2011
I know, I said good bye to this journal last year, but what can I say, I'm no good at goodbyes.
This year has been as equally difficult and trying as it has been amazing and exciting.
I basically gave up on everything I didn't have going for me and almost everyone that I had held very close to me for a long time. Honestly, it was a long time coming, too. Most of these severed ties can be summed up to baggage that I didn't know how to let go of because I didn't know my life without them. After feeling pretty miserable for what felt like an eternity I made an impulsive decision to say, "Fuck this!" and turned everything upside down in basically a weekend.
March 13th, the day after an early morning screaming match that seemed to never end, I moved my things out of Nick's apartment while he was at work and waited for him to come home so that I could tell him I would no longer allow myself to be in that relationship with him. Not only were our needs not being met by each other and in goals for ourselves separately, but we were also unhappy and making each other miserable due to unintended selfishness and a laundry list of other terrible behavior we were both guilty of. He really hated me for this and boy did he let me know it - for months. The indescribable hurt that both of us felt after my decision ALMOST sent us back into each others' arms. We were flirting with disaster all over again but after 6 years of that same tug of war, on and off, back and forth, you want this, I want that, little to no common grounds, I knew in my heart that it was right and I stuck to my guns. It hit me pretty hard. He was my first friend in Chicago and we did a ton of stuff together here so it felt like everywhere I went in this fucking city held a memory with him attached. He was my first real love where it wasn't some juvenile infatuation or unrequited. He really loved me and I really loved him. He knew me in ways I hadn't previously known myself, and vice versa. Letting go of something that powerful is fucking terrifying. But the bottom line was that now we were just making each other miserable because we wanted different things and I love him so much that I knew I had to let him go so that he and I both could find some real happiness.
That same week, I had told Ben to fuck off for good. I really hope that next year when I read this entry "for good" is still "for good". This guy has an uncanny habit of weaseling his way back into my life over and over and over. And every time, I know what the outcome is going to be: a plethora of good intentioned promises and "some day" dreams that will never be kept or achieved but it all sounds so wonderful and lovely that I listen, and keep listening, even though I know I need to turn my ears off and just say NO. Well. Catching a person in multiple lies, multiple times, and always getting the same outcome regardless of multiple tries can really turn a loving, supportive, happy person into a completely bitter ice queen of a bitch. At this point in my life, I don't recall any one person making me quite as pissed off as Ben Mazei. And the fact that after we had a pretty ugly and hurtful break up a few years ago and I still answered his occasional email or text made me hate myself. Especially when Nick found one of those emails and it made him think there was more to it than it actually was. I realized that my shitty secretive behavior was hurtful and dishonest and I never wanted to do that to another person again. Anyway, I'm done. I mean it!!!!
I had also decided that one of my best friends for the last 16 years was acting like a total asshole to me for pretty selfish reasons and although I love him through and through, I felt it best for me to tell him to fuck off (for a while). This really hurt me. We have been great friends to one another but over the last couple of years I felt like he had been giving me the back burner treatment. It grew to a point where it was fucking infuriating. So, I told him how I felt, and I told him to fuck himself (note: we have since worked it out and are friends again. For the better, I hope)
This all happened in the same week. I spent about 2 weeks after mostly in my bed, feeling totally sorry for myself, guilty for hurting Nick, pissed off at Ben, pissed off at Rob, hating my crappy job as a bartender making shit tips at what seemed like one of the douchiest bars in Chicago, loathing that in order to get back on my feet I had to share a 1 bedroom apartment the size of a large walk in closet with a friend that knew I should never ever be roommates with again, and I was also dealing with a lot of other emotional bile swimming around in my stomach. Things I had kept deep down inside for years but now it all wanted to come out.
So, after contemplating stepping in front of a CTA train a few times because I was so unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life I called my mom and bawled like a baby to her for a few hours. Her solution was to pray. At first it made me SO incredibly mad because I wanted a real answer. I wanted a, "Honey, I know this is difficult, but you should try this. And if that doesn't work, try that. I'm sorry you're hurting, I love you, but things will get better!" Prayer is not the "this" or "that" I was hoping for from her. I guess I shouldn't have expected more, though. I spent most of my youth pissed off at God and not understanding why bad things happen to innocent people. However, after shortly cutting my mother off and laying in bed crying for a little while longer I decided to give it a shot. In that prayer, I asked for guidance. I asked to find the right job, in the right industry, where I could learn, move forward, and feel good about myself contributing some of my lost skills to a good company. I asked for the right man to come into my life. One that I can honestly love without looking in any other direction and that will honestly love me in return. That will be a blessing to me, and I to him. I asked for help to deal with this emotional vomit that was inevitably coming up. Courage to just let it out and the strength to deal with it, as I had never been able to previously.
