Gone [2/2]
Title: Gone [2/2]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Yifan’s feeling for Junmyeon never changes, even after twenty years.
[1]
If Junmyeon was being honest to himself, he couldn’t stand coming over to Yifan’s house for the last couple of days.
But Luhan’s smile was so bright every time he came by that Junmyeon didn’t have the heart to wipe that pretty smile off of his face.
He kept telling himself that it was just until the winter festival, which would be held in a few days. Just until then, and then he would go home.
Just a little bit more…
That morning, Junmyeon was woken up by the vibrating sound of his phone on the nightstand. He lazily cracked his eyes open and carelessly extended his hand to grab the phone. He almost knocked down the lamp in the process but then he managed to get his vibrating device. Junmyeon didn’t even bother to see who it was but then his eyes widened.
Since when he did unblock the incoming calls?
“Hello?”
“Finally!! Hyung!!”
Junmyeon became wide awake upon hearing the familiar voice. “Jongin! H-hello.”
“Did you just ‘hello’ me?? Twice?? Never mind that for now. Most importantly, why the hell did your phone reject all my calls?? Did you not read my long-assed emails?? Is there no Wi-Fi around? Didn’t I tell you to call back?”
“You did?” Junmyeon quickly covered his mouth with his hand. “I mean…yeah, you did. Uh. Well, I was…busy.”
“Busy doing what?”
“…enjoying my holidays?”
Jongin sighed loudly at the other line. “Hyung, you said you’d only be gone for a couple of days. It has been more than a week. Mom’s worried about you, you know. Heck, we’re all worried about you.”
“Is she really, Jongin?” Junmyeon said bitterly and he became emotional at the topic of his mother. “She doesn’t care about me. All she cared about is her dignity. She wanted me to go home because she cannot wait for me to take over the hospital. Ever since Father passed away...she’s been forcing me to do everything.”
“Whoa, I’m so sorry Hyung, but I didn’t intend to call you so that you can lash out on me. And as much as I understand what you feel, it…can’t be helped, Hyung. She’s under a lot of stress, too.”
Junmyeon mentally facepalmed. “I know…” He paused for quite a while before continuing, “But you know what? You can be the heir, Jongin. You’re more talented in this than I am. I can ask the lawyer to change everything and-“
“Hyung. It’s your job as the oldest son. Besides, it only applies if you die and don’t even dare to think about it.”
“But what if I don’t want to?” Junmyeon groaned. His mind flew to Yifan and his heart ached at the thought of the handsome male. “What if I want to do something else, like…”
Like staying here.
“Hyung…where are you?”
Junmyeon inhaled deeply. He didn’t want to tell Jongin where he was. Junmyeon wanted to stay, but of course it was impossible. Why would he want to stay, when pain was all he would get in return?
As long as Luhan was around…
“I’ll be home in a few days, Jongin…”
Jongin didn’t sound too convinced, but then he said, “Promise me?”
“Un. I promise you…”
***
A few days passed by like in a breeze.
Before Junmyeon realized it, it was already time for the winter festival.
He waited for Yifan and Luhan to show up at the inn that night, but they were unusually late. Junmyeon kept on glancing at his wristwatch, hoping that they would arrive soon. Perhaps Yifan was busy deciding how many layers Luhan should wear for tonight…the weather was very cold, after all.
But when it was already more than an hour to their appointment time, Junmyeon had a feeling they weren’t coming.
Junmyeon then decided to just go to the festival all by himself. He left the message at the front desk, just in case Yifan and Luhan finally came.
It was cold and everyone was wearing thicker clothes, but it was chiseled in their faces that they were happy. All Junmyeon saw was smile and laugh adorning their faces, perhaps because they still got the chance to celebrate Christmas with people they cared about.
Junmyeon sighed.
He used the chance to think.
The reason why he wanted to go back to the village was because of Yifan.
But most of all, it was because of his father’s death, who passed away two months ago. It was so sudden. None of them had expected it because his father wasn’t sick at all. But if God wanted it to happen, then it happened. And as the oldest child, Junmyeon was quickly burdened with everything.
Junmyeon knew his life had changed completely when they moved to Seoul.
His father wasn’t as happy as he was when he was still living in the village. Junmyeon felt suffocated because he had to learn everything, and he meant everything. Business. Foreign languages. Music. Dancing skills. Table manners. Basically just everything to support his role as the next heir. He nearly didn’t have time to breathe, moreover informing Yifan his address. His free time was always used up for studying and practicing.
That was why when his mother told him that he was going to take over the hospital and that he needed to be a skilled surgeon, Junmyeon almost snapped.
Why did they keep on forcing him to do the things he didn’t like…?
