Ed!clone. Why are these things created? How are they created?
Title: Full Metal Alchemist Unnamed Alchemists
Author: RoselessThorns
Full Name: Mizuki, The Heartless Alchemist [gag me with a spoon]
Full Species: Marius Suius Insubordinationius Bitchus
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Unusual Markings/Colorations:
Special Possessions: Douchebagery
Which Gate it Came From: The Gate of Ed Clones, The Gate of "Oh my God kill it", The Gate of Soon-to-be Bloody Sporks
Connections to Canon Characters: She's basically a female version of Ed. Her entry exam to the military is EXACTLY THE SAME.
Special Abilites: Being able to make Mustang "giddy."
Other Annoying Traits: Bolding AND caps locking sentences.
Some of the worst of this story:
“MIZUKI! GET YER ARSE OUT OF BED THIS INSTANT!” [I didn't bold this. And why is her name Jafanese when the person yelling at her seems to have a Scottish accent?]The first thing I heard when I woke. My teacher bellowing up the stairs[Why are you livng with your teacher? Doesn't he have better things to do than have you intrude?].
“COMING TEACHER!” I shouted back[You don't have to caps lock your screeching every time, you know.], rolling off my bed and hitting the cold wood floor snapping my neck and dying. I quickly yanked on my black socks, black jeans, black undershirt, and skin tight black v-neck t-shirt[great; a slutty goth Sue]; stuffing my feet into my combat boots and lacing them up quickly.I added a black choker with a red gem hanging from it. On my auto-mail arm[Fuckin' A. Another automail!Sue. How many of you chicks attempted to resurrect the dead? Wouldn't at least one of you be intelligent enough not to?], a black arm warmer that went to my sleeve of the shirt and a black glove. My other arm was left bare. I yanked a brush hurriedly through my mid-back length red copper hair, wincing at the tangles that got pulled straight. I quickly put on eye-liner and a little mascara, making my silvery blue eye stand out more.[Gross. It's one of those things where "I'll make the mutant part of me stand out more so people can stare in awe while I pretend to be modest about it".] I gave myself a cursory glance in my mirror. Ah…Maybe this is going to be too gothic for the exam…[You think?] Nah… Then I grabbed the black trench coat that was on the chair back and shot downstairs like a bullet from a gun[There is so much here I could say that I will not. But seriously... Why all the black?].
My teacher gave me a dirty look[though I have no problem with this, why would he?] as I scarfed down a slice of bread and a glass of milk. I rolled my eyes at him and he chuckled. He looked scary, bushy beard and narrow eyes coupled with a long, ropey scar[I know that a scar can look..."ropey"... but cuoldn't she have used a way better term?] from right temple to left cheek.
“See ya later, Michiro-sensei!” I called over my shoulder as I bolted out the door.
“Knock ‘em dead! FIGURATIVELY MIZUKI!”[STOP BOLDING SENTENCES WITH CAPS LOCK! THAT'S MY JOB!] Michiro bellowed after me. I laughed, waving over my shoulder and nodding. Like I’m gonna try and kill anyone there! Except Mustang... [How do you know Mustang? And why do you want to kill him? Edward makes threats to him but they're clearly empty ... sort of.]
-------------------30 Minutes Later-------------------
I hopped off the train onto the station in Central. I looked around with guarded eyes. This place was big. I stared around me, trying to locate the right building. I never would have found it, but it had a very large flag with the crest of the military on it. Into the lion’s den. Hope I walk out alive. I glared at the door for a moment, then set my expression to my custom look of polite disinterest[How is it a custom look? Are you a car? Or do you mean you usually express yourself by showing "polite disinterest" on your face?]. I’d learned that this face kept people from bothering me too much, but I could hear the whispers following me[cause you make that much of an impression].
“Who is she?”
“Where do you think she’s from?”
“Pfft! Who dresses like that!”[This one is understandable.]
I sighed quietly, walked up to the doors of the building, and walked in. I heard more speculation before the door swung shut. From here, I was walked to the first part of the State Alchemist’s test. I was taken to a room and informed that I was going to have to go through a written test, then a psychological test. I nodded in silence, took my seat, and began.
-------------------20 Minutes after the written and psychological exams-------------------
I stood outside a closed door, a couple other people waiting to take the test out there with me. I watched in silence as the door in front of us opened and someone walked out. I would not have paid her any mind, except for the fact that she had bangs that were exceedingly long and the rest was cut short.[This definitely isn't Riza. Her hair is shoulder-length, pinned up. And her bangs were never "exceedingly long". Who in FMA has these characteristics in their hair?!] She stalked past, seemingly without noticing us. Just then, my name was called out and I steeled myself [Even though this is proper, I dislike it. It sounds weird...]before walking inside the door, shutting the door [Welcome to the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.]behind me.
