No Ordinary Love, Part 3, chapter 219
219
While Kat was tattooing Sweetie and they lively chatted about interesting tattoos Kat had recently did, Ari sat next to her mother and breathlessly stared at Kat’s working.
“It’s fascinating how the sound of tattoo machine isn’t scaring her off,” Nikki commented interrupting the silence we boys have so pleasantly shared.
“She loves all the weird sounds,” I said. “Vacuum cleaner, she’s like hypnotized with that. The hair dryer. I think we’re the only hosehold that uses hair dryer for entertaining purposes only.”
Nikki chuckled.
“Seriously, none of us uses for its real purpose. We get it out of the drawer just to make Ari happy,” I explained. “Lately when if she catches someone going to do washing she rushes over, grabs you for the leg and you go like that, carrying her as she clings to you. There she has her little chair, she sits and watches how machine washes the clothes. She sits like a mummy during the entire cycle. She just oozes out.”
“My kids were going mental on the slightest noise of any of the appliances,” Nikki commented going all melancholic. “Of course, back in day I was too oblivious to properly witness it. I’m kind off pissed off with myself that I missed all those things,” he glanced at me and I nodded. “I spent a good part of my life, thinking how rockers who make break in their career to be around their kids when they’re little are wankers,” he grinned kind of stupidly. “If I’d see all this back then I’d probably call you a poser. I’d probably even go that far to insult your wife and say how she holds you for your balls.”
“That’s not so far from the truth,” I added.
“You know what I meant,” he nudged me with his elbow.
“Yeah, but you’re right bot literally and figuratively speaking, that’s all.”
He shook his head, not really falling for my words. “Seriouslly, you’re a smart guy. This time you get with them is something that no one should ever miss. It’s the only time they really need you,” he spoke with obvious regret in his voice. “This is the time when you can really bond with them, care for them and that’ll stay with them for the rest of their lives. I missed all that,” he sighed. “Now, no matter how hard I try or what I do, there’s always something that’s missing.”
“Are you close with them?” I asked for I wasn’t quite sure what to make out from his words and tone.
“Yeah in a way,” he nodded eyes still locked on Ari. “I mean we see each other as much as we can, spend time together, talk but… there are moments when it’s clear to all of us that I’m not a true father to them. I’m actually lucky that they let me get back in their lives after everything. But, it’s just when you look your kid in the eyes, he talks to you about something important to him. And he’s getting more and more excited as he talks. He comes to the point when he says something and stops himself in the middle of the line like “you know how I always loved…” or “I fell and got that…” and he just bows his head feeling bad he’s reminding me of my own fucked up past. I have no idea how my kids got their scars, I have no remembrance of what they were scared of. I only know things they told me or their mother was kind enough to fill me in. And I can’t even pretend that I remember any of it,” he sighed then looked me in the eyes. “You’re lucky you’ll never have to feel any of it,” he smiled. “I’d say you should appreciate it but I’m sure it would be like telling an Escimo how to suvive the winter, right?”
I just nodded and smiled then saw Kai coming in.
“Hey, you’re getting a tattoo,” he grinned at his mother.
“Actually we’re done,” Kat said rinsing and cleaning it. “Recognize it?” she asked him.
“It’s Ari’s isn’t it?” he asked as he glanced at his sister who was expectantly waiting for the buzzing to start again.
“You have a good eye,” Kat teased him. “Well, of all girls I should know best, right?” she winked at him but he didn’t understand. However, Sweetie and I did. “Aww, you don’t remember it do you?”
He pursed his lips and shook his head.
“You have no idea what I’m talking about?” Kat’s chuckles turned into giggling.
“What?” he asked little irritated that something was making his parents and Kat laugh and he knew it involved him but he couldn’t remember. “It would be really peachy if I could fun like you, guys,” he said sarcastically.
“I should be offended but since you’re so god damn cute you’re forgiven,” Kat winked at him as she took off her gloves.
“Will someone please tell me what had I done?” Kai snorted.
“I was the first girl you kissed, dude,” Kat said giggling and Kai made are-you-joking-me face. “You were what, like three?” Kat asked glancing at me over her shoulder.
“Nearly, yeah,” I confirmed.
“I was really flattered you know,” Kat teased him.
“What exactly do you mean by kiss?” Kai asked.
“Well, I’m certainly not talking about you kissing me on my cheek,” Kat said.
“No way,” he giggled.
“Yeah, dude, ask the witnesses,” Kat said showing with her head towards Sweetie and me.
“Mom?”
“Yeah, I saw it,” Sweetie giggled then she told him all about it.
“Nikki, that was just a one night stand, no hard feelings huh?” Kai playfully said to Nikki.
