'll try to apologize and right wrongs, but he is a fairly proud person and hasn't even admitted the wrongs he has done as being wrong. Regardless, I know what I'm worth, I know what I deserve, and I will not accept anything less than that. I miss him terribly; the way I feel just being with him, the spark he ignites in me, the overwhelming sense of that man deep inside the fortress that's covered in poisonous thorns and protected by a selfish and hurtful monster, being absolutely right for me. I don't think I have the emotional strength or energy to keep trying to get in. Nothing is worse than to deeply love someone that won't accept nor return it.
2. My health. Ha. Can I just leave it at that? Thus far it's not something that I've shared with anyone in depth aside from my doctor(s) and posting details in public forum on the internet, regardless of the fact that I know no one reads this anymore, is less than appealing to me. Just know, every time I think I'm out of the woods something stupid decides to drag me back in.
3. My job. I've jumped through all the hoops, pranced in the dog and pony shows, talked the talk and walked the walk. I was told I'm being groomed for success and as soon as I applied for the assistant manager position in the restaurant that I was pretty much guaranteed I would get, I didn't get it. In fact, I wasn't even considered. Who was the one doing the considering? Some asshole from the New York property that has never even had a conversation with me about the weather, let alone my goals within the company, and wouldn't anyway because he doesn't fucking care. He wants to be a general manager of a property so this position is just a waiting room. He'll kick out 2 years here, then leave, just like the rest. Talk about frustrating. I'm trying to figure out what my next step will be for this year and am not even using him as a spring board. I'm going straight to human resources. Fuck it.
4. My family. My dad, specifically. He had 3 heart attacks in March, and then developed a terrible infection while he was hospitalized, and then was diagnosed with cancer in August. He's doing okay right now, but I know I will totally lose it if I lose him. I'm such a daddy's girl and watching him have to deal with the obstacles he's overcome this year have been emotionally jolting, to say in the least. I pray for him all the time that he will just be all right. On the plus side of this tid bit, he has lost 30+ pounds (in healthy ways), has been managing his blood sugar, regulates his diet and exercise, and doesn't need to take as much medication as he once did because he's been being good. SO proud of him.
5. Traveling. I went to Boston with Brandon in April to visit my nieces for their birthdays and it was awesome. We stayed at the Four Seasons downtown, ate at some nice restaurants, did some shopping, and site seeing. Then went to Cape Cod to stay with Crystal, then to Fairhaven, then Brandon went to NYC and I went back to Chicago. When Brandon returned in May, we went to Ann Arbor/Detroit/Toledo for a week to see my friends for my birthday. While there Kevin touched up some tattoos, Brandon really hit it off with M (as if that's difficult), and we had a great time I thought, until the ride home. That is when I had the first really negative notion that something was going on that he wasn't telling (which is almost exactly a month after he started trying to contact cunt face). Then I went to Vegas with Roxy in July as aforementioned above. No other travels because after Vegas I had to spend all my money to move. Again.
Top Reasons I'm looking forward to 2013
1. I live alone in a really great apartment back in my beloved Lakeview. I could see where a lot of people would be like, "Oh man, this sucks because it is lonely and depressing." and I will admit that the first month I lived here I basically wanted to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. BUT! I shook the funk and I must say, it is totally awesome. I do what I want, when I want, how I want, I have ALL the fun, and only with people that want to have fun, too. No more staying home with a wet blanket that pouts and thinks that being around basically anyone but himself is totally draining.
2. I am going to continue to do the song and dance for the hotel and keep my eyes peeled to pounce on any good opportunity that I can. And if by June I haven't moved up to better position (my 2 year mark of employment there) then I will actively seek out other properties or even other hotel brands.
3. Creative outlets! I am exercising them! Photography, painting, drawing, writing, and I plan on taking a ceramics class this spring. Back to my familiar and fun stress reliefs. Also, I've been doing yoga again, am going to start doing pilates again, and am taking some dance lessons that I'm VERY excited about. Cha cha cha.
4. After all the crazy things that have happened with my dad's health, and after being isolated away from my friends in shitty Chinatown for a year, I am making a better effort to be with my friends and family. They make up large parts of who I am at heart so it is imperative to me that this be a thing. Unfortunately, this also means more trips to Joliet. Bleh. Fortunately, this also means more trips to other parts of the country, which brings me to my next point...
5. I'm going to buy a car so I can travel more, as well as see my friends and family more. Also, I already have plans to go to San Diego and Los Angeles. Go go go!
We'll see how this goes. Maybe I'll make an entry in a few months to see how I've fared.
Until next time...
