confidence + depression
do you ever feel like you get into this slump where you're not operating at all cylinders and you start to lose your confidence that you're doing well? whether it be at work or just in life in general...
for me it's work specifically. worktime is when i feel most useful but i have been feeling pretty useless. it feels like i'm not running at full capacity and it gives me anxiety (tbh i dont know if i like the term of phrase "giving me anxiety" since i've realized that it is your brain giving you anxiety. it's not the other thing. it's literally your brains response. in fact "giving" isn't the right word because it's being generated and "giving" sounds like something you can't take back or that you're stuck with. anyways..).
not drinking coffee really helps with my anxiety but sometimes i've noticed that my brain doesn't quite match the speed and efficiency that it did.
then you have to ask yourself: what is more important? running at all cylinders or your mental health? sorry, worklife, but i care more about taking care of my mental health. one day i'll get adjusted to no coffee life but for now i am drinking green tea and that's as much caffeine as i want.
i shouldn't rely on an external force to help me "work better" anyways. it's within myself and if i truly have the drive, it will all turn out fine. problem is that sometimes i dont have the drive. i think thats where the depression comes in. i am so distracted by my own thoughts and so easily distracted about everything that's around me and my energy can feel a little drained of its juices.
not sure what the point of this post is and i guess that doesn't really matter. my blog is usually a stream of consciousness anyways haha.
point is that i feel really inadequate and just stressed out. a family member on my husbands side passed away this week and since then death has been on my mind. was thinking yesterday about what if my mom died and had to push the thought away. also been dreaming about my grandma and it is just heartbreaking. in the dream i am happy and when i wake up i am sad.
it will work out in the end. it always does right?
whit