“No hard feelings, man,” Nikki assured him in the same playful manner.
“Cool,” Kai nodded. “Now I can make a song “I kissed Kat von D and she liked it”,” Kai sang mocking Kat Perry.
“That would be totally rad, dude,” Kat agreed.
“And her boyfriend Nikki don’t mind it,” Kai continued as I laughed my arse off. “Man, this is great,” he chuckled then rushed to the guitar and picked it up and began playing the chorus but in his more hard core version and sang:
“I kissed Kat Von D and she liked it,
her boyfriend Nikki don’t mind it,
I kissed Kat Von D, I was only three,
I’m sure she’ll never forget me.”
“Dude, you should totally do that song,” Kat said.
“Oh, yeah?” he asked her grinning.
“Totally, if you’d do that it’d so be my favourite,” Kat assured him. “Seriouslly.”
“When’s your birthday?” Kai asked still keeping his grin.
“It’s been in March, I can’t wait a whole year,” Kat whined.
“How are you staying here?” he repeatedly raised his eyebrows.
“If you go on like that, there will be hard feeling bro,” Nikki said to Kai.
“What?’ Kai chuckled glancing at Nikki. “Can’t stand a little competition, you old man?”
“You’re fucking unbelievable,” Nikki shook his head laughing.
“He’s his father’s son,” Kat teased.
“Nah, I’m better,” Kai said with little self-indulged smirk and we all laughed.
“First VD at thirteen,” Sweetie said to me.
“That’s too late,” I shook my head giggling. “Ten?”
“Agreed,” she nodded seriously.
“If I do this song for you will you do a tattoo for me?” Kai strike back conversation with Kat.
“Yeah as soon as you’re legal or your cool parents let you,” she returned.
“First cigarette at nine?” Sweetie continued our little game of bets.
“At best,” I nodded “First drink next year?”
She agreed.
“You two are seriously going mental,” Nikki commented as he realized what Sweetie and I were doing.
“It’s called weighting out our prosepects,” I said to him. “Still think we’re lucky?” I sarcastically asked and Nikki chuckled.
“This is just too weird even for me,” he pointed out.
I could understand that. Especially since Nikki seemed to have change his life drastically. It was very low profile and calmed life than one he was leading before. It seemed there was something more. He was unsually quiet.
When the girl left us I suggested we go outside and make that bonfire in the back yard. Nikki agreed adding that it would be nice to make some further use of the fire, meaning we could have a barbeque.
“Fish and chicken are only kinds of meat we have,” I said making an apologetic face.
“Healthy life style, huh?”
“We’re kind of vegetarians,” I shrugged. “That’s mostly for kids. We buy red meat only when we know we’re having guests.”
“Fish’s fine with me,” he assured me.
Then I told him how I’ll make him some salmon that Kai loves.
“It’s perfectly understandable you’re ganging up on me,” he joked referring to Kat-Kai-Nikki triangle so I chuckled. Then Nikki suddenly went silent as he put the last branch on a big pile and watched me set it on fire. He walked over and sat in a wooden chair and stared at the flames. The silence was strange. And not because there was any tension between us.
“You and Kat are really good friends, right?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “She’s great gal.”
“She is, isn’t she?” he nodded with a little sad smile. “She plays strong but she’s fragile, right?”
“Well, she breaks easily but she’s a surviver,” I commented. I didn’t really see Kat as exclusively this or that. More like a delicate mix of extremes. And someone with mood swings. Lots of them. But not in a bad sense. In essence she was just one big people pleaser.
“She always gives too much not realizing it actually burns her,” he kind of concluded. “I love her you know,” he added. “I mean how can you not love her.”
He paused and I kept silent. This was a confession of a man deeplu in love with a woman but it didn’t look good. I know that Nikki and Kat had that on and off kind of relationship. I knew Kat loves him a lot. It’s how she rolls, she falls in love so easily and so hard, she knows for nothing else. She just easily gets attached to someone. And that someone become the centre of her world.
“I’m glad she’s here,” he said. “You’ll be there for her.”
“What do you mean?” I asked furrowing my eyebrows but I already had a good idea what was on his mind.
“I’m leaving in the morning,” he said looking me in the eyes. “I know it’s not fair so spare me,” he calmly continued in a manner of a man that has made a decision that nothing can possibliy change. And the consequences of it are not the least good for him. Nikki seemed like he’d just accepted the hardship of his actions. “I’m not good for her,” he said. “But she’s not able to admit it to herself. I can let this go on until she figures it but I’m afraid she’ll waste the best years of her life on me. I love her too much to watch her wither,” he smirked. “This doesn’t make any sense to you, does it?”
