She is such a flirt and I am the lonely heart
Talked to B last night for the first time in a long while. Played her Riceboy Sleeps and stroked her hair and tried not to think about how grown up I should be. Its really weird though because if I'm honest she is the one person closest to me and yet its like i'm not even a blip on her radar. She has always been right in the thick of it while I am pretty much a socail pariah these days but it is always me who gived; always me who includes her in what i'm going or thinking or feeling and its like she has no time for me and she doesnt even care.
Maybe thats always been my problem; i put everything i've got into every relationship but its as though it gets lost in translation and the other side thinks they don't know me, that i'm not trying. I am! I am giving everything I can give, every way i know how but it means nothing. It is because I am so unpredicatable the all anyone can see is what looks like multiple personalities, like they don't even know me, god the number of times I've had that said to me, but they do. Once I trust you, I trust you but I have no idea how to make everyone see that.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i've been feeling down today. B came back with all these stories and connections and I feel more invisible with every passing day and then I read some amazing brother!boyfriend fic like There Must Be Something in the Water by
liz_hollis and Just Pretend bysmallacts and got this little pain in my chest because Nick and Joe are just so best friends and I want that. There is a part of my brain going don't be silly, you are only seeing one side, seeing them drawing into oneanother for protection under the blinding light of the disney media machine but then I look at something like this;
and my heart just melts because they are so close like so much close than even the situation requires. Every inch of Joe's body is pressing in toward Nick's and his hand is so casual but reassuring on his shoulder and his legs are practically bracketing Nick's and its all too much for meeeee.
Have we ever even seen the boys have other friends, like apart from demi and their band etc? like is there anyone from their normal life they are close to? or is it just them against the world like i've always liked to believe?
Maybe i'm thinking about this all way too much
Maybe thats always been my problem; i put everything i've got into every relationship but its as though it gets lost in translation and the other side thinks they don't know me, that i'm not trying. I am! I am giving everything I can give, every way i know how but it means nothing. It is because I am so unpredicatable the all anyone can see is what looks like multiple personalities, like they don't even know me, god the number of times I've had that said to me, but they do. Once I trust you, I trust you but I have no idea how to make everyone see that.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i've been feeling down today. B came back with all these stories and connections and I feel more invisible with every passing day and then I read some amazing brother!boyfriend fic like There Must Be Something in the Water by
liz_hollis and Just Pretend bysmallacts and got this little pain in my chest because Nick and Joe are just so best friends and I want that. There is a part of my brain going don't be silly, you are only seeing one side, seeing them drawing into oneanother for protection under the blinding light of the disney media machine but then I look at something like this;
and my heart just melts because they are so close like so much close than even the situation requires. Every inch of Joe's body is pressing in toward Nick's and his hand is so casual but reassuring on his shoulder and his legs are practically bracketing Nick's and its all too much for meeeee.
Have we ever even seen the boys have other friends, like apart from demi and their band etc? like is there anyone from their normal life they are close to? or is it just them against the world like i've always liked to believe?
Maybe i'm thinking about this all way too much