Where rainbows come from.
When I was significantly younger (8 or 9) I had a friend named Ken who all a sudden went whacko religious on me. He even went and got himself a bible and would read part of it every night. I, trying to be supportive, tried to read it to see what the deal was but by the 477th begat, I'd had enough.
Ken, who later became holier-than-thou-Ken, remained my friend even while reading the bible for Zogg knows what reason. I think perhaps he thought it was his Christian duty to get me to repent... Or he was planning to kill me one day and bury me in a shallow grave. You never know.
I remember Ken would often say to me when it was raining, "What did you do, Matt?" to which I would reply "Nothing!" because it was Ken's firm belief at the time that the rain was Jesus tears meant to cleanse us all again. My take on that particular theory is that, yes, that could be the case if Jesus was being a lazy bitch and just kept it raining because he couldn't bother coming down for the apocalypse.
So with the mystery of where rain comes from solved, let's move on to rainbows.
Today, I ate an entire 500g bag of tropical mix jubes (a kind of squishy candy). I didn't want to eat the whole bag, the jubes made me. It was a battle I wasn't prepared for and lost miserably. Ken would say I was being a glutton and the sugary sickness that followed was my own fault. Maybe Ken would be right. Or maybe the lord Jesus made me eat those jubes so that I could share his suffering. You see, when you eat a 500g bag of brightly-coloured sugar-filled treats it can make you sick. So sick, in fact, that even the smell of the bag when you're taking it out to the trash will make you gag. And then, perhaps inevitably, WWJD? Puke rainbows.
Perhaps that's TMI, but it's all in the interest of science.
If my good buddy Ken was still around, I'd be able to explain to him that Jesus is just as much of a glutton as I am and that's where rainbows come from. But instead, here I am without Ken (who long ago abandoned my wretch of a soul) vowing to never again eat another tropical fruit jube...
For a while anyway. I mean damn, it's not like there was only ever one rainbow. If Jesus can't give up the jubes, what chance do I have?
Ken, who later became holier-than-thou-Ken, remained my friend even while reading the bible for Zogg knows what reason. I think perhaps he thought it was his Christian duty to get me to repent... Or he was planning to kill me one day and bury me in a shallow grave. You never know.
I remember Ken would often say to me when it was raining, "What did you do, Matt?" to which I would reply "Nothing!" because it was Ken's firm belief at the time that the rain was Jesus tears meant to cleanse us all again. My take on that particular theory is that, yes, that could be the case if Jesus was being a lazy bitch and just kept it raining because he couldn't bother coming down for the apocalypse.
So with the mystery of where rain comes from solved, let's move on to rainbows.
Today, I ate an entire 500g bag of tropical mix jubes (a kind of squishy candy). I didn't want to eat the whole bag, the jubes made me. It was a battle I wasn't prepared for and lost miserably. Ken would say I was being a glutton and the sugary sickness that followed was my own fault. Maybe Ken would be right. Or maybe the lord Jesus made me eat those jubes so that I could share his suffering. You see, when you eat a 500g bag of brightly-coloured sugar-filled treats it can make you sick. So sick, in fact, that even the smell of the bag when you're taking it out to the trash will make you gag. And then, perhaps inevitably, WWJD? Puke rainbows.
Perhaps that's TMI, but it's all in the interest of science.
If my good buddy Ken was still around, I'd be able to explain to him that Jesus is just as much of a glutton as I am and that's where rainbows come from. But instead, here I am without Ken (who long ago abandoned my wretch of a soul) vowing to never again eat another tropical fruit jube...
For a while anyway. I mean damn, it's not like there was only ever one rainbow. If Jesus can't give up the jubes, what chance do I have?