If only I could do nothing...
BBC MERLIN
Characters: Merlin, Morgana, Arthur.
Warnings: Spoilers. Pay heed to that.
Disclaimer: Merlin isn't mine.
A/N: I'm not sure how I feel about this, I never liked writing in first person, but Merlin's voice just wouldn't let me be. Anyway, I did say I'd get back to angst eventually, didn't I?
What can you do when you see someone you were close to, someone you were friends with, turn their backs upon everything and everyone they once loved? How can you possibly hope to help them regain themselves when they have tried to kill you? How can you hope for things to return to normal when you attempted to kill them?
Just standing by and watching them lose who they were, watching the kindness and the good nature you once knew and loved burning inside a pit of fury and hate hurts. Watching them comfort the people whose lives they are trying to rip apart hurts even more, knowing and not being able to share, not being able to warn people. The waiting kills you, and she knows it.
I tried to get out of the way, tried to hide, but it was pointless. She smirked, and it chilled my blood.
“Merlin. What are you doing here?”
“Working.”
She raised her eyebrows, “Now following me around, then?”
“I have better things to do.”
She laughed, but it wasn’t her laugh, not anymore. This wasn’t Morgana. I don’t know who was standing in front of me, and I didn’t want to know her. But the Lady Morgana was lost, gone forever. I had known from the beginning that I couldn’t reason with her, couldn’t make her see the error of her ways, couldn’t stop her; but I tried not to lose hope. I lied to myself, but now, I could lie no more.
“If I were you Merlin, I’d get away from Camelot before the fires start.”
“No.”
“Then you’re more of an idiot than anyone takes you for. I’m giving you the opportunity to leave now.”
In the past, I would have taken this as kindness, as a warning. Now, she was just trying to get me out of her way. Her sneer told me that, her eyes were nothing to what they were. She was trying to work me out, why I was a threat, but she couldn’t and so instead of restarting her efforts to kill me, she was trying to scare me off.
She used to be so beautiful, now I wasn’t so sure; she was rotting away from the inside, and I wished I could leave, I didn’t want to see it happening, but what could I do? And the worst thing of all was the knowledge that this was partly my fault.
“I never thanked you for taking me to the druids, did I Merlin?”
“I’d rather you didn’t thank me for that, actually.”
I tried to keep my voice level, void of emotion, but I’d always been rubbish at keeping them in check. She could see something, and whatever it was made her smirk again.
“But why not? Look at me!”
My lip curled as I followed her request, her very presence disgusted me. I couldn’t hide that. I couldn’t fight the anger rising inside my body.
“I won’t let you hurt Arthur.”
She laughed. “I don’t wish to hurt your boyfriend.”
“You wish to hurt Uther, and by doing that, you will hurt Arthur.”
“That is a price which must be paid.”
No, no. There was more than that. She wanted Camelot on its knees, and Arthur would never let that happen. We both knew that, and in a moment of weakness she let me see how it pained her.
“Can you live with it though?”
Her head snapped towards me, all humour leaving her, rage charging sickeningly into view. She took a step towards me, and I stood my ground.
“You’re lucky, Merlin, that is all. But there is one good thing about luck.”
“And what is that?”
“It always runs out.”
“I won’t let you do this, Morgana, I can’t.”
“And what are you going to do about it, Merlin?”
She was snarling my name now, but I wasn’t about to back down. I wasn’t the person she thought I was.
“I will do everything in my power to stop you.”
She laughed again, “Then I fear for Camelot.”
She turned on her heel and walked down the corridor, turning back over her shoulder once and smiling that smile, the one which told me she no longer cared that her cover was blown with me. The one which assured me she knew I was powerless to do anything about it until it was much too late.
“See you around, Merlin.”
I don’t know how long I stood there after her footsteps had stopped echoing around me. I couldn’t stop the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the sorrow rising up the nausea. I didn’t want to have to stop her; I didn’t want one of my friends to become my enemy.
I was powerless against the visions flashing up in my memory; my promises to help her, us laughing, her hugging Arthur, her crying over the death of someone innocent person, begging Uther to help with some situation.
Just look at her now.
“Merlin, are you lurking in corridors again?”
I wiped my eyes, took in a deep breath, and turned around, trying my hardest to plaster a smile across my face.
“Must be,” I mumbled, thoroughly unconvincingly.
Arthur’s smile slid off his face and my stomach sank.
“Merlin, are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I breathed. “I’m fine.”
He didn’t look convinced in the slightest. It hurt to see him this concerned about me, and knowing that I couldn’t tell him why. I have never wanted to tell him everything more than I did in that moment, to cry, and just cling to him so at least he knew that he may be fighting for his life, his father and his kingdom very soon. I needed him to know I would be there beside him. I needed him to know what I’d be doing for him, because to hear in his voice that he cared that something was upsetting me, it was too much. His expression hadn’t softened at my words, in fact, it had gotten more serious. I always was a useless liar.
“You look as though you’ve just seen a ghost.”
How could I tell him that it was so much worse than that?