“No, it does,” I nodded. I wasn’t so oblivious of the concept of leaving someone because you love her too much. I once mused the thought myself. Only when I was weighing my cons and pros there was more reasons for me to stay than leave. “It’s just that I think she should have her say in it, that’s all.”
“I tried that before,” he assured me. “I talked and talked trying to explain it to her but she just refuses to take it from my perspective. That’s why we’re constantly breaking up and ending back together. I was too weak to stick to my decision. To stay away from her.”
“Why do you think this will be any different?”
“Because, none of us is really happy,” he returned. “She hides it well, pushes it all under the carpet but it’s there. There’s just so many things that are separating it us that we’ll never over come,” he sighed. “If I’d be in my twenties like she is I’d probably have that hoplessly optimistic view like she does, that all we need is love and that will make everything work. But I’m way to old to fool myself like that.”
“You’re not that old,” I pointed out, for he neither looked very old nor he was what I considered old.
“But I’d love to think that I’m old enough to do the right thing. Otherwise I have totally wasted all the years, a life time for someone,” he pointed out.
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” I said. There was no point in trying to talk him out of it. It would be like insulting his intellect. Obviously, this was for a very, very long time preparing. Apparently, he was working himself up to this point for a seriously long time. There just was no point. “Just don’t expect me or any of us to be the one that will tell her you’re breaking up with her.”
“I’m not,” he assured me. “That would be a real cowardice.”
“Ok,” I nodded. “So basically you came here to leave her.” I concluded.
“It just turned out you were the only people she consideres really good friends that were available,” he said. “Bam’s somewhere, her sisters on some round trip, everybody who really means lot to her is somewhere.”
“But me?” I asked.
“I just came to make sure she’ll stay around you for at least first few days,” he said. “You must think I’m peace of shit for using you like this.”
“No, I appreciate the honestly,” I assured him. “I understand you but she’s my friend. I can’t really be happy right now, can I?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “If it matters, I just wanted to know she’s at good place with good people. Friends do miracles sometimes.”
“Sometimes, being the key word,” I pointed out and we fell into silence for a little while. “You sure leaving is the best?” something broke in me and that romantic fool surfaced. “I mean, I’m only asking because I was thinking the same not so long ago and now I can’t be more sure I made the right decision to stay.”
“You did,” he assured me. “What I saw today,” he began with a heartedly smile, “that moment between you two… that effect you have one on another… it’s not sexual only, that today wasn’t sexual at all. It takes more than just sheer desire and animalistic lust to make you forget where you are, that you’re around people, that your own child was watching you that intimate. One doesn’t lose control in blink of an eye for that little short kiss on the neck she gave you. And as well how she was realy pushing herself to the limits fighting back with herself to get a grip of the world for you couldn’t. That’s much deeper and stronger than any words can ever say. I don’t think you were ever able to really leave or that you’ll ever be. And same goes for her. Because you have that strong connection, that intensity, that something you can’t quite put your finger on but you know it’s there, it’s real. It’s that what will always keep you together in the same place. It’s why you complete each other perfectly. It’s that very same thing that makes you to read each other’s mind, finish each other’s lines. You do all that so naturally, both of you,” he paused. “That’s the difference between your and mine situation. You had that with her and despite the hard moment you two were going through when you looked deep down you both saw that none of you will survive the end. Literally. Kat wants that thing you guys have. She knows we don’t have that between us but she’s lying to herself it will come if we really try. You of all people should know you can’t make that special something. You can die trying to create it and it just won’t happen between you. It takes two right people to meet and click in that way, then just realize the entire scope of their feelings over time. I’m right am I not?” he simply asked sounding very sure of himself.
I gave it a little thought, I don’t know why because I didn’t really need to examine his philosophy at all. I lived by it. I was just probably sympathizing with my friend that will face the heartbreak and my mind was actually trying to find the flaws in Nikki’s theory. But I knew it’s dead on true. Sweetie and I did have that special something from the very start. We always felt like belonging one to another, we worked perfectly without much actually drama between us. Most of our drama was outside of our little heaven but seriously affecting us. If I’d be completely honest and objective, we never really had any problems between us, we didn’t even have a proper fight or misunderstanding.
Nikki read my silence as a confirmation to his view on things.
“Kat and I we never had that, never will,” he began. “It’s not that I’m hoping to find it anyway. I don’t even really deserve it. But Kat does. She’s so young to miss her chance. She can still have it but with someone else. And the least I can do as a weird way of saying her how grateful I am for everything she did for me is to let her go. Give her a clean start. You can understand that?” he was really hoping, I’d even dare say he was desperate for someone to understand him. Not because he needed a friend for himself, but an accomplice. A partner in crime that will stay behind to make amends. Clean up after him.
“I can,” I nodded.
“Thank you.”