ϡ - Chapter TwentyOne; Return [action/voice]
[ There’s the sound of shaky uneven breathing coming over the transmission and then a cough or two. It’s almost as if the person on the other side is a bit startled, a bit confused and a bit in pain. The sharp intake of breath and the murmured exclamation of surprise doesn’t really yield anymore good results for those listening in. ] I-I can’t
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It's f-fine. I'm used to getting banged up. [ Usually working with mythica is a dangerous job so there's that and magic can be tricky. There's also the scars on his arms. He groans a little at that.
Oh dear why did he have to mention it. ] You...you remember then. [ Helios will look downright embarrassed now there's no way of hiding it at this point. This was just a very bad time to talk about it because he was so tired and he often said things he wouldn't normally say when he's this tired. The last time this happened he let slip to Giles about Nero. ]
You don't seem surprised about my...skin. N-Not that I mind. It takes people by surprise so I-- [ never touch anyone. Haven't had contact with anyone for three years. It all sounds so ridiculous in his head so he doesn't say anything more. ]
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[Robert frowns at the next part. It hurts to know that Helios gets injured often enough to be used to it, but he continues cleaning him.
And that next part makes Robert glance up, mildly embarrassed himself.] ... H-How could I forget? It was... wonderful. [That just kind of slipped out, and Robert flushes darker as he mumbles it. Touching Helios to clean him... it's making all the desire evident again - not as intense as it was, yes, but certainly enough to make his stomach lurch with anxiety.
As for Helios' skin temperature...] Ah, well, my only worry was that you were perhaps experiencing hypothermia, but if it is normal for you, then that is all that matters. Though I am curious as to why... [Robert looks at Helios then in a questioning way. Was it maybe related to Helios' magic?]
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I-I don't know. I just thought it might not have been anything worth remembering. [ Honestly he almost doesn't catch the last of Robert's response. He actually liked it? Helios wasn't expecting that. Helios had come to not expect a lot of things this was one of many. He himself almost looks apologetic because the fact that Robert liked it, and to what degree he still isn't certain, will make this whole thing so much worse. ]
N-No it isn't anything like that. [ Helios will wince; he doesn't want to talk about it especially not right now. ] Nothing. It's just me you know? [ A nervous laugh as his eyes go to Robert's arm. ]
Ah, Robert...your arms.
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Helios' tone of voice seems to betray something - Robert wishes it was a message he could understand.] O-of course it's worth remembering, Helios... I mean, I would hope it was enjoyable for you as well - even though the Malnosso were responsible for most of my, er, forward behaviour... [And Robert blushes again, glancing downward. Part of him really, really wants to ask Helios - since Donatello essentially gave him the go-ahead to do so.
Helios just keeps sounding uncomfortable about the whole topic of his skin, too.] Is that so? What with all these different worlds, and the fact you have magic, I would hardly know what to expect from typical human biology. Still, if the temperature of this blood is anything to go by, your internal temperature seems to be close to a typical human range - I suppose it's only your skin, then? [Robert is blissfully oblivious to Helios' discomfort.
... And then...]
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...
Well. Of course. He hadn't thought about it at the time - or rather, he had but deemed Helios' safety more important - but Helios had gotten a damn good look at those scars.
Robert's expression turns to something like panic.]
... Y-yes? What... what about them? [As if it wasn't obvious. But Robert's mind wants to be evasive about it.
What would Helios even think...?]
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[ Another laugh, almost bitter. He gives the other man a tired worn look. ] I sometimes say things when I'm this tired. It's none of my business--I shouldn't have.
I shouldn't have asked. I apologize.
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[He glances down. Part of him wants to trust Helios... he does care about the man a lot, and...] W-Well, it's, er, related to the mental issues I mentioned... B-But... it's... ... d-difficult, to talk about. [Unconsciously his fingers flicker to his wrists, stroking the old scars a little. Feeling where the skin puckers gently. Remembering needles sliding into flesh...]
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Helios' eyebrows raise a little at that. Mental issues? God he probably just opened up so many old wounds for the other--how could he be so inconsiderate like that? ]
Oh. I-I didn't know. [ He won't watch, or at least try not to with his one eye. ] I hope I haven't caused you-- [ He shakes his head the motion making his head spin probably from the blood lose. ] --of course I have. Robert, I'm truly sorry.
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A-At any rate, it's hardly anything you would b-be expected to know about. So please, there's hardly any need to apologize.
B-Besides... I... I should... I should trust s-someone I mean to, er, ask about p-possibly being my partner, shouldn't I? [And Robert blushes fiercely.]
A-Anyway... now that m-most of the blood's gone, I should, er, see about any other injuries you have...
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[ Wait what? His partner? He couldn't possibly mean. Helios has a very profound and confused look on his face. There might be some embarrassment mixed in as well it's hard to really tell. ] P-Pardon?
Ahh y-yes other...injuries. I-I should be fine to take care of those. You've done enough as it is! [ He does not need Robert seeing his own scars. Because they, unlike Robert's, are very profound and horrible looking. ]
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Ah. ... P-perhaps that isn't a term you're familiar with, Helios?
I... I wasn't going to speak of it now, but you s-seem to have recovered s-somewhat, and... [Robert flushes, glancing away slightly.] W-Well, I spoke with... with Donatello. On the day after the... experiments ended. The... V-Valentine's experiments, that is. And I c-came to the conclusion I was, er, still... l-legitimately attracted to both you and Don and I asked him about whether we could p-possibly be... in a r-relationship in the future and then I wondered p-perhaps if you could be included - th-though, normally I'm not p-polyamorous but, er, I'm c-certainly not adverse and maybethatwouldbealrightI'mnotcertainbutofcourseit'suptoyouand...