Couldn’t they see how unhappy he was…?
When was the last time he even felt happy…?
Junmyeon remembered crying silently in his room throughout the night and that was when he decided to go back to the village. If only it was possible, he wanted to go back to the time before all this.
Because his happiest times were when he was with Yifan.
Junmyeon halted his steps when several kids were laughing and running in front of him. He noticed each of them had food in their hands, and Junmyeon remembered Luhan mentioning something about cotton candy…
Luhan.
When he decided to go back to the village, he certainly never would have thought that someone else would be there with Yifan. Just thinking about it brought so much pain to his chest.
But… Luhan was so pretty and delicate, and to be honest, he looked very good together with Yifan. And Yifan had the right to find someone to make him happy…
Junmyeon sniffed sadly.
He just wished it was him…
Junmyeon stared blankly at the food stalls for a while and he decided to buy various foods for Luhan. Perhaps due to the cold weather, he couldn’t get out of the house. He did say something about it… Junmyeon pressed his lips together into a thin line. He said he would only stay until the festival, right? Since he was going back tomorrow, he should probably leave with good impressions…
So Junmyeon bought all the foods he could get and went to Yifan’s house without hesitation.
When Yifan opened the door and he found out that it was Junmyeon, he looked surprised, and yet relieved.
Luhan was even happier upon seeing him and he squealed in delight when he spotted the foods in Junmyeon’s hand.
It was probably just Junmyeon’s imagination, but Luhan looked even paler that night. It had only been a few days, but the pretty male had gotten thinner, so thin that it made Junmyeon shudder slightly. He mentally wished that Luhan didn’t have to suffer in this winter. Perhaps his parents should’ve brought him someplace else that wasn’t this cold.
They ended up chatting all night just the two of them in the bedroom.
It was funny because the way Luhan talked to him made Junmyeon feel like they had been friends for years.
Sure, Junmyeon was actually jealous at the fact that Luhan got to be close with Yifan, but the other male wasn’t a bad person. In fact, if it was Luhan…who was very kind...Junmyeon felt like he could be sincere about it and give them his blessings.
Even though it was so hard…
“Junmyeon,” Luhan said all of a sudden. “I never ask you this, but…how did you meet Yifan again?”
Junmyeon was taken aback at the question. “Eh?”
“I’m sorry, I just had to ask. I had the feeling you guys knew each other…” Luhan smiled sincerely. “It was just…when you passed by in front of the house and I came out to chase you, his expression upon seeing you was…disbelief. Like he couldn’t believe his eyes or something…”
“It’s probably just your imagination,” Junmyeon lied. “It’s probably because he didn’t think you have any…friends.”
Luhan batted his eyelashes several times. “Friends…yeah. Speaking of, you’re my friend, Junmyeon. You’re a very good friend.” He chuckled lightly but it soon turned into a cough. “If you didn’t bump onto me that very day…”
“Lu,” Yifan softly knocked on the door, causing the two of them to stare at him. The door was slightly ajar and Yifan walked into the room with a glass of water and several types of medicine. “It’s late. You should drink your medicine.”
Luhan pouted disapprovingly. “Do I have to? I still want to talk to Junmyeon…”
“You can talk to him tomorrow. You should rest for tonight.”
Junmyeon turned his head to look at Yifan, but the latter had already turned around to exit the room. Tomorrow? Just how much longer do you want me to stay? He pursed his lips in annoyance, but it soon dissipated when he saw the medicine Yifan brought. Junmyeon only needed a swift glance to know what they were for.
Cancer.
Luhan coughed again, but this time it was a bit violent. The male snatched several plies of tissues and pressed them against his mouth. Junmyeon instinctively placed his hand on Luhan’s shoulder, as if hoping for it to stop soon.
When it did, Junmyeon saw traces of blood on the corner of Luhan’s lips and his expression turned horror.
“Luhan-“
“Don’t worry,” Luhan chuckled weakly and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “This happens a lot lately…”
“What? Have you gone to the doctor?”
“I have. For too many times that I’ve lost count. They said there was nothing else could be done,” Luhan huffed painfully. “And I feel like my family has shed enough tears for me, so it’s alright. I couldn’t stand to see my Mother bawled her eyes out every night…”
Junmyeon was speechless at that. Despite the fact that he was ill, Luhan sounded very strong.
“And I should take my medicine now, but if I do, I’ll fall asleep… I still want to talk to you…” Luhan said in exasperation and clutched his chest. “But if I don’t, it’s very painful…my chest…”
“Please, don’t talk anymore…you need to rest, Luhan…”
Junmyeon watched intensely as Luhan popped the pills into his mouth and gulped down the rest of the water. He scrunched his face in distaste at the taste of his medicine and sighed softly. Junmyeon then helped Luhan as the latter tried to find a comfortable position and pulled his blanket until it covered his chest.
