170: themuseswithin 8.4
More often than not, a hero’s most epic battle is the one you never see; it’s the battle that goes on within him or herself.
In the two years I worked on the X-Files, I came up against some pretty amazing things. Things that weren't human, things that had powers and abilities I could only imagine. I had my battles with some of them, with varying results, often arduous. But the most difficult battle that I had was with myself.
I am not the caliber of agent that John is, or that Scully is, or that Mulder is. I am not one of those people that you can look at and say this is what I was born to do. I was not born to do this. I was made to do it, through the wisdom of my father, the education of two different academies, and the work experience gained through much more senior partners and counterparts. I am but the sum of my parts, and my partners and their parts, passed on to me. When I joined the division I was at a disadvantage: I didn't have the experience either of my partners had; I didn't have Scully's scientific background, or John's Marine toughness. In fact, I'll freely admit I was most often scared out of my damn mind.
But you see I wasn't going to allow myself to fail. Failure meant losing John, meant letting down my colleagues, meant getting myself or someone else killed. If I wanted to be with John, I had to learn to do the job. And that was the battle I fought with myself. Trying to make myself ready, and trying to survive.
I hit the books and the case files trying to learn everything that I didn't know. I paid careful attention to everything that either of them said or did. I lost a lot of sleep whether it was because of nightmares or just working myself too hard. I broke myself down because I was holding myself to too high a standard. And eventually when I did get my legs under me, then I had to tackle a lot of terrifying things. My partner and I had numerous brushes with death, and eventually I just burned out. I was too tired of being afraid he wasn't going to come home. Too tired of being scared. I lost that battle with myself, and at least I was smart enough to admit defeat.
Muse: Stark Patrick
Fandom: The X-Files (OC)
Words: 385
In the two years I worked on the X-Files, I came up against some pretty amazing things. Things that weren't human, things that had powers and abilities I could only imagine. I had my battles with some of them, with varying results, often arduous. But the most difficult battle that I had was with myself.
I am not the caliber of agent that John is, or that Scully is, or that Mulder is. I am not one of those people that you can look at and say this is what I was born to do. I was not born to do this. I was made to do it, through the wisdom of my father, the education of two different academies, and the work experience gained through much more senior partners and counterparts. I am but the sum of my parts, and my partners and their parts, passed on to me. When I joined the division I was at a disadvantage: I didn't have the experience either of my partners had; I didn't have Scully's scientific background, or John's Marine toughness. In fact, I'll freely admit I was most often scared out of my damn mind.
But you see I wasn't going to allow myself to fail. Failure meant losing John, meant letting down my colleagues, meant getting myself or someone else killed. If I wanted to be with John, I had to learn to do the job. And that was the battle I fought with myself. Trying to make myself ready, and trying to survive.
I hit the books and the case files trying to learn everything that I didn't know. I paid careful attention to everything that either of them said or did. I lost a lot of sleep whether it was because of nightmares or just working myself too hard. I broke myself down because I was holding myself to too high a standard. And eventually when I did get my legs under me, then I had to tackle a lot of terrifying things. My partner and I had numerous brushes with death, and eventually I just burned out. I was too tired of being afraid he wasn't going to come home. Too tired of being scared. I lost that battle with myself, and at least I was smart enough to admit defeat.
Muse: Stark Patrick
Fandom: The X-Files (OC)
Words: 385