Tax demands, and the hidden perils of foreign language

Jan 18, 2007 21:07

This morning I received a letter by registered post, from the Steueramt, the Swiss tax office. Final demand. They say they sent me a tax declaration form for 2005 and they want it back, filled in, within ten days. And if you are failink to komply, the letter reads in the desiccated duckspeak of administrative German, zen we are hurtink you. And zen ve are hurtink you some more. Ve are ze Tax Bureau und ve haf vays of hurtink you zat even ze Foreignerpolice is not knowink. And zen ve cuts off your Johnson!

And I’m left thinking, you sent me a tax form?

There are so many things wrong with this that I barely know where to start. First, the tax form is a big and brightly coloured document. If it arrived after I learned the word Steuer then it would obviously be important, but if it arrived beforehand then I quite possibly recycled it as junk mail! Second, I apparently need documents that summarise my tax status for the year. These were mailed to me, but with the opposite problem: they’re so anonymous-looking that I quite possibly miscategorised, recycled or shredded them by mistake simply because I didn’t realise they even meant anything.

It does no good to plead or protest. Welcome to the iron underbelly of Swiss efficiency. If you follow its rules then it’s as effortless as riding a funicular railway; get it wrong, and you’re the marmot in the cogs beneath. And if you screw up then you don’t argue, you just get your shit as together as possible, as fast as possible, and brace yourself.

So I’ve acquired the services of a tax consultant, I’m getting a new form, I’m assembling all the pertinent bits of paper that I still have, and we’ll see how deep the marmot-hole goes.

Here’s a little tip for expatriates, free of charge. I learned it the hard way. If you’re moving to a foreign land, here are the most important seven terms you need to know: Please, Thank You, Police, Immigration, Tax Office and Final Demand. Oh, and don’t forget Ve cuts off your Johnson.

swiss, money

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