“Get well soon,” Junmyeon whispered.
“Junmyeon, will you promise me one more thing?” The pretty male earned a nod in reply. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but… If I’m not around anymore…will you take care of Yifan?”
Junmyeon visibly tensed. “That’s-“
“Promise me?”
“I…” Junmyeon trailed off because Luhan was glaring at him. “I promise. But you’re still going to be around, Luhan…”
Luhan smiled as he fluttered his eyes close.
“It’s so tiring…with all of this… If it’s you, I’m glad, Junmyeon…”
Junmyeon waited until Luhan’s breath became steady, a sign that he was already asleep. He did his best not to make a sound as he headed to the door to exit the room.
He felt like crying.
***
Junmyeon walked out of the room almost inadequately.
“Is he asleep?”
Junmyeon lifelessly looked at Yifan and he thought about the pain the latter had been going through.
Losing his family, living all by himself, taking care of the farm…and then he met Luhan, but the male probably didn’t have much time left…
It hurt Junmyeon.
Junmyeon’s eyes became teary and without thinking, he collapsed into Yifan’s arms. Yifan seemed shocked at the sudden gesture, but he did nothing to push him away. If anything, he just pulled Junmyeon tighter into his embrace. Junmyeon buried his face against Yifan’s chest, faintly feeling the taller male’s heartbeat against his forehead.
I love you.
He had realized his feelings ever since he moved to Seoul. All these times, it wasn’t brotherly feeling that Junmyeon felt toward the taller male. It was a lot more than that.
He loved Yifan so much, it hurt…
Junmyeon finally pulled away after a few moments and his eyes were red as he looked up at the handsome male. His lips were trembling as he gathered his courage to utter,
“He’s so lucky to have you…to have you love him…”
Yifan said nothing in reply. Junmyeon sobbed as he slowly let go of Yifan but within seconds, Yifan grabbed his arm tightly. Junmyeon glanced up in surprise.
“Yi-Yifan…?”
“I never stopped loving my first love.”
“Yifan-“
“I’m holding his arm right now.”
Junmyeon’s eyes widened.
M…me?
He knew he was supposed to say something to counter it, but he was too stunned at the words to even react.
Yifan sighed exasperatedly and his expression turned sour. “Why now, Junmyeon? All these years, I’ve been waiting for you all my life, I’ve been waiting for you to come back. Everyday, I hope for the day to come, for you to suddenly show up and jump back into my life. I was so happy when I found out someone was moving into the house-yours, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you…”
Junmyeon didn’t have the strength to say anything. Yifan’s grip was starting to hurt his arm.
“When Luhan came by and introduced himself, I thought…perhaps the wait was over. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. I tried, but I couldn’t. I never could…” Yifan pulled Junmyeon closer into his arms, his pained expression hurt the latter just as much. “Why did you come back, Junmyeon…?”
Junmyeon’s tears fell onto his cheeks as he leaned into Yifan’s touch. He thought of lying, but after years of holding back…was there any use to do so now? So Junmyeon told him the truth.
Yifan deserved the truth…
“I came back to see you...”
***
They were sitting side by side on the couch.
Junmyeon’s thigh was pressed against Yifan’s and their position was a bit (too) close, but he didn’t want to move away. It was nice to have Yifan close like this, and Junmyeon wanted nothing else at the moment. Neither of them said anything, both were too busy with their own thoughts. Junmyeon’s eyes were getting distant as he watched the fire flickering on the hearth.
All this time, Yifan was waiting for him…
It made Junmyeon happy just to think about it. His mind went to Luhan but right then, just this once, he wanted to ignore it. Yifan deserved an explanation after all these years, so Junmyeon gathered his courage and initiated the conversation.
“My father…”
Yifan glanced at him briefly.
“…passed away two months ago.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“When I moved to Seoul…” Junmyeon intertwined his fingers together as he let out a sigh. “Everything became different. My parents had a lot of burdens on their shoulders. They were too busy taking care of the family matters that they stopped smiling. And then they started choosing my friends for me. They started deciding everything and reasoned that it was for the sake of my future.”
He turned to look at Yifan.
“I never wanted to be a doctor, Yifan. But I had to. If only I had the strength, I’d gladly choose to be a farmer and continued living here…with you. But there was nothing I could do. My father just passed away, but it was like…his death only made us suffer more. Just a few days after that, my lawyer told my mother that in case of emergency, I’d be pointed to be the next heir. As the oldest child, I had a feeling it would happen sooner or later, but I’m just…”
“…tired,” Yifan finished his sentence for him and Junmyeon nodded weakly.