[Robert trails off, breathing shakily.]
I, I... ah... I... h-hope that it isn't, e-er, a problem. [He really hopes it isn't a problem.]
A-And... nonsense. I'd, I... would w-wish to help you. It's hardly a burden, I d-don't mind at all... [Not like Robert's scars aren't horrible-looking.]
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He holds up his hands while laughing. ] N-No I am. I'm just...confused.
[ Oh dear this just got so much worse. He still feelings for him, of all people to have feelings for? Helios looks so conflicted right now. How is he supposed to even begin saying why this could never happen? Why was this happening? It was always the Malnosso and yet this was also his fault. It would also be his fault. A shaky exhale from him. ]
Um...R-Robert I-I can't. I'm so sorry. I just can't...lie and tell you there isn't a problem. B-But it's not you. [ Helios will look at his hand still a little crusted with blood. He looks terrible because he had hoped this wouldn't have happened. Robert didn't deserve him anyway, cold unfeeling and hardly anything special. He was unable to return any such feelings the other had for him. Nothing from Valentine's day stuck; it was all the Malnosso's fault. He looks back at the other man a very sullen expression on his face. He will shift and try to get up then wincing as he does so. He doesn't...he doesn't want to burden Robert anymore especially now that he knows the other's feelings. ]
I can understand if you don't wish to after this. It's understandable.
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[Robert's face falls. It's a punch in the gut to hear that. Outright rejection. The same kind of painfully blunt rejection that Benjamin gave him after their final argument.
And then of course, Robert had run away.]
Helios... ... [Robert reaches out, haltingly, to try to take his bloodied hand, and stops midway, his fingers just hanging there shakily.] ... W-What did I... do wrong? [Because there's no way it isn't him. There's no way this wonderful man could ever be at fault.]
... or... o-or is there someone else and y-you're, you're already involved? [Frederic, maybe? Robert doesn't know but he feels ashamed, ashamed for asking. Ashamed for still wanting Helios even now, wanting to kiss him again, bloody or otherwise.]
B-But regardless if you don't w-want to it's fine... I p-probably don't deserve you anyway, Helios. You're... j-just so wonderful that I...
[Robert has to stop to wipe a few small, hot tears away. This shouldn't hurt. Helios has the right to turn him down. But gods rejection hurts. It hurts like swallowing shrapnel.]
... no. N-no, it's... it's alright. I... I still want to help you. You're... s-still my... my friend, right...? ... that... that means enough to me, it's... it's no trouble... [It's not even a lie; his feelings are too obvious. It's more just outright denial. But at the same time Robert does value Helios' friendship... he just wishes that, whatever he'd done to hurt his chances of it being more, that he hadn't done it.]
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It's not you. [ He might clench his hands into fists biting his lip almost dangerously close to splitting it open. ] It's me. It's always me. Robert you...you never did anything wrong. I-If anything you allowed me to have memories of being loved again. You allowed me...to be able to give it to someone again. I-I just...can't feel it anymore.
[ He looks very tired now along with extremely sad and lonely. He feels terrible to even say such a thing. It was all just a big mess wasn't it? Another shaky sigh escapes his lips. ] There used to be someone. [ Elise. God he misses her so much. He wishes she was here sometimes. But this place is horrid; he could never put her through this. ]
You're better off with Donatello. He can at least return those feelings to you. I'm...definately not worth anyone's time. Especially not someone like yourself who's capable of holding so much love...enough for two people at that. I had my chance. You shouldn't waste yours either.
I-I never said I wasn't going to continue being that. You're a rather wonderful person to talk to, Robert. I would enjoy still being your friend. [ Because that's all he ever can be to anyone. He'll go quiet looking at the floor still. If only Robert hadn't fallen for him; he wouldn't be experiencing this pain. ]
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Robert shakes his head, not understanding.] ... not... anymore? [Why not? That's the unspoken question.] B-but, but Helios... you... you deserve to be loved...
[Used to be. Used to be. Helios was alone, just like he had been.] ... There was a someone for me, before here... b-but... but then I... ... I ruined it. [Somehow Donatello still wanted him but he'd ruined his last relationship and feeling this again maybe he'd ruin it for him too and he didn't want to ruin it for a wonderful person like that... And Helios. Helios looked exhausted.]
Th-that's not true, Helios. You... y-you're certainly worth someone's time... I don't understand why you don't f-feel that way. There's... nothing wrong with you in a-any way at all that I can see. Just, just a kind, gentle, w-warmhearted... [He trails off, his voice low. He's beautiful. How could Helios ever feel like he wasn't deserving of love?]
... [And after a long pause:] ... I... I'd enjoy that t-too, Helios. [And Robert hesitantly, gently, takes Helios' cold, bloodied hand in his own. He wants to embrace Helios, kiss him, tell him he's wonderful - he doesn't. He just holds Helios' hand and wishes that those feelings could be communicated somehow.]
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Ah that's very kind of you to say so Robert. A second chance...I would like that but I doubt I-I deserve one. [ He simply sounds tired now; not upset or even mournful but just...tired.
He blinks as Robert grabs his bloodied hand and he looks at back at him with a smile. It doesn't fade like the previous ones however. ] If only it were in better circumstance. The Malnosso make everything so much more difficult it seems. But I do enjoy your company and I would like to continue to keep it.
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