“Are you ready?” I looked up to see a black haired man with moderately squinty eyes looking down at me. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Hello Lt. Colonel Mustang.[HE IS A COLONEL AT THIS TIME. GET IT RIGHT. And can you people learn to write out Lieutenant in full? It DOESN'T take that much time!] Yes, I am ready.” I replied, keeping my expression disinterested[I got that. let's move on.].
“Then begin.” He said, nodding to me. I inclined my head, stepping to the center of the large room.
“Wait, do you have the tools you need to draw a transmutation circle?”
“Don’t need them.” I replied tersely, clapping my hands together, leaning down, and slapping them to the floor. There was the usual wavering light from transmuting something, then a cracking boom as the thing I made separated from the floor. I turned around, wielding a long, double ended staff-sword. There was intricate engravings all along the weapon. I spun it in a quick circle before turning and thrusting it at Mustang’s face. The room around me erupted into sounds of rage, and there was a snapping sound and a burst of flame. I quickly spun the weapon in my hands, creating a whirling area of air that spun the fire away from me[All of this, perhaps other than the...fire dance... happened with Edward. God. Get some originality.].
After the officials were done freaking out at me, King Bradley stood up, gesturing for silence.
“None of you have the power to fail this talented young lady. Her other test results were outstanding. She has the talent, and she’s brave. I declare that she passes.” He said sternly, looking at me in a sort of appraisal. I met his eyes calmly, not blinking[Oh, Edward. I miss your male self. Your male, cool self.].
I was told to follow Mustang to his office, to sort out all the paperwork. Mustang sat behind his desk, looking smug.
“What’s the smile for?” I grumbled at him, irritated. He laughed, and I scowled.
“I’m just really happy that I discovered another very talented alchemist!” He said, sounding almost giddy[What? Giddy? Mustang? Does not compute!].
“Another?” I asked, surprised. Seems like hotshot here really gets out and looks[What's with your attitude? And what's with this insurbordination?].
“Yup. The Full Metal Alchemist, our youngest ever. Passed when he was 12. Seems like he’s more talented than you!” He said, pointing at me before opening the envelope of paper work. He read for a moment, explained it,[I want to know what this is about. Do you mean he read her acceptance letter? Doesn't it take a while to figure that shit out?] then started laughing again.
“What now?” I sighed, about ready to kick something. Mustang eyed me in amusement.
“Your name as a State Alchemist suits you perfectly. “
“Oh?”
“Yea.” He tossed the papers onto my lap. I looked down and picked them up. I head to re-read my new name a coupe[Un coupe? Qu'est-ce que tu veux dire? Stupide. Je ne comprends pas. I dislike typos. Especially when the typos are actual words.] of times before it sunk in. I passed.
“The Heartless Alchemist[I don't want to comment. It hurts to much.]? I’ll take it.” I said, my rough voice sounding vaguely pleased[Are you a man? what's with the "vaguely pleased"? Don't you know if you're pleased or not?].
“Yup. Told you it fits you. Here’s your watch, don’t lose it. It’s your identification as a State Alchemist. Congratulations, you’re now a dog of the military.” He said, tossing me the watch and chain. I caught it, clipped it to a belt loop, and tucked the watch into my pocket. I glanced at the clock, 12:00, noon. I stood to leave, trench coat billowing.
“What are you supposed to be dressed as? A mourning widow? A witch?[I love you Mustang. Thank you.]” Mustang called to me, just as I opened the door. -snap- He’s going to pay! I sharply clapped my hands together, touched them to the wall. A large pipe transmuted from the wall, and I turned a nozzle, spraying water all over the offending man.[He's not offending you. He actually wants to know. You should be stripped of your title right now you undeserving wretch for your lack of respect and your insuboordination..] He spluttered and swore at me, even as I stopped the water flow.
“What’s the matter, Lt. Colonel Useless?[Only Riza can call him that, bitch.] And don’t even think about using the things in water to create flammable gas. You’ll burn yourself too.” I snarled at him, slamming the door open and storming out. I thundered down two flights of stairs, then I stalked past a girl with knee-length black hair pulled into a ponytail. [the hell...?]She wore black and purple, and looked utterly astonished as I walked stiffly past her, paying her as much attention as I had the other long-banged girl.
I stormed down the stairs, out of the building and onto the street. I think I lost my temper…[No shit Sherlock.]
Rating: one spork for insuboordination, one spork for Jafanese, one spork for Ed!Clone, one spork for her bitchiness and anger towards Mustang which is incomprehensible.