“I know that it’s futile to resist, but…before I gave in to their request…” Junmyeon exhaled softly through his nose. “I decided to come back here.”
“Did you regret it?”
Junmyeon caught Yifan’s gaze and the latter’s black orbs showed that he was worried. Junmyeon broke into a kind smile and shook his head.
“Never. If anything, I’m really glad I did…”
Although you have Luhan now.
Yifan’s eyes softened and he lowered his gaze to Junmyeon’s lips.
Junmyeon felt his face flaming when he realized where Yifan’s line of sight went to and he became nervous. Something told him what was going to happen, which he was supposed to prevent it from happening, but a huge part of him selfishly wanted it to happen…
“Junmyeon,” Yifan whispered and Junmyeon’s heart started. The taller male carefully shifted closer, as if to warn Junmyeon what he was about to do. Yifan lifted up his hand to caress Junmyeon’s cheek, making sure that he wouldn’t be rejected before closing the gap between them.
Was it conscious, or was it unconscious, Junmyeon didn’t know.
But the way Yifan gently pressed their lips together was real, and it made Junmyeon feel sad.
There was an enormous spark within Junmyeon’s chest the moment their lips met, because god, it was all he ever wanted. His feelings were so big that it was as if they wouldn’t fit anymore in his chest and they were about to burst. Junmyeon felt Yifan licking his lower lip and he could barely breathe at the sensation.
If he thought his feelings for Yifan was just a childhood crush, then he was wrong.
He was so wrong.
Junmyeon gasped when Yifan slid one hand underneath his sweater and deliberately touched him. “Yi-“
“Don’t make a sound,” Yifan whispered against Junmyeon’s lips as he pushed the latter so that Junmyeon was underneath him.
“B-but-“
“The medicine is strong. He won’t wake up in a few hours.”
“But-“
“But if you want me to stop, then I will.”
Junmyeon’s hesitation dissolved after hearing those words. He feebly shut his eyes and managed to shake his head, and Yifan leaned down to kiss his neck.
I’m all yours…
I’ve always been yours…
Yifan really took his time to undress Junmyeon.
Junmyeon knew Yifan didn’t mean to tease him-Yifan’s expressions had always been easy to read. The taller male was just cherishing every moment they had together. Layer by layer, Junmyeon let Yifan strip him, while at the same glancing at the wooden door, half afraid Luhan would come out any minute.
When Yifan spread Junmyeon’s legs and hooked them around his waist, Junmyeon knew everything was never going to be the same. The moment Yifan inserted himself into Junmyeon’s entrance, he voicelessly cried. The sensation caused Junmyeon almost unable to hold back his voice. It came out as a weak gasp when Yifan rocked gently into him, each thrust causing Junmyeon to nearly lose his mind.
“Yifan,” Junmyeon whispered automatically loud when Yifan hit the spot inside him. If it was just that one time, it wouldn’t be a problem. But perhaps even without words, Yifan knew what the shorter male was thinking about and he continued to hit on the same spot.
Junmyeon breathlessly threw his head back as he unconsciously clawed Yifan’s arm. His needy whisper and suppressed moan threatened to escape his lips any minute now.
No, I can’t… Luhan…
Junmyeon definitely would’ve cried out loud the moment he reached his climax, if it hadn’t been for Yifan who deliberately claimed his lips. His voice was muffled weakly against Yifan’s lips, and as if the latter understood, Yifan didn’t seem to have any intention to separate their lips soon.
Sweaty, panicked kisses slowly turned into gentle, calming ones.
When Junmyeon was calmed down, it was then Yifan broke their kisses. Junmyeon was still a bit breathless, but the feeling was different than before.
He wasn’t anxious anymore.
Junmyeon tiredly rested his head against the cushion, exhausted from their love-making earlier. Yifan affectionately caressed Junmyeon’s hair and he leaned down to kiss his eyelids.
I love you.
It was the last thing Junmyeon heard Yifan said before he fluttered his eyes close and let the slumber took over.
I love you too, Yifan…
Did he say it out loud or it was just a thought, he didn’t remember.
***
“Are you really leaving, Junmyeon?”
Junmyeon gasped upon hearing the soft voice. He glanced up casually, hoping that Luhan wouldn’t notice his nervousness, but the pretty male’s despondent expression made him hold his breath. Junmyeon swallowed.
“Can’t you stay for another day…?”
Junmyeon smiled apologetically. Luhan was sad about him leaving, but it was impossible for Junmyeon to stay even just for another day. Jongin would kill him for real if he didn’t come home today, and of course...
Yifan.
Junmyeon almost choked on nothing.
