Not of Your World
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy name.
I bow my head respectfully, as I do every Sunday morning, but I don’t say the words. I surreptitiously check my watch….we’re right on schedule, and the service should end on time. I am a church music director, and I’m not a Christian. The pastor is an old friend. She knows, but won’t “out” me to the congregation. What they see is a woman who is enthusiastic and full of the Spirit. What I am is completely different.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
When I was 13, I had a conversion. My music teacher at school was the choir director at the Air Force base chapel, and my best friend and I joined the choir and the youth group. Looking back at that youth group, I am appalled at the emotional manipulation that was employed. A meeting wasn’t considered a success unless at least one person ended up in holy tears, wailing about letting Jesus into their heart. Playing on the overwrought emotions of a group of 13 and 14 year olds just sets my teeth on edge. I became a Christian. Almost as quickly, I became a non-Christian.
Give us this day our daily bread,
My grandmother used Christianity as a weapon. Jesus Christ was just a big, heavy cast-iron skillet used to bash the heads in of those who were different than her. Anyone who wasn’t a Baptist was going straight to hell. I learned to be very, very wary of religious people from my grandmother. I wasn’t one of them, and if they found out, I’d never hear the end of it.
And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
It was at conservatory that I first started working for churches, and first discovered my own spiritual path. I like the ceremony of church, the pomp, the rhythm, the candles. I like the seasons. And while I still wasn’t a Christian, I could reconcile my true beliefs with this world. I am a musician. Singing, playing, conducting…..that is my prayer and service to a higher power. By leading others in song, I am lifting them up and lifting up those who hear us. My religion isn’t in the Bible - it’s in Bach and Mozart and gospel.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
I was fired from a church where I was working full time. After almost three years, I was no longer a “good fit.” The Thursday after Easter, where I had conducted the choir and a full orchestra at two services, and led a contemporary service in between, I was informed that I was “not physically or mentally healthy enough” to continue to lead this ministry. I discovered to my horror that churches were exempt from paying unemployment. I had to declare bankruptcy. I tried to find a lawyer to take them on for discrimination, but no one would touch it. I vowed never to step foot in a church again. Ever. I would take my religion elsewhere.
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Seven years later, my pastor friend called me in a panic. Her organist/choir director was retiring three weeks before Easter. Could I please, PLEASE come temporarily? She knew how wounded I had been by the church, but was in a real bind. So I said yes. And spent those three weeks in an agony of anxiety and nausea and flashbacks. But something happened. The music began to move me, my spirits were lifted, I felt I was living again, I was expressing my own spirituality outwardly and joyfully. So even though I’m surrounded by Christians, and am not one of them, I’ve stayed. I’ve shared. I’ve worshipped in my own way. And that’s ok.
Amen.