Days later I was at a bar with my roommate and talking to her about wanting to find a new job when this guy pipes in that he works at a prestigious hotel downtown and they're hiring servers. I go in and apply, along with some other 4 and 5 star hotels downtown, and guess who got a call back? ME! I even got the job! And since? I've been making more money than I have in years, I quit Lion's Head like a bad habit, and embraced everything there is about my current company. I don't want to stay a server, but I used my experience to get my foot in the door and there is more than enough room for growth with this company. I'm taking great strides to continue to work my way up and hopefully it continues to all turn out right.
About a week after that call with my mom and my cry out to The Universe/God/The Flying Spaghetti Monster (whatever), my mom gave me the contact information of a therapist that although I avoided like the plague at first I'm now talking to pretty regularly and trying to sort all this stuff out. When I'm not being stubborn and avoiding sessions, going and talking really helps me. But my initiation is less than forthright and follow through is somewhat worse because there's a reason I've avoided it all for this long: it hurts, and I'm scared. All in all though, I'm doing the best that I can and that's all that I can do.
3 weeks after that night, I met Brandon somuch4gluttony (I know, someone else in the world actually has a livejournal! He doesn't use it much except for a dietary log, though hehe). This guy. Le Sigh. This guy has been a huge breath of fresh air from every other guy I've even MET thus far in my life. It's only been 7 months, but I know that I never want to even look at another man again. The things he has brought out in me, the encouragement, support, love, and genuine understanding that he provides, it's all really awesome, really positive, really amazing stuff. Plus, he is a total babe and the sex is superb. Sometimes I get nervous and scared because of all these trust issues I've developed over the years, but when I shut out those nerves, and I see him looking at me, nothing else matters. I love him like I've never loved anyone before. Last night that handsome devil came into my work in the middle of a black tie NYE party, and kissed me so hard at midnight I literally felt myself floating. When I came home we held each other until the sun came up and between making out and having [great] sex, we had a really good talk that helped me feel a little more at ease. This girl is smitten.
I would say the only thing that I've done that I feel very unsure of is moving into a very expensive loft in a very secluded part of the city with a guy that I haven't been seeing very long and that has never lived with a girlfriend before. I hope that we can make the best of this situation that we've found ourselves in and just remember to continue to love each other and be good to one another. And, when this lease is up, get us the fuck BACK to Lakeview!
Health? Still up in the air. We all know I avoid that. I'm trying to focus on getting my life in order and feeling good about my future, not totally bummed out by continuous bad news after a million tests that are just plain awful.
Travel?
In late March (after my week long cry sesh/talk with mom/prayer) I drove from Chicago to LA with Cassie in Shawna's car because Shawna was pregnant and couldn't drive it to her (once again) new home out west. It was an element of a later huge fight between Shawna and I, but the trip brought Cassie and I much closer together and seriously, Cassie is, in this city, the only friend I really feel like I can count on for anything. This trip also helped me to figure out a TON about myself and why I do the things I do. Time in my own head was so necessary.
I also went to Detroit, duh. April, of course. I visited M and Cody, Kristine, Kevin, and Jess. Again, amazing people that I'm so happy to have in my life. I also made out with a random dude at a club in Royal Oak after buying really slutty shoes that I have named Sooki. Fun times!
In May I went to Atlanta and had a blast with my original LJ bestie, Beth livinlovinmaid / howvicious (both are now inactive). AND! This never happens! But we hung out twice in one year! After 4 years of not seeing each other at all, I went to Atlanta and then she came to Chicago in November. Awesome! I hosted a Thanksgiving dinner with some friends, we all cooked together, we all laughed at Shelly passed out on the couch after too much food, and I was so happy to share the new things in my life making me happy with a girl that is the fucking shit. Beth is one of the only people that gets me inside and out and I am truly thankful for her friendship.
My family seems to be doing okay. Sometimes I feel guilty about not being around enough but then my sister reassures me that the things I busy myself with are just as important and to not belittle the level of my self's priorties. Missing the holidays with them this year killed me, though.
Maceo is huge and He loves Brandon, too. I think this is all that matters?