The very same moment, Yifan walked into the living room for a brief second, before he realize that he had forgotten something and went back to his bedroom. Junmyeon’s heart beat faster than a race car at the sight of the taller male. Yifan’s appearance just made him feel more nervous and he bit his lower lip a bit hard, hoping the temporary pain would make him forget.
“I’m sorry. I…promised my brother that I would go back as soon as the festival is over…”
“Ah,” Luhan nodded understandingly, but disappointment was clearly showed underneath his voice. “Well, thank you for being my friend, Junmyeon. It really means a lot to me…”
I’m not that kind, Luhan…
“Are you ready to go?”
Both Luhan and Junmyeon stared at Yifan.
Junmyeon awkwardly nodded. “Yeah, but… Is it really okay? You don’t have to walk me to the bus station, Yifan… I mean, Luhan needs you here.”
Luhan waved a hand dismissively and snorted as he rolled his eyes. “Please, Junmyeon, I insist. And don’t drag Yifan into this-this is my request. I wish I’m strong enough to walk you too to the bus station, but the weather is so cold…so I’ll just stay here.”
“We should get going then,” Yifan said as he glanced at the clock. “The bus will depart in half an hour…”
“Yes…”
Junmyeon stood up and his gaze unconsciously lingered to the couch. Something strange bubbled within him. It still felt like a dream… He didn’t know what time it was, but he faintly recalled Yifan carrying him to the guest room last night and gently put the pajamas on him. And when Junmyeon woke up, his backpack was already there-Yifan must’ve gone to the inn for him...
It was probably a sign for him to stay, but Junmyeon knew he couldn’t.
Not after last night…
“Well then, I guess this is goodbye.” Luhan broke into a beautiful smile. “Goodbye, Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon smiled back and gave the other male a sincere nod.
“Goodbye, Luhan…”
***
The trip to the bus station was painfully quiet.
But neither of them seemed to mind.
Yifan took the liberty to hold Junmyeon’s backpack for him and he didn’t feel like protesting. The blond-haired male was standing too close beside him and Junmyeon had to admit that it felt nice. He loved the feeling whenever the tall male was near. Their height difference was a pain, but Junmyeon was glad Yifan was a whole lot taller than him.
It somehow made him feel protected.
“Thank you.” It was Yifan who finally broke the calmness and it got Junmyeon to look at him. “For staying.”
“Don’t mention it… It’s the least I could do,” Junmyeon shook his head. They continued to walk together and this time, Junmyeon decided to be the one to start talking. “Luhan…”
“Hm?”
“I was just wondering… Shouldn’t you try to call his parents and tell them his condition…?”
“I did.”
“What did they say?”
“They said please make Luhan happy.”
Junmyeon gaped disbelievingly and turned to look at Yifan. “What? That’s all they said?”
“Yeah…”
“That’s…cruel. Knowing that their son is sick and…probably dying…”
Yifan grimaced darkly and he looked away, not wanting to continue the conversation anymore. Junmyeon pouted slightly at that because he thought Yifan have should never stopped trying to contact Luhan’s parents.
“Junmyeon.”
“W-what?”
“Will you be back?”
Junmyeon was very taken aback at the sudden question that he slowed his steps down. When Yifan realized Junmyeon had stopped walking, he peered over his shoulder. He was quiet, but his gaze showed that he demanded an answer.
“I…”
“I’m not giving up.”
Junmyeon bit his inner cheek. “Yifan…”
“I’m not,” Yifan said sternly. “Giving up on you, Junmyeon.”
“Stop.”
“I’ll wait for you.”
“Please, stop…”
“I’ve waited twenty years for you.”
“This conversation is over.”
“It’s not a problem for me to wait for another twenty years.”
“Don’t you get it? Luhan needs you!!” Junmyeon cried out painfully. He could feel his tears were threatening to fall and his chest hurt so badly, but he needed to say it. “Stop waiting for me. There’s someone beside you, who cares for you, who…loves you.” Junmyeon shut his eyes upon the L word. “And he-he deserves it, Yifan…”
Yifan wordlessly dropped his gaze to the ground. The wind blew softly around them, and it was then they realized it was snowing.
Junmyeon gazed up disbelievingly. He extended his hand, as if he wanted to catch the snow. From the corner of his eye, Junmyeon could see Yifan watching him solemnly, and it made his heart stutter. He carelessly fished his hand into his pocket, searching for something. When he found it, he handed a piece of paper to Yifan, earning the latter to frown at him.
“What’s…this?”
“This is my address,” Junmyeon stated bashfully. “But only because I feel bad about leaving without saying anything twenty years ago.”
Yifan’s eyes widened and Junmyeon took the opportunity to grab his backpack and turn around.
