(no subject)
X-posted to advice4teens
Well, I've been struggling with a really incredibly bad case of depression lately. I was reading something and it says (I don't know if it is true), but that 1 out of every 10 teen girls has major depression issues. Not like.. minor depression.. but suicidal depression. And I'm to the point where I'm beginning to think that I'm that 1 girl out of 10.
There's never a point where I'm happy anymore.. ever. I don't care about anything anymore.. I don't care about school, work, my violin playing (which I used to be good at until I stopped caring about and stopped practicing), and my bf. I used to love my boyfriend incredibly, and I just don't feel it liek I used to. I've cheated on him, and haven't regretted it. I NEVER EVER would have done that before. I feel like trash for doing it.
I'm sick now with this thing called Chiari I malformation, where a part of my brain is elongating and pushing into my spinal canal. It causes a bunch of really bad symptoms. I have dizziness, constant migrains, neck pain, joint pain, apnea, atrophy (ive lost some use in one of my lges somewhat), sensitivity to any light and noise, hearing loss, blah blah it goes on. But frankly, I can't do anythign anymore.. I'm totally impaired until I get surgery to fix it. The room starts to spin and I gt lightheaded if I even just stand or sit up for too long (around 15 mins).
I can't do anything anymore.. I feel so alone.. so lost.. with no point to my life. I'm not happy with myself, my boyfriend, my social life, my grades, my violin laying... nothing... ablsolutely nothing... and I've hurt my friends during this whole sick thing...and I only annoy them when I'm sick and stuff and say "hey can we stop here? I feel liek I'm gonna pass out"
I don't want to stick around any longer to hurt another friend. I give up.
I can't gothrough the day without wanting to cut. I can't go through more than 4 hours without bawling my eyes out. I don't know what to do. I won't even be able to njoy by birthday which is in late next month... I'm having surgery on my sweet sixteen.
I fucking HATE it all s MUCH! I hate being sick.. I hate not being able to have the life I had.. having fun, seeing my friends... I HATE my life so much no one would be able to comprehend.