For the record....on feminism in marriage
Ok….so I wasn’t planning on doing this (I truly do hate explaining myself, especially because doing so usually makes one sound like a bigger idiot than they started off sounding like), but after the chaotic drama that I inadvertently got mixed up in on
_marriedlife_ this week-end, my head is spinning so much that I guess if I don’t write something to clear my mind, I’ll simply go crazy.
So for better or worse….here’s another little slice of my married (twice) with (4) children consciousness:
On the subject of feminism…
Regardless of what certain others may think, I do believe in women’s rights; that all women have the right to be treated as equals in all aspects of society.
The key word here is equal.
Feminism is pretty much black and white as applied to equality of the sexes within political, and economic aspects. In other words, most of us understand that this is where the fight lies. Women deserve equal pay, equal seats in government, and equal opportunity to better themselves in education, employment, and socioeconomic status. Furthermore, it is the job of every female alive to battle sexism: any behavior, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex. This should not be practiced in theory only, but in every action, every thought, and every facet of our living breathing lives - vituperatively if necessary, right?
Um, ok. Sounds good….but hmmmm. How exactly do we fit this feministic ideal into marriage? You know, the institution where we’re supposed to love, honor, and cherish our man, for better or worse?
I thought that I had this handled in my marriage. I was under the assumption I had no problem living harmoniously with both my husband and my feminism; that each institute walked harmoniously, side by side through the joys of marital bliss.
It has recently been pointed out to me that apparently, I was wrong.
Turns out that because of my sexist views, I’m not only ignorant and stupid, but actually usurping each and every advancement made by women’s rights activists throughout history. And by spreading my hideous, discriminatory ideas I am actually repressing other women.
Oh my god! I had no idea what an evil, ghastly, unscrupulous woman I was! Forgive me Betty Friedan. Have mercy on me Melody Drnach.
So what was my crime, you might ask. What hideous, incorrigible deed did I do?
I had sex with my husband….(sigh)…when I wasn’t really in the mood.
I know. I’m so ashamed. But that’s not all…it gets worse.
I also encouraged other women to do the same.
I’m despicable.
But wait….do I hear the murmur of hesitant voices? Am I not alone? Are there actually other feminist-minded women who have performed this unspeakable act?
Hell yeah!
And why? Why would we lower ourselves to the depravity of giving our husbands fifteen minutes of our valuable sleep time when he has absolutely no right to ask this of us since we are equal to him in everyway?
Because we’re married, that’s why.
And because, tomorrow morning I’m going to ask him to fold the laundry.
But mostly because we’re married, and that’s what marriage really is: giving up a little bit of yourself for the sole purpose of making someone you love happy. And before I get 300 irate comments on this, here’s the kicker none of you seem to understand: IT GOES BOTH WAYS.
Really, I mean, come on! Do you actually think your husband likes driving a mini-van? Do you believe that before your wedding day he often stopped by the drugstore on his way home from work to pick up tampons? Have you often imagined that before the day you met, your man actually spent longer than three minutes in a shoe store?
Honestly, ladies, if I decided to beat my husband with my feminism stick every time he asked for sex when I wasn’t in the mood, I probably wouldn’t be married. I choose to keep feminism out of the bedroom. So crucify me.
Feministic ideals are the tools used for achieving equality among the sexes. I simply believe that because I’ve accomplished that goal in my marriage, I have no further use for them there. My husband and I are equal. That is not to say that we aren’t different. Of course we are. And yes, I’ll even go so far as to say that some of our differences (for example, our different levels of required sexual activity) are due to the fact that we are different sexes. Does that make me sexist?
So in answer to the indignant cries of feminists intoning that yes, it is sexist of me to say that my husband’s sex drive has anything to do with him being male, I reply that, statistically, based on interviews - as many statistics are - men do think about sex more often than women. Whether this is a biological phenomenon or merely a societal by-product of the repression of female sexuality doesn’t change the fact that it seems to be true.
Equal does not mean alike. I happen to love the fact that my husband is different than I am, even though, because of said differences, I may sometimes have to relinquish a bit of my time, a little control, or even a quantity of my pleasure to make him happy. This doesn’t make me sexist, and it certainly does not in any way diminish my belief that, as a woman, I am equal to him (or any other man).
One word that seems to pop up in discussions concerning both marriage and women’s rights is respect. And yet, many women who believe that they deserve respect solely because it is a woman’s right are simply missing the point.
“My husband needs to respect me.”
I hear this a lot. But, to demand respect from your husband (or any one for that matter) you have to be willing to respect them in return. He needs to respect your wishes….you need to respect his. But what happens when his wishes are in direct conflict with yours? Whose wishes win? Does he win just because he’s the man of the house? Do you win, just because you’re the woman, and by god (or Gloria Steinem) no man is going to tell you what to do? Well???
Quite the dilemma, isn’t it? Almost seems like, in a situation such as this - where feminism and marital bliss crash head-on in an otherwise loving relationship - there’s simply no room for conciliation. Want my advice? Make room.
Can you say compromise?
If there is one thing that leads to a long and happy marriage it’s compromise. And yes, here it comes…it has to be said…
If you make the occasional concession to your man, it is NOT an affront to women’s activists everywhere.
Marriage is a process of give and take by both parties. Any husband or wife who fails to understand this will soon find themselves in counseling or, even worse, divorce court.
As for me personally, I’d rather give up the booty than the remote control on Tuesday nights. That’s fair. And if I’m “repressing” other women by stating such a blashphemy…sorry for the transgression ladies, but rest assured that I’ll be right there beside you picking up the gauntlet at the next pro-choice rally.