“Jun-“
“Goodbye, Yifan.”
And then Junmyeon ran away as soon as possible to the bus station. He told himself not to look back, even if Yifan was calling out his name. His face felt really cold as he ran in the snowy weather and his body felt numb.
When Junmyeon arrived at the bus station, it was then he looked back.
No one was there.
Yifan really didn’t go after him…
Junmyeon laughed softly to himself, as if to tell himself that it was exactly what it was supposed to be. It was what he expected, but still, it felt painful when it really happened…
It was probably for the best.
With that, Junmyeon left his hometown.
***
Christmas parties and celebrating New Year made Junmyeon forget about Yifan.
His life in Seoul was certainly different than the one he had in the village. Everyday there were things that he needed to do, and it managed to distract him from anything else.
When Junmyeon got back home still in one piece, his mother and Jongin were so relieved. His mother told him that he didn’t have to be a skilled surgeon if he didn’t want to, as long as he would take over the hospital. It was fair enough, Junmyeon thought.
Weeks went by so fast like in a blink of an eye and before Junmyeon realized it, winter was almost over. Spring was at its peak, and Junmyeon was glad because everywhere he went, flowers were starting to bloom. They were so pretty and it somehow reminded him of Luhan.
Luhan.
Junmyeon sincerely wished Yifan and Luhan were happy. That what happened between him and Yifan was an awful mistake. And there was nothing he could do to reverse everything but to stay away from Yifan as far as possible…
One day, Junmyeon received a letter from Yifan.
Junmyeon only needed to give it a swift glance to understand that Luhan was no longer breathing in this world.
Tears blurred his vision as he tried to focus on each word. His fingers were trembling and he had to read the letter for three times before realizing that it really happened.
Luhan passed away on New Year. The pretty male just went to sleep…
…and he never woke up again.
When Yifan found him, Luhan’s expression was so peaceful. A small smile graced upon his lips, like he was only in deep slumber, and not leaving the world eternally…
Luhan’s death saddened Junmyeon badly.
Junmyeon locked himself in his room as he buried his face against the pillow, not wanting everyone else to find out. His shoulders were shaking as he sobbed silently.
Why did Yifan wait that long to inform Junmyeon…?
Why couldn’t he just tell Junmyeon right away…?
Why…?
He’s waiting for you, a small part of Junmyeon said. He wants to know if you’ll go back even with Luhan around…
No, the other part of him countered. He just didn’t want you to go back because Luhan is dead…he wants you to go back because you want to.
Junmyeon felt frustrated. He was tempted to go back to the village, but he was scared. He kept telling himself that being apart with Yifan was his punishment for being cruel to Luhan…. But at the same time, Junmyeon felt like it was unfair to leave the blond-haired male alone, now that he knew it.
Perhaps Yifan can’t stand the loneliness anymore…
Yifan must be all by himself, now that Luhan was gone…
No one there beside him…
Junmyeon cried himself to sleep that night with Yifan’s letter was held tightly to his chest.
The letter somehow smelled like apples, and it made Junmyeon miss him…
He missed Yifan so badly.
***
Even so, Junmyeon never went back to the village.
And Yifan had never contacted him again ever since.
Slowly, but surely, Junmyeon was starting to be able to forget. His heart still felt a pang sometimes when he thought about Luhan, but that was it. Regret was built within him when his mind went back to the village-and Yifan-but even until then, Junmyeon didn’t understand if he regretted hurting Luhan…
…or he regretted not telling Yifan the truth about his feelings.
It confused him so much that Junmyeon was starting to feel miserable.
Jongin asked him if something was wrong, but Junmyeon never told him anything. His younger brother’s judging gaze hurt him, but he knew Jongin just wanted him to be happy.
But how could he be happy…?
Junmyeon didn’t know anymore.
Around May, Junmyeon received a package. The male stared at it for a very long time before deciding to finally unpack it. With trembling hands, Junmyeon tore the wrapping paper, each movement caused his heart to beat even faster.
There were letters.
Junmyeon held his breath as he took some of them into his hands. No, they weren’t letters, he thought to himself. They were…
...birthday cards.
Realization dawned upon Junmyeon as he realized that these were the cards Yifan had written for him every year ever since he had left, but the taller male had never gotten the chance to send them because he didn’t know Junmyeon’s address. Junmyeon instinctively smiled to himself as he saw Yifan’s scrawny handwriting on the cards he wrote when he was a kid had morphed into tidy, beautiful handwriting on the newer ones. He unconsciously counted that there were twenty-one birthday cards-matched the amount of years he left him.
Junmyeon’s hand trembled slightly when he finally got to the last card.