Four. I want five.
Author: RoselessThorns
Full Name: Mizuki, The Heartless Alchemist [gag me with a spoon]
Full Species: Marius Suius Insubordinationius Bitchus
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Unusual Markings/Colorations:
Special Possessions: Douchebagery
Which Gate it Came From: The Gate of Ed Clones, The Gate of "Oh my God kill it", The Gate of Soon-to-be Bloody Sporks
Connections to Canon Characters: She's basically a female version of Ed. Her entry exam to the military is EXACTLY THE SAME.
Special Abilites: Being able to make Mustang "giddy."
Other Annoying Traits: Bolding AND caps locking sentences.
Some of the worst of this story:
“MIZUKI! GET YER ARSE OUT OF BED THIS INSTANT!” [I didn't bold this. And why is her name Jafanese when the person yelling at her seems to have a Scottish accent?]The first thing I heard when I woke. My teacher bellowing up the stairs[Why are you livng with your teacher? Doesn't he have better things to do than have you intrude?].
“COMING TEACHER!” I shouted back[You don't have to caps lock your screeching every time, you know.], rolling off my bed and hitting the cold wood floor snapping my neck and dying. I quickly yanked on my black socks, black jeans, black undershirt, and skin tight black v-neck t-shirt[great; a slutty goth Sue]; stuffing my feet into my combat boots and lacing them up quickly.I added a black choker with a red gem hanging from it. On my auto-mail arm[Fuckin' A. Another automail!Sue. How many of you chicks attempted to resurrect the dead? Wouldn't at least one of you be intelligent enough not to?], a black arm warmer that went to my sleeve of the shirt and a black glove. My other arm was left bare. I yanked a brush hurriedly through my mid-back length red copper hair, wincing at the tangles that got pulled straight. I quickly put on eye-liner and a little mascara, making my silvery blue eye stand out more.[Gross. It's one of those things where "I'll make the mutant part of me stand out more so people can stare in awe while I pretend to be modest about it".] I gave myself a cursory glance in my mirror. Ah…Maybe this is going to be too gothic for the exam…[You think?] Nah… Then I grabbed the black trench coat that was on the chair back and shot downstairs like a bullet from a gun[There is so much here I could say that I will not. But seriously... Why all the black?].
My teacher gave me a dirty look[though I have no problem with this, why would he?] as I scarfed down a slice of bread and a glass of milk. I rolled my eyes at him and he chuckled. He looked scary, bushy beard and narrow eyes coupled with a long, ropey scar[I know that a scar can look..."ropey"... but cuoldn't she have used a way better term?] from right temple to left cheek.
“See ya later, Michiro-sensei!” I called over my shoulder as I bolted out the door.
“Knock ‘em dead! FIGURATIVELY MIZUKI!”[STOP BOLDING SENTENCES WITH CAPS LOCK! THAT'S MY JOB!] Michiro bellowed after me. I laughed, waving over my shoulder and nodding. Like I’m gonna try and kill anyone there! Except Mustang... [How do you know Mustang? And why do you want to kill him? Edward makes threats to him but they're clearly empty ... sort of.]
-------------------30 Minutes Later-------------------
I hopped off the train onto the station in Central. I looked around with guarded eyes. This place was big. I stared around me, trying to locate the right building. I never would have found it, but it had a very large flag with the crest of the military on it. Into the lion’s den. Hope I walk out alive. I glared at the door for a moment, then set my expression to my custom look of polite disinterest[How is it a custom look? Are you a car? Or do you mean you usually express yourself by showing "polite disinterest" on your face?]. I’d learned that this face kept people from bothering me too much, but I could hear the whispers following me[cause you make that much of an impression].
“Who is she?”
“Where do you think she’s from?”
“Pfft! Who dresses like that!”[This one is understandable.]
I sighed quietly, walked up to the doors of the building, and walked in. I heard more speculation before the door swung shut. From here, I was walked to the first part of the State Alchemist’s test. I was taken to a room and informed that I was going to have to go through a written test, then a psychological test. I nodded in silence, took my seat, and began.
-------------------20 Minutes after the written and psychological exams-------------------
I stood outside a closed door, a couple other people waiting to take the test out there with me. I watched in silence as the door in front of us opened and someone walked out. I would not have paid her any mind, except for the fact that she had bangs that were exceedingly long and the rest was cut short.[This definitely isn't Riza. Her hair is shoulder-length, pinned up. And her bangs were never "exceedingly long". Who in FMA has these characteristics in their hair?!] She stalked past, seemingly without noticing us. Just then, my name was called out and I steeled myself [Even though this is proper, I dislike it. It sounds weird...]before walking inside the door, shutting the door [Welcome to the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.]behind me.
