When nothing makes you happy anymore..

[flyingindreams3]

So lately I've been so depressed. my mom keeps saying its just my hormones from being pregnant mixed with my bi-polar disorder. I just can't help but think its more than that. So me and Justin are fighting. That's all we seem to be good at lately. This whole baby thing is just messing things up. We went to this pregnancy counseling thing after my dad and grandma begged us. it was pretty neat and very informative but its really got me thinking about just giving it up for adoption. I feel I will just ruin its life. I would just hate myself if it ended up as unhappy with itself and life as i am unhappy about me. There is also still so much I want to acomplish. I derfinatly don't want to stay at this job forever. I want to find something and go to school for it. Maybe its back to beauty school, maybe its writing, who knows but something. And this whole thing with Justin really comes down to the fact that I don't feel loved. My dream is to truly love someone who deeply loves me back. I mean he says he does and maybe i should just shut up and believe him but there is something inside me that keeps telling me not to. Plus words are just words and he doesn't show me he loves me, at least not very often. Being in this relationship brings me back to a day when I met someone. Someone i actually swore I dreamed of before I met him. He seemed perfect. He wasn't the absolute most gorgeous guy in the world but to me he was and everything about him was great. I loved every moment with him and thinking of him. Although he was way out of my reach, absolutly no way he could love me back so I never told him how I felt. So I spent a good amount of time loving someone who didn't love me back, I really wish you knew who you were. I feel that way again. I feel Justin is out of my reach that he could never truly love me. Actually I think its just that I feel that no one could truly love me. I'm so ugly I'm so fucked up! When will my life look up? When will I actually be happy with myself? When will I realize I am NOT the one worth leaving in fact I am great and deserve the best? Probably NEVER.

Someone talk to me, someone please hang out with me, I really need to do something.

-ashlee-