107: muse_diaries Entry 10
You chose a different road and I am unaware
And I feel the fall
-Vertical Horizon, "Sunshine"
Now I understand, in some way, the loneliness and difficulty that I saw Agent Scully endure when we worked together. I understand it because against my better judgment, I'm feeling it. Dealing with something I could never understand.
I never thought I'd be confronted with another version of my partner. My partner, my best friend, the man I've come to love. I've been told one existed by Monica Reyes, when she encountered one, but I was in Texas when that happened and never crossed his path (although the emotional construct that was me did...long story). Yet he exists, and worse, with no memory of me. And from that moment on I haven't a fucking clue how to react or how to deal. You could say that moment caused me to think about a half dozen different things.
I'm no psych major, but I spend so much time thinking about things that I end up psychoanalyzing myself. It's a weird habit, something I picked up from my father; we're almost philosophical in the way we look at the world. So I figure maybe if I write all this stuff down, it might make more sense, or at least I'll feel better about having talked it all out, in a way. Then again, my dad never dealt with anything of this magnitude. Though I'm sure he would have been fine with it. Okay, now I'm just rambling...
The first part is just who I'm dealing with, by nature. I did make the comment that there needed to be more good men like John in the world. He's too entwined in my life for me to objectively step back or step away from the situation. Even though my brain is logically telling me it's two different, separate people, my heart's strongest instinct - the one I built my life around - is telling me that this is still my partner and I should still be there to support him and to care for him. I would be the same if there were another Scully or Mulder out there. Who cares if it's not the exact same person? It's still someone I care for. I can't dissociate.
And then you start to get into trippy things. Like, I know for a fact if it hadn't been for John's support, I never would have hacked it here at the Bureau. His counterpart doesn't even know me, which tells me I never made it to the FBI. What happened to me? Did I give up on law enforcement after the Haber shooting? Did she shoot me instead? Am I alive or dead? Do I exist at all? It's scary to think about. I don't want to think I'm six feet under somewhere, even though logic tells me that there could be an infinite number of alternate universes all with different counterparts of me.
The other part that bothers me is that I'm so unprepared, I guess. Even after everything I've seen, everything I've done, this is the first time an X-File has ever personally affected me. I mean, I worked the case where we found out who killed Luke, and that tore me up, but it wasn't my son. I haven't lost a sister, a daughter, anything like that while working on these. I've had things that have scared the crap out of me, but not anything that was my loss, and mine alone. This is that moment. This is the time when it becomes personal. Because of my marriage it's more personal now than ever.
John's right. I have to let things happen. I just hope to God nothing bad happens to him - either of them - or I'll never forgive myself.
Muse: Stark Patrick
Fandom: The X-Files (OC)
Words: 619
And I feel the fall
-Vertical Horizon, "Sunshine"
Now I understand, in some way, the loneliness and difficulty that I saw Agent Scully endure when we worked together. I understand it because against my better judgment, I'm feeling it. Dealing with something I could never understand.
I never thought I'd be confronted with another version of my partner. My partner, my best friend, the man I've come to love. I've been told one existed by Monica Reyes, when she encountered one, but I was in Texas when that happened and never crossed his path (although the emotional construct that was me did...long story). Yet he exists, and worse, with no memory of me. And from that moment on I haven't a fucking clue how to react or how to deal. You could say that moment caused me to think about a half dozen different things.
I'm no psych major, but I spend so much time thinking about things that I end up psychoanalyzing myself. It's a weird habit, something I picked up from my father; we're almost philosophical in the way we look at the world. So I figure maybe if I write all this stuff down, it might make more sense, or at least I'll feel better about having talked it all out, in a way. Then again, my dad never dealt with anything of this magnitude. Though I'm sure he would have been fine with it. Okay, now I'm just rambling...
The first part is just who I'm dealing with, by nature. I did make the comment that there needed to be more good men like John in the world. He's too entwined in my life for me to objectively step back or step away from the situation. Even though my brain is logically telling me it's two different, separate people, my heart's strongest instinct - the one I built my life around - is telling me that this is still my partner and I should still be there to support him and to care for him. I would be the same if there were another Scully or Mulder out there. Who cares if it's not the exact same person? It's still someone I care for. I can't dissociate.
And then you start to get into trippy things. Like, I know for a fact if it hadn't been for John's support, I never would have hacked it here at the Bureau. His counterpart doesn't even know me, which tells me I never made it to the FBI. What happened to me? Did I give up on law enforcement after the Haber shooting? Did she shoot me instead? Am I alive or dead? Do I exist at all? It's scary to think about. I don't want to think I'm six feet under somewhere, even though logic tells me that there could be an infinite number of alternate universes all with different counterparts of me.
The other part that bothers me is that I'm so unprepared, I guess. Even after everything I've seen, everything I've done, this is the first time an X-File has ever personally affected me. I mean, I worked the case where we found out who killed Luke, and that tore me up, but it wasn't my son. I haven't lost a sister, a daughter, anything like that while working on these. I've had things that have scared the crap out of me, but not anything that was my loss, and mine alone. This is that moment. This is the time when it becomes personal. Because of my marriage it's more personal now than ever.
John's right. I have to let things happen. I just hope to God nothing bad happens to him - either of them - or I'll never forgive myself.
Muse: Stark Patrick
Fandom: The X-Files (OC)
Words: 619