“Are you ready?” I looked up to see a black haired man with moderately squinty eyes looking down at me. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Hello Lt. Colonel Mustang.[HE IS A COLONEL AT THIS TIME. GET IT RIGHT. And can you people learn to write out Lieutenant in full? It DOESN'T take that much time!] Yes, I am ready.” I replied, keeping my expression disinterested[I got that. let's move on.].
“Then begin.” He said, nodding to me. I inclined my head, stepping to the center of the large room.
“Wait, do you have the tools you need to draw a transmutation circle?”
“Don’t need them.” I replied tersely, clapping my hands together, leaning down, and slapping them to the floor. There was the usual wavering light from transmuting something, then a cracking boom as the thing I made separated from the floor. I turned around, wielding a long, double ended staff-sword. There was intricate engravings all along the weapon. I spun it in a quick circle before turning and thrusting it at Mustang’s face. The room around me erupted into sounds of rage, and there was a snapping sound and a burst of flame. I quickly spun the weapon in my hands, creating a whirling area of air that spun the fire away from me[All of this, perhaps other than the...fire dance... happened with Edward. God. Get some originality.].
After the officials were done freaking out at me, King Bradley stood up, gesturing for silence.
“None of you have the power to fail this talented young lady. Her other test results were outstanding. She has the talent, and she’s brave. I declare that she passes.” He said sternly, looking at me in a sort of appraisal. I met his eyes calmly, not blinking[Oh, Edward. I miss your male self. Your male, cool self.].
I was told to follow Mustang to his office, to sort out all the paperwork. Mustang sat behind his desk, looking smug.
“What’s the smile for?” I grumbled at him, irritated. He laughed, and I scowled.
“I’m just really happy that I discovered another very talented alchemist!” He said, sounding almost giddy[What? Giddy? Mustang? Does not compute!].
“Another?” I asked, surprised. Seems like hotshot here really gets out and looks[What's with your attitude? And what's with this insurbordination?].
“Yup. The Full Metal Alchemist, our youngest ever. Passed when he was 12. Seems like he’s more talented than you!” He said, pointing at me before opening the envelope of paper work. He read for a moment, explained it,[I want to know what this is about. Do you mean he read her acceptance letter? Doesn't it take a while to figure that shit out?] then started laughing again.
“What now?” I sighed, about ready to kick something. Mustang eyed me in amusement.
“Your name as a State Alchemist suits you perfectly. “
“Oh?”
“Yea.” He tossed the papers onto my lap. I looked down and picked them up. I head to re-read my new name a coupe[Un coupe? Qu'est-ce que tu veux dire? Stupide. Je ne comprends pas. I dislike typos. Especially when the typos are actual words.] of times before it sunk in. I passed.
“The Heartless Alchemist[I don't want to comment. It hurts to much.]? I’ll take it.” I said, my rough voice sounding vaguely pleased[Are you a man? what's with the "vaguely pleased"? Don't you know if you're pleased or not?].
“Yup. Told you it fits you. Here’s your watch, don’t lose it. It’s your identification as a State Alchemist. Congratulations, you’re now a dog of the military.” He said, tossing me the watch and chain. I caught it, clipped it to a belt loop, and tucked the watch into my pocket. I glanced at the clock, 12:00, noon. I stood to leave, trench coat billowing.
“What are you supposed to be dressed as? A mourning widow? A witch?[I love you Mustang. Thank you.]” Mustang called to me, just as I opened the door. -snap- He’s going to pay! I sharply clapped my hands together, touched them to the wall. A large pipe transmuted from the wall, and I turned a nozzle, spraying water all over the offending man.[He's not offending you. He actually wants to know. You should be stripped of your title right now you undeserving wretch for your lack of respect and your insuboordination..] He spluttered and swore at me, even as I stopped the water flow.
“What’s the matter, Lt. Colonel Useless?[Only Riza can call him that, bitch.] And don’t even think about using the things in water to create flammable gas. You’ll burn yourself too.” I snarled at him, slamming the door open and storming out. I thundered down two flights of stairs, then I stalked past a girl with knee-length black hair pulled into a ponytail. [the hell...?]She wore black and purple, and looked utterly astonished as I walked stiffly past her, paying her as much attention as I had the other long-banged girl.
I stormed down the stairs, out of the building and onto the street. I think I lost my temper…[No shit Sherlock.]
Rating: one spork for insuboordination, one spork for Jafanese, one spork for Ed!Clone, one spork for her bitchiness and anger towards Mustang which is incomprehensible.
Four. I want five.