Happy birthday, Kim Junmyeon.
Please, always be happy.
I’ll wait forever until you’re ready.
It was like there was a sudden storm in Junmyeon’s chest because he felt terrible. His stomach was jolted with a mix of everything-guilt, regret, longing, love-as he stood up. Junmyeon covered his mouth with his hand with teary eyes, before realizing that all this time, he was miserable for leaving Yifan, and for not telling the latter that he was hopelessly in love with him.
Junmyeon, unable to think anymore, turned around to run to his room and started packing after placing the cards on his bed.
“Hyung?”
Junmyeon halted and he audibly gasped as he looked at Jongin. His brother was standing by the doorway, frowning slightly upon seeing his expression. Jongin’s line of sight then went to the bed where Yifan’s birthday cards were placed, and he somehow understood.
“Jongin-“
“Go,” Jongin urged.
Junmyeon almost cried in relief and nodded. His feelings were a mess right now, and he didn’t know if he would be able to hold his tears, but he finally understood what he wanted.
He wanted to fulfill his promise to Luhan.
Most of all, he wanted to see Yifan.
***
Junmyeon absently glanced outside the window.
It was weird, because it was the first time for him to ever feel this impatient about something. If it was possible, Junmyeon wanted the train to go even faster. He spent nearly two hours fidgeting on his seat, wondering what he should say when he met Yifan.
But planning was a lot easier than doing it.
Junmyeon got cold feet the moment he arrived at the village, and he almost took the same bus to go back to the train station. Fortunately he didn’t do it, or else the rest was only history now.
The weather was so much warmer now, but the atmosphere stayed the same.
Junmyeon smiled as he saw children laughing and running around with fewer layers of clothes. Some people turned to look at him, but this time, they gave him their smiles-perhaps because they’ve seen his face before-which Junmyeon returned by instinct.
His steps finally came to a stop when Yifan’s house came to his sight.
Junmyeon paused by the gate and he hesitated.
There was no one in the yard, and he didn’t know if Yifan was home… It occurred to Junmyeon to turn around and stay at the inn until he was certain of what to do, but then he heard someone calling out his name.
“Junmyeon?”
Junmyeon glanced up in surprise.
Yifan closed the door behind him and waited for a moment, as if to make sure that he was real. That Junmyeon came back. That Junmyeon was there by the gate.
Junmyeon’s eyes softened as he opened the gate, and it made a creaking sound.
Have you been waiting for me…?
Have you been looking constantly towards the gate, waiting for me…?
Tears fell to Junmyeon’s cheeks when Yifan suddenly quickened his steps and dashed to his direction.
And then their lips met in the sweetest kiss, and Junmyeon kissed back as if to say that he wasn’t gone…
End.
“Will Junmyeon be back…?”
Yifan was snapped out of his reveries and directed his gaze to Luhan.
“You’ve been staring at the gate for days,” Luhan said with amusement and Yifan nonchalantly gazed back at the gate. “If this keeps on happening, you’ll probably end up sleeping by the window, too…”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You don’t have to be…” Luhan thoughtfully pressed a finger against his lips. “But seriously, will he be back…?”
“…I don’t know.”
“Did you tell him you love him?”
Yifan snapped his head so fast to Luhan that it made the latter to flinch in surprise, afraid Yifan’s neck would crack. “H-how…?”
“Yifan,” Luhan pretended to be in dismay by clicking his tongue. “It didn’t take a genius to know what you feel toward each other. Honestly…” He shrugged as he dropped his gaze to the carpeted floor. “I thought it’d be…okay, you know. You’ve kindly accepted me, although you felt nothing towards me. And it was okay, because it was going to be just the two of us. But then…”
“You don’t have to do this, Luhan.”
“But I want to, Yifan.” Luhan’s eyes flickered with sadness and he hugged himself , as if to gather the courage to continue. “But when Junmyeon showed up…your eyes…they contain so much emotion, it hurts. It was something you’ve never done before. And I know from that moment that I will, no, no one would ever win from him… That’s why…”
“Luhan.”
“It’s alright for you to leave,” Luhan forced himself to smile. “If you want to leave-“
“I’m not leaving.”
Luhan choked back a sob.
“I’ll stay with you.”
“Really…?”
Yifan nodded solemnly. “I’ll celebrate New Year with you.”
Luhan’s eyes became teary and he chuckled weakly in response. Yifan walked closer to him to wipe his tears away and the simple gesture made Luhan so happy. Yifan might have been in love with Junmyeon all this time, but his attention and care for Luhan were real.
“You have his address now, right?”
