(no subject)
The darkness is setting in, I'm scared. I haven't slept more than fifteen hours total in over a week. I'm exhausted but my mind is racing. My thoughts swirl around and my head spins. I'm dying slowly because I can't get any rest. I need rest. I just want rest. I look back at blogs from years ago and it's the same thing, sadness, fear, exhaustion. But this time, this time is different because this time, this time you had help, this time you thought things had changed, this time you thought you were better, THIS TIME you thought there was HOPE. Hope, that word, it's scary. Spencer says, "hope breeds eternal misery." You remember the first time you jokingly told Beverly that. You never thought you would be three years down the road wondering if it is true, wondering if to have hope is to set yourself up to get hurt, to just live in sadness.
I do not sit at home and wait for things to change without making changes myself. I have chosen to go back to work and school. I have made a conscious effort to get out of the house, no matter how painful and how exhausted I am, at least once every couple of days, and see my friends. While I make taking care of my health, both mental and physical a priority, I do not allow it to be my life because I believe that can be unhealthy in itself. I do not expect change when I do not make change. However, whenever I am doing my part, I expect something to happen and when it's not, I get discouraged and I spend my nights, those nights when I'm sitting up because I am too anxious and afraid to sleep, trying to figure out why my life can't be normal, can't just at least form some semblance of calm.
I am so exhausted, I cannot explain the point of exhaustion I am at. They say I was hallucinating at riverbend before I left for the state hospital and then more when I was at the state hospital. I do not remember this. The only reason I know I am hallucinating right now is because I will go to figure out where the sounds are coming from, and there is nothing there. When the whispers first started, I thought it was the neighbors, then I thought about it and realized I had no upstairs neighbors. The other night when I kept hearing the cartoons, I really thought I was going to come out and find cartoons on in the living room, when I came out and there were none on, I almost thought I was going to have a panic attack just because of that. It didn't help that the whole night had been awful too. And then when I heard whispers in my backseat, I knew there was no one there so I knew I was hallucinating, it was very bad. Things have been so bad. MarJo says she's not worried because she thinks it's the lack of sleep, but I am worried it could be more