Until next next year...
This year has been as equally difficult and trying as it has been amazing and exciting.
I basically gave up on everything I didn't have going for me and almost everyone that I had held very close to me for a long time. Honestly, it was a long time coming, too. Most of these severed ties can be summed up to baggage that I didn't know how to let go of because I didn't know my life without them. After feeling pretty miserable for what felt like an eternity I made an impulsive decision to say, "Fuck this!" and turned everything upside down in basically a weekend.
March 13th, the day after an early morning screaming match that seemed to never end, I moved my things out of Nick's apartment while he was at work and waited for him to come home so that I could tell him I would no longer allow myself to be in that relationship with him. Not only were our needs not being met by each other and in goals for ourselves separately, but we were also unhappy and making each other miserable due to unintended selfishness and a laundry list of other terrible behavior we were both guilty of. He really hated me for this and boy did he let me know it - for months. The indescribable hurt that both of us felt after my decision ALMOST sent us back into each others' arms. We were flirting with disaster all over again but after 6 years of that same tug of war, on and off, back and forth, you want this, I want that, little to no common grounds, I knew in my heart that it was right and I stuck to my guns. It hit me pretty hard. He was my first friend in Chicago and we did a ton of stuff together here so it felt like everywhere I went in this fucking city held a memory with him attached. He was my first real love where it wasn't some juvenile infatuation or unrequited. He really loved me and I really loved him. He knew me in ways I hadn't previously known myself, and vice versa. Letting go of something that powerful is fucking terrifying. But the bottom line was that now we were just making each other miserable because we wanted different things and I love him so much that I knew I had to let him go so that he and I both could find some real happiness.
That same week, I had told Ben to fuck off for good. I really hope that next year when I read this entry "for good" is still "for good". This guy has an uncanny habit of weaseling his way back into my life over and over and over. And every time, I know what the outcome is going to be: a plethora of good intentioned promises and "some day" dreams that will never be kept or achieved but it all sounds so wonderful and lovely that I listen, and keep listening, even though I know I need to turn my ears off and just say NO. Well. Catching a person in multiple lies, multiple times, and always getting the same outcome regardless of multiple tries can really turn a loving, supportive, happy person into a completely bitter ice queen of a bitch. At this point in my life, I don't recall any one person making me quite as pissed off as Ben Mazei. And the fact that after we had a pretty ugly and hurtful break up a few years ago and I still answered his occasional email or text made me hate myself. Especially when Nick found one of those emails and it made him think there was more to it than it actually was. I realized that my shitty secretive behavior was hurtful and dishonest and I never wanted to do that to another person again. Anyway, I'm done. I mean it!!!!
I had also decided that one of my best friends for the last 16 years was acting like a total asshole to me for pretty selfish reasons and although I love him through and through, I felt it best for me to tell him to fuck off (for a while). This really hurt me. We have been great friends to one another but over the last couple of years I felt like he had been giving me the back burner treatment. It grew to a point where it was fucking infuriating. So, I told him how I felt, and I told him to fuck himself (note: we have since worked it out and are friends again. For the better, I hope)
This all happened in the same week. I spent about 2 weeks after mostly in my bed, feeling totally sorry for myself, guilty for hurting Nick, pissed off at Ben, pissed off at Rob, hating my crappy job as a bartender making shit tips at what seemed like one of the douchiest bars in Chicago, loathing that in order to get back on my feet I had to share a 1 bedroom apartment the size of a large walk in closet with a friend that knew I should never ever be roommates with again, and I was also dealing with a lot of other emotional bile swimming around in my stomach. Things I had kept deep down inside for years but now it all wanted to come out.
So, after contemplating stepping in front of a CTA train a few times because I was so unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life I called my mom and bawled like a baby to her for a few hours. Her solution was to pray. At first it made me SO incredibly mad because I wanted a real answer. I wanted a, "Honey, I know this is difficult, but you should try this. And if that doesn't work, try that. I'm sorry you're hurting, I love you, but things will get better!" Prayer is not the "this" or "that" I was hoping for from her. I guess I shouldn't have expected more, though. I spent most of my youth pissed off at God and not understanding why bad things happen to innocent people. However, after shortly cutting my mother off and laying in bed crying for a little while longer I decided to give it a shot. In that prayer, I asked for guidance. I asked to find the right job, in the right industry, where I could learn, move forward, and feel good about myself contributing some of my lost skills to a good company. I asked for the right man to come into my life. One that I can honestly love without looking in any other direction and that will honestly love me in return. That will be a blessing to me, and I to him. I asked for help to deal with this emotional vomit that was inevitably coming up. Courage to just let it out and the strength to deal with it, as I had never been able to previously.