Top 5 Reasons I am thoroughly glad 2012 is fucking OVER:
1. My [ex] boyfriend. Brandon turned out to be hung up on his miserable cunt of an ex from a couple years back, and he tried to rekindle their relationship behind my back. He broke up with me on the 4th of July in Vegas and left me in the hotel room after I flew out there to see him since he was there for the entire month of June for World Series of Poker. He told me that he wasn't in a "good head space to be in a relationship at that time". Well, it was brought to my attention that after many futile attempts on his behalf to get his ex back, and her blatantly ignoring him because she [still] has no interest in having a real relationship with him (he was just her side fuck while she was in a "committed" relationship with someone else), THEN he told me "We'll see what happens" with "us" and to just give him a little "space and time". We moved into separate apartments, only but 3 blocks away from each other, in Lakeview and I beat my head against a brick wall like a moron to try to make things work with him. I have been extremely patient, understanding, owned up to the mistakes I made, and tried my best to show him just how good we could be. I know, I know, I shouldn't have wasted my time, but what can I say, I love him despite it all. From what I know now and have observed, the problem is that that pseudo ex, as well as a string of other psychopaths, have screwed him up emotionally so badly that now he has this fortress surrounding him and won't let anyone in. He claims he's tried to get over cunt face and tried to love me the way I [foolishly] unabashedly love him, but, he just can't. So, after the last 6 months of wasted effort and emotional roller coasters leaving me completely crushed like a pack of Lucky's, I waved the white flag of surrender. I've been repeatedly told and have told others that one should never bleed him or herself dry for someone to see that they have an amazing love right in front of them, especially if they're unwilling to accept it. If my history has taught me anything, he'll kick himself later. Perhaps he'll try to apologize and right wrongs, but he is a fairly proud person and hasn't even admitted the wrongs he has done as being wrong. Regardless, I know what I'm worth, I know what I deserve, and I will not accept anything less than that. I miss him terribly; the way I feel just being with him, the spark he ignites in me, the overwhelming sense of that man deep inside the fortress that's covered in poisonous thorns and protected by a selfish and hurtful monster, being absolutely right for me. I don't think I have the emotional strength or energy to keep trying to get in. Nothing is worse than to deeply love someone that won't accept nor return it.
2. My health. Ha. Can I just leave it at that? Thus far it's not something that I've shared with anyone in depth aside from my doctor(s) and posting details in public forum on the internet, regardless of the fact that I know no one reads this anymore, is less than appealing to me. Just know, every time I think I'm out of the woods something stupid decides to drag me back in.
3. My job. I've jumped through all the hoops, pranced in the dog and pony shows, talked the talk and walked the walk. I was told I'm being groomed for success and as soon as I applied for the assistant manager position in the restaurant that I was pretty much guaranteed I would get, I didn't get it. In fact, I wasn't even considered. Who was the one doing the considering? Some asshole from the New York property that has never even had a conversation with me about the weather, let alone my goals within the company, and wouldn't anyway because he doesn't fucking care. He wants to be a general manager of a property so this position is just a waiting room. He'll kick out 2 years here, then leave, just like the rest. Talk about frustrating. I'm trying to figure out what my next step will be for this year and am not even using him as a spring board. I'm going straight to human resources. Fuck it.
4. My family. My dad, specifically. He had 3 heart attacks in March, and then developed a terrible infection while he was hospitalized, and then was diagnosed with cancer in August. He's doing okay right now, but I know I will totally lose it if I lose him. I'm such a daddy's girl and watching him have to deal with the obstacles he's overcome this year have been emotionally jolting, to say in the least. I pray for him all the time that he will just be all right. On the plus side of this tid bit, he has lost 30+ pounds (in healthy ways), has been managing his blood sugar, regulates his diet and exercise, and doesn't need to take as much medication as he once did because he's been being good. SO proud of him.
5. Traveling. I went to Boston with Brandon in April to visit my nieces for their birthdays and it was awesome. We stayed at the Four Seasons downtown, ate at some nice restaurants, did some shopping, and site seeing. Then went to Cape Cod to stay with Crystal, then to Fairhaven, then Brandon went to NYC and I went back to Chicago. When Brandon returned in May, we went to Ann Arbor/Detroit/Toledo for a week to see my friends for my birthday. While there Kevin touched up some tattoos, Brandon really hit it off with M (as if that's difficult), and we had a great time I thought, until the ride home. That is when I had the first really negative notion that something was going on that he wasn't telling (which is almost exactly a month after he started trying to contact cunt face). Then I went to Vegas with Roxy in July as aforementioned above. No other travels because after Vegas I had to spend all my money to move. Again.
Top Reasons I'm looking forward to 2013
1. I live alone in a really great apartment back in my beloved Lakeview. I could see where a lot of people would be like, "Oh man, this sucks because it is lonely and depressing." and I will admit that the first month I lived here I basically wanted to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. BUT! I shook the funk and I must say, it is totally awesome. I do what I want, when I want, how I want, I have ALL the fun, and only with people that want to have fun, too. No more staying home with a wet blanket that pouts and thinks that being around basically anyone but himself is totally draining.
2. I am going to continue to do the song and dance for the hotel and keep my eyes peeled to pounce on any good opportunity that I can. And if by June I haven't moved up to better position (my 2 year mark of employment there) then I will actively seek out other properties or even other hotel brands.
3. Creative outlets! I am exercising them! Photography, painting, drawing, writing, and I plan on taking a ceramics class this spring. Back to my familiar and fun stress reliefs. Also, I've been doing yoga again, am going to start doing pilates again, and am taking some dance lessons that I'm VERY excited about. Cha cha cha.
4. After all the crazy things that have happened with my dad's health, and after being isolated away from my friends in shitty Chinatown for a year, I am making a better effort to be with my friends and family. They make up large parts of who I am at heart so it is imperative to me that this be a thing. Unfortunately, this also means more trips to Joliet. Bleh. Fortunately, this also means more trips to other parts of the country, which brings me to my next point...
5. I'm going to buy a car so I can travel more, as well as see my friends and family more. Also, I already have plans to go to San Diego and Los Angeles. Go go go!
We'll see how this goes. Maybe I'll make an entry in a few months to see how I've fared.
Until next time...