Constructive vs. Non-constructive bitching
I was talking to a friend this evening when he started griping about one of his favorite subjects to gripe about. My usual response when he does this is to remind him that we've had this conversation several times before and that we have nothing new to say, so we might as well drop it. (It's not even that we substantially disagree about what he's griping about - I just don't see any point in dwelling in that negative space).
Anyway, tonight what I said was that I didn't want to engage in nonconstructive bitching. And it took me a minute but I managed to articulate some of the differences between constructive and nonconstructive bitching. Offhand, I could think of four kinds of bitching:
1. Bitching when you need to be heard about something. In this case the real purpose is to get something off your chest, so to speak, and then let go of it. And if you do it right, the person you're bitching to (or "venting" to, or whatever) is the sort of person who won't hold on to it either. So that kind of bitching generally does seem constructive.
2. Bitching for the purpose of trying to understand something, to gain insight. The purpose here isn't really to complain, but to get a deeper understanding, or to process. With the right kind of person, this kind of bitching really can be useful. Again, it helps if your audience is someone who appreciates the real value in this kind of bitching. Some people just don't see the value, and it's better if you don't do that kind of bitching to those people.
3. Bitching as a kind of passive call for help, or wanting to be rescued. I admit to doing a lot of this in the past, when I really couldn't see what I was doing. In general, this kind of bitching is not constructive. It doesn't get the kind of help you are looking for, and it seems to just help perpetuate the situation you're in. It would be far better to simply say "I am looking for someone to help me solve this problem with my life" or "I'm wanting someone to rescue me from this situation". Even if the request is ridiculous, if you can be honest that that's what you want, then you can move on and better make do with what you have.
4. Bitching because you are angry and you want someone else to share your anger. This is a way of looking for validation of your anger. I doubt that this is ever constructive. It gives you an excuse to dwell on negative energy and it reinforces negative energy in the listener. But I've done my share of this too, which is probably why I'm so sensitive to it now.
Anyway, this is something I've been trying to get a handle on for many years, ever since my then girlfriend complained about my constantly complaining. So I thanked my friend for giving me a chance to articulate this.
Anyway, tonight what I said was that I didn't want to engage in nonconstructive bitching. And it took me a minute but I managed to articulate some of the differences between constructive and nonconstructive bitching. Offhand, I could think of four kinds of bitching:
1. Bitching when you need to be heard about something. In this case the real purpose is to get something off your chest, so to speak, and then let go of it. And if you do it right, the person you're bitching to (or "venting" to, or whatever) is the sort of person who won't hold on to it either. So that kind of bitching generally does seem constructive.
2. Bitching for the purpose of trying to understand something, to gain insight. The purpose here isn't really to complain, but to get a deeper understanding, or to process. With the right kind of person, this kind of bitching really can be useful. Again, it helps if your audience is someone who appreciates the real value in this kind of bitching. Some people just don't see the value, and it's better if you don't do that kind of bitching to those people.
3. Bitching as a kind of passive call for help, or wanting to be rescued. I admit to doing a lot of this in the past, when I really couldn't see what I was doing. In general, this kind of bitching is not constructive. It doesn't get the kind of help you are looking for, and it seems to just help perpetuate the situation you're in. It would be far better to simply say "I am looking for someone to help me solve this problem with my life" or "I'm wanting someone to rescue me from this situation". Even if the request is ridiculous, if you can be honest that that's what you want, then you can move on and better make do with what you have.
4. Bitching because you are angry and you want someone else to share your anger. This is a way of looking for validation of your anger. I doubt that this is ever constructive. It gives you an excuse to dwell on negative energy and it reinforces negative energy in the listener. But I've done my share of this too, which is probably why I'm so sensitive to it now.
Anyway, this is something I've been trying to get a handle on for many years, ever since my then girlfriend complained about my constantly complaining. So I thanked my friend for giving me a chance to articulate this.