Gwen Battle: Summer 2010 Entry
Title: Apologies: an Arthur and Guinevere FicMix
Creator: flute_genevive
Type of Submission: Fanfic/Fanart
Prompt: Apologies
Rating: G
Warnings: Spoilers for season two
Summary: Arthur doesn't quite live up to his promises. But then again, Gwen lets him fail.
Author's Notes: I was originally planning on this being just a mix, but the songs really needed a story. So I gave them one. Written for thefuturequeen 's Gwen Battle: Summer 2010
download the .zip for songs, art and stories
1. Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons
weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
Arthur had begun to oddly adjust his clothing - tugging at his sleeves, folding his hems, fiddling with a loose button - when he passed Gwen in the corridors. It was easier than meeting her eyes, easier than seeing her pain and definitely easier than showing her his own.
#
He remembered their conversation in her home, recalled it every night before he fell asleep.
I cannot be your queen
He wished her words weren’t true. But he couldn’t wouldn’t make it more than just that - a wish.
#
Arthur couldn’t meet her eyes because he wouldn’t justify their love, even as he lived it. And it felt like a lie to even give her hope, though he held on to it desperately.
#
“Arthur?” Her voice lilted through the door and wound its way around his heart. He touched the knob, but didn’t move the barrier between them.
“I can’t fix it, Gwen. I’m sorry.” His voice sounded foreign to his own ears, detached like he longed he could be.
He heard her sigh - a sob, perhaps, but he refused to admit it - and it ate at his lack of courage.
2. Apology by Our Lady Peace
You, you’re the sea
I’m the waves crashing on the ground
The ground under your feet
I’m a liar, a thief
And I’m an apology
You are my love
She had never felt smaller than when she pressed her hand against his door, only to be dismissed. Her fingers, the skin dried and cracked, caught on the grooves of the thick wood - muffling his weak attempt to console her and crush her.
“I can’t fix it, Gwen. I’m sorry.” It was cold, harsh, determined and unrelenting. It was the end. Final and cutting.
“I’m sorry I can’t be enough,” she replied.
#
More often than not, Gwen wished she could destroy the smallest seed of hope that he had planted in her soul. It wore her away; stripped her down to her basest insecurities and made her image in the mirror seem more and more worthless as more and more time passed. Arthur never even tried to make her his.
#
He was going to be the King of Camelot and she was nothing but a servant under his feet.
3. I’m Kicking Myself by As Tall as Lions
and if you told me that the world, was ending tonight
that's alright by me
hey babe
I feel as though, I failed you
I feel as though, you don't want me
I keep kicking myself
Arthur resorted to keeping track of Gwen’s daily activity through Morgana’s gossipy mutterings, through Merlin’s casually placed hints, through conveniently placed windows that looked out to the water pump and the lower town.
#
At dinner, with a blonde and dewy princess by his side, he watched Gwen standing behind Morgana’s chair. In bed, with a porcelain and brunette handmaid beneath him, all he saw was the token Gwen had given him to wear to combat, sitting on the top of the dresser. And in the morning, with the giggling girl hanging off his arm, he passed Gwen in the hall and felt as though he would be sick.
#
It was a betrayal on his part, and the worst kind of submission on hers.
#
Months had gone by and with each passing tryst day, Arthur sunk lower and deeper, until he landed on the bottom and simmered in his remorse.
4. Evening Kitchen by Band of Horses
You wasted my time
It's true, it's true
My god, don't you hold out your hand
I called off my plans
I counted on you, on you
In her kitchen, in her doorway, he had told her things may change. He had seemed so optimistic, and she had seemed to have so little faith.
Now, Gwen was the optimist and he the disappointment.
#
The fourth time she witnessed him bringing a strange, beautiful girl to his chambers, it stopped stinging. Instead, it was a numb, dull ache and she wanted to bang on the door and wail.
Why did she fall in love with him before he changed his mind about her?
#
Why did he wait to break her heart?
5. Redemption 1 by Bon Iver
We built a wall
Standing there, so big and tall
Keeping us
From the rust of what's hurting us all
To feel a spark
Of hope in the dark, no matter what the cost
To know that nothing
Ever will be completely lost
He watched her walk home from his perch at his window. Gwen was lacking the bounce in her step; the sway in her hips had vanished.
He had broken her and broken himself.
#
Arthur perpetually relived the last few months - every mistake, every unkind word, every dagger he drove into Gwen’s heart with a hammer of steel. He was continually brought to his knees.
I don’t know what I’d do if any harm came to her.
It was silly then, the way he’d thought harm could only come from enemies.
#
The months had aged him in a way battle never could. He had wisdom (it comes with regret) that he’d never hoped to gain. He saw things now that offered him a modicum of hope.
The barrier that he had put between them was entirely of his own making. A curse he had cast.
And if Arthur knew anything about curses, it was that the one who cast them had to be the one to remove them.
6. I Can’t Stay Mad At You by Camera Obscura
You can make me cry
you can break my heart
but I'll never say we're through
even when I cry, I can't stay mad at you
Dragging her hem in the muddy path, Gwen pulled the bucket of water back to her home to find the door hanging slightly open. The water splashed out onto the packed dirt of the entry way as she got close enough to see the person waiting by her kitchen table. Her hands fell limp at her sides. Arthur rushed to open the door further and pull her inside.
“I’m sorry, Guinevere.”
#
She cried and he apologized. She cried and he explained. She cried and he begged for forgiveness.
She cried and he held her.
#
Eight long, tortuous months of nothing but agony and Gwen couldn’t bring herself to hate him. Couldn’t even muster a bit of anger in his direction. Instead, she sank against him - exhausted - as he promised to make it all right again.
7. Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons
Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea and one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
You know me
But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
The sun had long since set when he finally let go of Guinevere. The streets were dark and empty - save for the sound of the sentries’ clanking armor as they patrolled. He didn’t hesitate, he wasn’t afraid, as he pulled open her door and kissed her once more before stepping out into the cool night. No one saw him.
He half-wished that someone had.
#
Arthur decides against hiding. It doesn’t suit him. He marches right into the hall, door banging loudly before the doormen can catch them and his belt buckle catching the sunlight. His father looks up, surprised.
“I need to speak to you.” The words hang there until Uther waves the others out with a vain fick of his wrist.
“Go ahead,” he replies warily.
Arthur pulls out a chair and sits down, hoping his father will do the same. He does. “I am requesting your permission to court.”
Uther makes a noise between a snort and a choke. “To court? Who?”
Arthur lowers his gaze.
Uther understands this is not a joke.
Arthur’s eyes meet his father’s.
Uther understands this will not be easy.
“Guinevere.”
#
There is an impossibly long pause.
(in which Arthur finds his thoughts drifting to Gwen and Uther thinks of nothing but Ygraine)
#
Uther opens his mouth and the air in the room seems to thicken until it weighs on Arthur’s chest like an anvil.
Uther nods once.