maybe a little redundant, but here it is anyway.
If I had to put a mood or idea to my life lately it would have to be contemplative. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what was and what will be and if that actually changes anything about me. It probably doesn't, but I still can't help thinking about it.
Every now and then I catch myself wondering how I got to where I am. I'm not saying that I think that where I am is a bad place, if I did then Ryan might try to kill me [he knows where I sleep]. I like where I am right now, it feels good, it feels right. But I still often wonder, "How did I get here?"
When I graduated high school and went into college I, like most naive "young adults", thought that I was going to conquer the world. I would graduate with my teaching degree and then proceed to mold young minds and tell the system to go fuck itself. I am still telling the system to go fuck itself, but in a more grown up fashion? Right...and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
But, seriously, I'm not teaching, but I am attempting to mold minds. I never realized that the old adage "can't teach an old dog new tricks" was really meant for people, not dogs.
Sorry, I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, college. The time of my life. Really, it was the best. My roommate was, and is, pretty much the best ever. I never thought that being stuck with someone against my will would result in the most meaningful and fulfilling friendship that I have ever had, Shauna is my plutonic soul mate. She, and her family, carried me through college when I experimented with a variety of sinful indulgences that caused my parents not to speak to me [apparently my dating a girl means that they were shitty, shitty parents and as a result I was punished? I love parent logic, makes good sense all the time]. Despite the negative that I associate with my college years I look back and realize that while I didn't change fundamentally, I did grow to understand myself and as a result grew in confidence to know that my decisions really are my own and not the result of brainwashing. When you come to the realization that your thoughts/opinions are your own it is incredibly empowering.
After college I tried to get into a master's program and failed miserably. This, as you might imagine, caused me to reevaluate my goals. It wasn't that I didn't have the grades, I was attempting to change concentrations so I didn't have the background. I stood there shouting to myself, "I am good at this! Why can't you see that I am good at this?!?!" It was both frustrating and enlightening.
I also moved back home and came back into contact with old friends from high school. I was starting over. I didn't really stay in touch with people from high school when I went to college. Everything felt foreign, and, coincidentally, looked a lot smaller. Izzle and Carol kept me sane again and helped me gain back my perspective. Life at home wasn't going to be bad after all.
After a while of fumbling around I cam across a message in my in box from a guy who had just moved to VA and was looking for new people to hang out with. Normally I ignore these messages and dismiss them, never paying them another thought. But something in me said that I need to try something a little...daring. Yes, that's right, daring. To yet again do something that my parents would completely disapprove of and throw caution to the wind. It was cool. A few months later I moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment, he came with me. Mom was pissed - I just want it known that not everything I do is to piss off my mom. Almost two years later Ryan and I are getting married. In 13 days I am getting married.
Lately my thought have been on what it means to be married, what it will be like, does changing my name change me? I have been wrestling with that question since Ryan proposed. We put so much of our identity into our name. It is a fundamental representation of who we are. Does that representation change if our name changes? What is in a name, that which is any other would smell as...sweet? How the hell should I know? I just think of the questions, I didn't say I had any answers.
I do know those experiences are just that, experiences, that have shaped and molded me into who I am now. Without those I would be a mere shell of what I am.
So what does the future hold? Wise men say "forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza". Sorry, wrong wise man. I believe that OTHER wise men have written plenty about learning from the past. Unfortunately, that only tells us where we as people are going - it doesn't look good [especially if we elect McCain *shudder*]. It says nothing about the individual. In the end I guess the future really is what we make it.
Hang on while I get my magic 8 ball.
Every now and then I catch myself wondering how I got to where I am. I'm not saying that I think that where I am is a bad place, if I did then Ryan might try to kill me [he knows where I sleep]. I like where I am right now, it feels good, it feels right. But I still often wonder, "How did I get here?"
When I graduated high school and went into college I, like most naive "young adults", thought that I was going to conquer the world. I would graduate with my teaching degree and then proceed to mold young minds and tell the system to go fuck itself. I am still telling the system to go fuck itself, but in a more grown up fashion? Right...and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
But, seriously, I'm not teaching, but I am attempting to mold minds. I never realized that the old adage "can't teach an old dog new tricks" was really meant for people, not dogs.
Sorry, I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, college. The time of my life. Really, it was the best. My roommate was, and is, pretty much the best ever. I never thought that being stuck with someone against my will would result in the most meaningful and fulfilling friendship that I have ever had, Shauna is my plutonic soul mate. She, and her family, carried me through college when I experimented with a variety of sinful indulgences that caused my parents not to speak to me [apparently my dating a girl means that they were shitty, shitty parents and as a result I was punished? I love parent logic, makes good sense all the time]. Despite the negative that I associate with my college years I look back and realize that while I didn't change fundamentally, I did grow to understand myself and as a result grew in confidence to know that my decisions really are my own and not the result of brainwashing. When you come to the realization that your thoughts/opinions are your own it is incredibly empowering.
After college I tried to get into a master's program and failed miserably. This, as you might imagine, caused me to reevaluate my goals. It wasn't that I didn't have the grades, I was attempting to change concentrations so I didn't have the background. I stood there shouting to myself, "I am good at this! Why can't you see that I am good at this?!?!" It was both frustrating and enlightening.
I also moved back home and came back into contact with old friends from high school. I was starting over. I didn't really stay in touch with people from high school when I went to college. Everything felt foreign, and, coincidentally, looked a lot smaller. Izzle and Carol kept me sane again and helped me gain back my perspective. Life at home wasn't going to be bad after all.
After a while of fumbling around I cam across a message in my in box from a guy who had just moved to VA and was looking for new people to hang out with. Normally I ignore these messages and dismiss them, never paying them another thought. But something in me said that I need to try something a little...daring. Yes, that's right, daring. To yet again do something that my parents would completely disapprove of and throw caution to the wind. It was cool. A few months later I moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment, he came with me. Mom was pissed - I just want it known that not everything I do is to piss off my mom. Almost two years later Ryan and I are getting married. In 13 days I am getting married.
Lately my thought have been on what it means to be married, what it will be like, does changing my name change me? I have been wrestling with that question since Ryan proposed. We put so much of our identity into our name. It is a fundamental representation of who we are. Does that representation change if our name changes? What is in a name, that which is any other would smell as...sweet? How the hell should I know? I just think of the questions, I didn't say I had any answers.
I do know those experiences are just that, experiences, that have shaped and molded me into who I am now. Without those I would be a mere shell of what I am.
So what does the future hold? Wise men say "forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza". Sorry, wrong wise man. I believe that OTHER wise men have written plenty about learning from the past. Unfortunately, that only tells us where we as people are going - it doesn't look good [especially if we elect McCain *shudder*]. It says nothing about the individual. In the end I guess the future really is what we make it.
Hang on while I get my magic 8 ball.