Days later I was at a bar with my roommate and talking to her about wanting to find a new job when this guy pipes in that he works at a prestigious hotel downtown and they're hiring servers. I go in and apply, along with some other 4 and 5 star hotels downtown, and guess who got a call back? ME! I even got the job! And since? I've been making more money than I have in years, I quit Lion's Head like a bad habit, and embraced everything there is about my current company. I don't want to stay a server, but I used my experience to get my foot in the door and there is more than enough room for growth with this company. I'm taking great strides to continue to work my way up and hopefully it continues to all turn out right.
About a week after that call with my mom and my cry out to The Universe/God/The Flying Spaghetti Monster (whatever), my mom gave me the contact information of a therapist that although I avoided like the plague at first I'm now talking to pretty regularly and trying to sort all this stuff out. When I'm not being stubborn and avoiding sessions, going and talking really helps me. But my initiation is less than forthright and follow through is somewhat worse because there's a reason I've avoided it all for this long: it hurts, and I'm scared. All in all though, I'm doing the best that I can and that's all that I can do.
3 weeks after that night, I met Brandon somuch4gluttony (I know, someone else in the world actually has a livejournal! He doesn't use it much except for a dietary log, though hehe). This guy. Le Sigh. This guy has been a huge breath of fresh air from every other guy I've even MET thus far in my life. It's only been 7 months, but I know that I never want to even look at another man again. The things he has brought out in me, the encouragement, support, love, and genuine understanding that he provides, it's all really awesome, really positive, really amazing stuff. Plus, he is a total babe and the sex is superb. Sometimes I get nervous and scared because of all these trust issues I've developed over the years, but when I shut out those nerves, and I see him looking at me, nothing else matters. I love him like I've never loved anyone before. Last night that handsome devil came into my work in the middle of a black tie NYE party, and kissed me so hard at midnight I literally felt myself floating. When I came home we held each other until the sun came up and between making out and having [great] sex, we had a really good talk that helped me feel a little more at ease. This girl is smitten.
I would say the only thing that I've done that I feel very unsure of is moving into a very expensive loft in a very secluded part of the city with a guy that I haven't been seeing very long and that has never lived with a girlfriend before. I hope that we can make the best of this situation that we've found ourselves in and just remember to continue to love each other and be good to one another. And, when this lease is up, get us the fuck BACK to Lakeview!
Health? Still up in the air. We all know I avoid that. I'm trying to focus on getting my life in order and feeling good about my future, not totally bummed out by continuous bad news after a million tests that are just plain awful.
Travel?
In late March (after my week long cry sesh/talk with mom/prayer) I drove from Chicago to LA with Cassie in Shawna's car because Shawna was pregnant and couldn't drive it to her (once again) new home out west. It was an element of a later huge fight between Shawna and I, but the trip brought Cassie and I much closer together and seriously, Cassie is, in this city, the only friend I really feel like I can count on for anything. This trip also helped me to figure out a TON about myself and why I do the things I do. Time in my own head was so necessary.
I also went to Detroit, duh. April, of course. I visited M and Cody, Kristine, Kevin, and Jess. Again, amazing people that I'm so happy to have in my life. I also made out with a random dude at a club in Royal Oak after buying really slutty shoes that I have named Sooki. Fun times!
In May I went to Atlanta and had a blast with my original LJ bestie, Beth livinlovinmaid / howvicious (both are now inactive). AND! This never happens! But we hung out twice in one year! After 4 years of not seeing each other at all, I went to Atlanta and then she came to Chicago in November. Awesome! I hosted a Thanksgiving dinner with some friends, we all cooked together, we all laughed at Shelly passed out on the couch after too much food, and I was so happy to share the new things in my life making me happy with a girl that is the fucking shit. Beth is one of the only people that gets me inside and out and I am truly thankful for her friendship.
My family seems to be doing okay. Sometimes I feel guilty about not being around enough but then my sister reassures me that the things I busy myself with are just as important and to not belittle the level of my self's priorties. Missing the holidays with them this year killed me, though.
Maceo is huge and He loves Brandon, too. I think this is all that matters?
Until next next year...