CONFUSED?!?DEPRESSED!!SAD!!!

[followxur_heart]

well lets just put it this way i'm really confused and unhappy not to mention sad..like seriously my life really has started to crumble in and i really have no idea what to do, or what to think. my lower self asteem has taken over and i feel depressed. aren't you suppose to be happy?? aren't you suppose to have the best time in highschool???? aren't you suppose to look back at your years and say how much you miss it??? i really don't know what to think anymore...i have too much stress on me and too much confusion in my head that i don't know waht to say or think or how to act. when you read this your probably going to think that its some retarded entry and that i really shouldn't be posting it on lj, well too me i don't care what you think personally i don't care at all. you know make-up really has taken over peoples lifes (especially mine) i mean i thought about it and people are right that make-up is just a layor ontop of your true self its like a mask you wear on halloween no one knows who it is underneath all they see is the mask on top of your face. but when you take the mask off people can see who you are and it shows the truth and not just some lie. i totally agree with people now that i think about it and make-up shouldn't be someones life.i mean putting on a little eyeliner to make yourself happy then thats ok but if you put alot on then your not showing your true self. anyways highschool has changed me from alot of things #1 i'm not the same person i was 4 years ago in 6th grade at my elementary school i totally changed and in some ways i don't like it. i wish i was the same nicole that you could trust and share everything with and have the best time with but i've changed and it doesn't feel right. i cared so much what people thought that i cried at night when someone told me that iwas ugly or they didn't like something about me. what i really thought about was that they must be really depressed or really have no one in their lifes to make so much fun of another person....i'm going to change because i feel its right not to let people think of me as someone who always wants attention or the person who cares what others think. i maybe be saying this stuff now and will probably never change but at least i'm admitting i was wrong and that the truth really shouldn't matter and if you care so much what others think then your really never going to gain convidence and you will always be a easy target to be picked on.......
i really hope everyone can understand what i'm trying to say