argh./..
Taking another angst pill today on a few things. 1) artwork. One of my friends, Heather has posted some BEAUTIFUL amazing artwork and she gets all of this nice feedback on it.... I post up art work ... and I get... nada... !!!! I have to PRESS people to get anything. WHAT does that mean????? It makes me feel like my art sucks or is disturbing or bothering them so no one wants to comment. What got me about Heather's art is that it has a similar quality to mine. Dark... nice... edgy ... def. on the dark side... a little scary.. but people still commented bravely soo what's the deal/ I have lots of friends..... is it really that they can't relate????? Makes me feel BAD> I wish I was better at validating myself and not looking to others for validation like that. One of my other friends, Lisa claims that when people post art to her, she doesnt answer back because she thinks they already know they are good yet it's funny because she does expect feedback on her art, writing, etc. lol. Sooooo... yeh. I think it's a common need. I think she was just trying to make me feel better in the past by saying that or maybe she does do that but doesn't realize that she herself has the same desire for feedback too from her friends and cohorts. Sigh.
2) Poetry. Now I know poetry is a harder one. I finally posted in the PTSD group. I posted a poem. I got 2 likes. I finally said.. thanks for the likes.... as in ???? and then one woman said it was well written and said she has a poetry group and said if i was interested in joining it, she would send me the link. Now first off, poetry is another thing I look for feedback on and often have issues getting opinions, reactions, etc. drives me nuts. I WANT to know how people are emotionally connecting or disconnection to my words. I want SOMETHING and instead i have nothing or an occasional.. wow thats great! What is that? nothing really.... In the PTSD group, I posted this:
this is a poem I wrote to try and assist me with my healing.... like most things.... it works on some days.. not others!:
Taking Back My Power
You tried to take my power
Through pain and control
You tried to break my spirit
Through many ways I know
You cause me great pain
And I even feel it now
But you see,
In my healing
I take back my power
Take it back to me
My souls becoming open
Giving self freedom from you
I no longer have use for you
I draw back what is mine
You will carry it in your head
As I shed it from my body
Dribbling out of my skin
Although my wings were broken
Mending they are finding
I will soar with fragile wings
Carrying with them, great power
I hope you never forget
That you TRIED to break me down
I give this pain back to you
And feed myself the power
The power that belongs to me
(May 13, 2007)
Oh okay, 4 people clicked like / Yay me. lol. Facebook Validation more important then my own!! Whoo hooo dysfunctional personality point 1.... grrrrrr. =(
Now another thing is that I spend a lto of time answering FB messages, validating others, trying to support others when I can. I do this out of my heart but when I'm having a hard hard time, I appreciate some of this back and I find often, this fails. I am finding that with my DBT group online and the moderator who Im supposed to be friends with. IDK.... she never posts on my having a hard time post but only on my good post yet she is pretty chronically in a bad state of mind. When I answer her or comment on her in group and out of group. she might answer back and she is appreciative but a lot of times she doesn't even comment back which really drives me up the wall because I dont know if what me and others are saying means anything. its like just sitting there in empty space. So anyways, I vented last night constructively looking for support and even though it hasnt been more then a day, I have gotten no comments. Then I see a post from the mod on her wall about how she is feeling lonely. It kinda bothered me that I have reached out to her a lot yet she didnt even bother to say one word to me on the DBT group she runs. Maybe Im expecting to much. So I commented and wrote some stuff I thought would be relevant to my journal here:
enting right now... so going through a lot right now... diabetes is out of control. so much so, I nearly was sent to the hospital. I had ketones in my urine and its all because i have a oral infection caused my grinding my teeth due to chronic pain and because I have TMJ and arthritis (Juvenile rheumatoid) I have issues all catching up with me. I get to have surgery tuesday. Yay me. =( The morphine I take for pain helps a lot but lately, b/c of the infection, my body is upset so pain has been a lot higher despite pain meds including nerve pain and i got meds for that too but its all mad at me. Sigh. Im supposed to be back in DBT but no call yet from the clinic. Ive asked... nada. Ive given up for now. I go to a young adult group there that I like but right now just feeling really tired and have little energy for anyone and can barely take care of me. They raised up my insulin doses for short and long acting. I'm off asprin to prepare for surgery. I'm still on 13 meds! ugh. Im tired, hurting, feeling emotionally vulnerable, moody. I havent slept at all last night. I was on antibiotics but i just finished them a few days ago and the abscess that went away came right back!!!!! figures with my immune system. I have had chills and heat and blah. I have been working on some skills but mostly not really wanting to think about them or not caring? I do have my rock my therapist gave me before we departed. I miss her. My rock is so beautiful. Its a crystal peacock ore. Google. Amazing! I have it on my table next to me and it gives me strength. The skills i work on the most is self care stuff. Last night, i watched episodes of a TV show I like "parenthood" and played farmville. I was to wide awake and hurting just alll over to get any sleep. I feel like i have been in a car accident this morning.
I guess I needed to vent. I vent little posts on my facebook pages but sometimes hardly anyone says anything. I guess they get sick of my whining and moaning. I have been journalizing which is good but I guess I still want some empathetic words I suppose.
Thanks for listening/reading if anyone out there is.
Now I do know and except that I am dealing with very high blood sugar... 400 thirty minutes ago. Im in PMS. I have a active infection brewing. I'm in a lot of pain and highly frustrated and I can only see MY side of the story. But hey, this is my journal, I can cry (vent) If i want to!!!! LOL.
Anyways,.. enough for now.
Ps- trying to decide if I should post this public b/c she could potentially read this and..... but then that could be good, no? idk.. lol. bah