I am disgusted with myself
I just finished writing a letter to Dave, pouring my heart out to him. Listen to me carefully, because to most people this is initially going to sound counterproductive. This letter was a letter that cleared up misconceptions about how I've been behaving, and truths about Shane and I. No explicit details are given, they're not necessary, but I hope I get my point across. It's a 3.5 page written letter... I guess you could call it exhaustive.. I'm not sure that's the word I personally would really use.
I'm a very messed up individual... the fact that I wrote that letter is testament enough to that. I actually feel nauseous over the grief and conflict I've created. I think I'm going to be sick. I don't know what's right and wrong right now, I'm getting close to wanting to commit myself to a psych ward because I might soon become a harm to myself... no worries, I'm sure I'm not as sincere in that as I sound- though one can never be absolutely sure on the dualities of my psyche.
I want alcohol... actually, any weak substance to abuse would be great. That's a horrible thing to say, but I mean it. I would like to get high, or loaded right now. One or the other... it wouldn't even matter if I got so drunk that I was to get sick. That somehow doesn't matter... I just want to be out of my head in any sense but medical. It's kind of funny, in hindsight, that I said I wanted to paint my bedroom walls a different colour than white because of the clinical factor, and yet I'm ready to commit myself to the hospital because I'm losing my brain. Interesting. I wonder what my psychiatrist would have to say about that. He would probably tell me that I need different drugs, or that I'm just having issues... yeah no shit. I can't tell which way is up or who I love and who I don't and whether or not I should love or not..... yeah I would definitely agree on the having issues bit.
I've been a nerd lately and have been gaming with some friends of mine... I made a character who's bipolar ( I knew I could play that well... *eye roll*) and she has a morphine addiction. I just found myself thinking how nice it would be to have a little morphine right now... I mean, it's addictive, but I would tell someone that I had taken some and insist that they watch over me and make sure that I didn't take any more, it only makes sense. I'm not sure how well that would work, and I also don't know how long it really takes to become addicted to something. I used to take sleeping pills and I was never addicted to them even though they were considered to be highly addictive. I still have about 8 sleeping pills left and i might use one tonight..... but I don't use them very often at all. I got 20 about 2 months ago when I was having major sleeping issues... and like I said, I still have about 8 left.
Nynke was supposed to phone me to have me pick her up..... and she hasn't phoned. It's 2:10 AM... she wanted me to pick her up at 2AM from this fetish club because that's when the party ended, and I was to be her ride home. She said she'd phone when she wanted me to pick her up... but thus far, there has been no phone call. I attempted to phone her, but I got her answering machine and I left, how appropriate, a message. No call back as of yet. I'm not sure if I'm worried yet... seriously, I honestly can't figure out if I'm worried yet, that's how frigged I am. I feel sleep deprived even though I'm not. I've been getting quite ample sleep actually, which has been nice... but yeah, still fatigue fucked.
I keep hearing thumping and thinking it's someone coming up to the front door, hoping maybe it's Nynke or Dave. I want it to be either... or both. Then I could give the letter to Dave. I would not give the letter to Nynke, she would get angry at me for being a stupid sap. Am I being a sap? Yeah probably. I have two men that love me, one that treats me like gold, and one that I've grown accustomed to over 3.5 years who treats me well but still needs to learn a little more... and what do I do? I spend my time with the one that treats me like gold, and I explain myself to Dave, trying to get him to talk to me more about us, or the lack thereof, because I'm already feeling horrible. I knew I would. I knew I would feel horrible.
I'm sorry life, but right now, I hate you.
I'm a very messed up individual... the fact that I wrote that letter is testament enough to that. I actually feel nauseous over the grief and conflict I've created. I think I'm going to be sick. I don't know what's right and wrong right now, I'm getting close to wanting to commit myself to a psych ward because I might soon become a harm to myself... no worries, I'm sure I'm not as sincere in that as I sound- though one can never be absolutely sure on the dualities of my psyche.
I want alcohol... actually, any weak substance to abuse would be great. That's a horrible thing to say, but I mean it. I would like to get high, or loaded right now. One or the other... it wouldn't even matter if I got so drunk that I was to get sick. That somehow doesn't matter... I just want to be out of my head in any sense but medical. It's kind of funny, in hindsight, that I said I wanted to paint my bedroom walls a different colour than white because of the clinical factor, and yet I'm ready to commit myself to the hospital because I'm losing my brain. Interesting. I wonder what my psychiatrist would have to say about that. He would probably tell me that I need different drugs, or that I'm just having issues... yeah no shit. I can't tell which way is up or who I love and who I don't and whether or not I should love or not..... yeah I would definitely agree on the having issues bit.
I've been a nerd lately and have been gaming with some friends of mine... I made a character who's bipolar ( I knew I could play that well... *eye roll*) and she has a morphine addiction. I just found myself thinking how nice it would be to have a little morphine right now... I mean, it's addictive, but I would tell someone that I had taken some and insist that they watch over me and make sure that I didn't take any more, it only makes sense. I'm not sure how well that would work, and I also don't know how long it really takes to become addicted to something. I used to take sleeping pills and I was never addicted to them even though they were considered to be highly addictive. I still have about 8 sleeping pills left and i might use one tonight..... but I don't use them very often at all. I got 20 about 2 months ago when I was having major sleeping issues... and like I said, I still have about 8 left.
Nynke was supposed to phone me to have me pick her up..... and she hasn't phoned. It's 2:10 AM... she wanted me to pick her up at 2AM from this fetish club because that's when the party ended, and I was to be her ride home. She said she'd phone when she wanted me to pick her up... but thus far, there has been no phone call. I attempted to phone her, but I got her answering machine and I left, how appropriate, a message. No call back as of yet. I'm not sure if I'm worried yet... seriously, I honestly can't figure out if I'm worried yet, that's how frigged I am. I feel sleep deprived even though I'm not. I've been getting quite ample sleep actually, which has been nice... but yeah, still fatigue fucked.
I keep hearing thumping and thinking it's someone coming up to the front door, hoping maybe it's Nynke or Dave. I want it to be either... or both. Then I could give the letter to Dave. I would not give the letter to Nynke, she would get angry at me for being a stupid sap. Am I being a sap? Yeah probably. I have two men that love me, one that treats me like gold, and one that I've grown accustomed to over 3.5 years who treats me well but still needs to learn a little more... and what do I do? I spend my time with the one that treats me like gold, and I explain myself to Dave, trying to get him to talk to me more about us, or the lack thereof, because I'm already feeling horrible. I knew I would. I knew I would feel horrible.
I'm sorry life, but right now, I hate you.