I feel like a 7 year-old counting down the days to her birthday.

[flowra]

September 14th cannot come quickly enough. I am officially at the end of my Japanese style rope. Today when I was walking around in Sunshine Shitty (city pronounced Japanese style), looking at shirts with English words on them, I despaired. Not over anything particularly, but over my life here. Nothing comes easily here except for sweat and stares and gross salary men (pun intended). Actually, now that I think about it, that doesn't quite explain the despair. I guess it's that, from time to time, things here seem like they are specially designed to make me feel alienated. From people staring on the train, to people refusing to sit next to me, to kanji, to squid being put in everything, to people on the phone who talk too quickly, to... everything. Sometimes I just get tired of it all, and I want to sit down in the middle of the sidewalk and shut my eyes to the reality of what surrounds me. Close my eyes to the sights and sounds and stares and hope that when I open them I'll be somewhere else. I also have a fantasy of violently beating all store clerks to a bloody pulp when they say "IRASHAIMASEEEEE." When I was walking around in the mall, I mentally urged people to bump into me so I'd have an excuse to bump them back. Barely contained rage is present in most of my dealings nowdays. I found a Cinnabon today. It was in Sunshine Shitty in the basement, and after I audibly gasped, covered my mouth and sent a message to Alissa and Moire I almost got one; but I remembered that in two weeks I'll be in the country that invented Cinnabons, and didn't bother. I haven't told anyone in my dorm that I'm leaving yet. I think I'll tell them the day I leave, if only to avoid the huge deal they'll make of it. Maybe that's it... Maybe I just want to be left alone. I'm a 21 year old with frayed nerves and an ugly complex who is sick to death of having a trip to the grocery store seem like a monumental task; who is ready to walk down the street and not slow traffic; ready to live her life without it being a big deal; ready to live without feeling the weight of a bunch of eyes. The funny thing is, three days ago I thought I had made peace with Tokyo. I thought that this city and I were going to part on good terms. I saw this point coming, and made the decision to go home so I would never reach it. Maybe the fact that I saw it at all means that it was already here. I thought that Tokyo was a place where I do not belong, but where I could be comfortable if I needed to be. At this point I think I was wrong.

On the upside, I learned how to make gyoza and curry rice.