“Yeah…”
“At least now you’ll get to send him your love letters,” Luhan laughed when Yifan’s expression turned dumb. “Don’t blame me, it’s your mistake for keeping them in the drawer…”
Yifan quickly grabbed Luhan’s scarf when the latter started coughing violently. He waited until the pretty male stopped coughing. When Luhan finally stopped coughing, there were traces of blood in the corner of his lips, but he wiped it away before Yifan got the chance to touch him.
“I’m really tired…” Luhan muttered as he rubbed his eyes. “Really, really tired…”
“Then we should go to bed earlier tonight.”
“Yeah…” Luhan smiled genuinely at Yifan. “Let’s sleep…”
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Yifan’s feeling for Junmyeon never changes, even after twenty years.
[1]
If Junmyeon was being honest to himself, he couldn’t stand coming over to Yifan’s house for the last couple of days.
But Luhan’s smile was so bright every time he came by that Junmyeon didn’t have the heart to wipe that pretty smile off of his face.
He kept telling himself that it was just until the winter festival, which would be held in a few days. Just until then, and then he would go home.
Just a little bit more…
That morning, Junmyeon was woken up by the vibrating sound of his phone on the nightstand. He lazily cracked his eyes open and carelessly extended his hand to grab the phone. He almost knocked down the lamp in the process but then he managed to get his vibrating device. Junmyeon didn’t even bother to see who it was but then his eyes widened.
Since when he did unblock the incoming calls?
“Hello?”
“Finally!! Hyung!!”
Junmyeon became wide awake upon hearing the familiar voice. “Jongin! H-hello.”
“Did you just ‘hello’ me?? Twice?? Never mind that for now. Most importantly, why the hell did your phone reject all my calls?? Did you not read my long-assed emails?? Is there no Wi-Fi around? Didn’t I tell you to call back?”
“You did?” Junmyeon quickly covered his mouth with his hand. “I mean…yeah, you did. Uh. Well, I was…busy.”
“Busy doing what?”
“…enjoying my holidays?”
Jongin sighed loudly at the other line. “Hyung, you said you’d only be gone for a couple of days. It has been more than a week. Mom’s worried about you, you know. Heck, we’re all worried about you.”
“Is she really, Jongin?” Junmyeon said bitterly and he became emotional at the topic of his mother. “She doesn’t care about me. All she cared about is her dignity. She wanted me to go home because she cannot wait for me to take over the hospital. Ever since Father passed away...she’s been forcing me to do everything.”
“Whoa, I’m so sorry Hyung, but I didn’t intend to call you so that you can lash out on me. And as much as I understand what you feel, it…can’t be helped, Hyung. She’s under a lot of stress, too.”
Junmyeon mentally facepalmed. “I know…” He paused for quite a while before continuing, “But you know what? You can be the heir, Jongin. You’re more talented in this than I am. I can ask the lawyer to change everything and-“
“Hyung. It’s your job as the oldest son. Besides, it only applies if you die and don’t even dare to think about it.”
“But what if I don’t want to?” Junmyeon groaned. His mind flew to Yifan and his heart ached at the thought of the handsome male. “What if I want to do something else, like…”
Like staying here.
“Hyung…where are you?”
Junmyeon inhaled deeply. He didn’t want to tell Jongin where he was. Junmyeon wanted to stay, but of course it was impossible. Why would he want to stay, when pain was all he would get in return?
As long as Luhan was around…
“I’ll be home in a few days, Jongin…”
Jongin didn’t sound too convinced, but then he said, “Promise me?”
“Un. I promise you…”
***
A few days passed by like in a breeze.
Before Junmyeon realized it, it was already time for the winter festival.
He waited for Yifan and Luhan to show up at the inn that night, but they were unusually late. Junmyeon kept on glancing at his wristwatch, hoping that they would arrive soon. Perhaps Yifan was busy deciding how many layers Luhan should wear for tonight…the weather was very cold, after all.
But when it was already more than an hour to their appointment time, Junmyeon had a feeling they weren’t coming.
Junmyeon then decided to just go to the festival all by himself. He left the message at the front desk, just in case Yifan and Luhan finally came.
It was cold and everyone was wearing thicker clothes, but it was chiseled in their faces that they were happy. All Junmyeon saw was smile and laugh adorning their faces, perhaps because they still got the chance to celebrate Christmas with people they cared about.
Junmyeon sighed.
He used the chance to think.
The reason why he wanted to go back to the village was because of Yifan.
But most of all, it was because of his father’s death, who passed away two months ago. It was so sudden. None of them had expected it because his father wasn’t sick at all. But if God wanted it to happen, then it happened. And as the oldest child, Junmyeon was quickly burdened with everything.
Junmyeon knew his life had changed completely when they moved to Seoul.
His father wasn’t as happy as he was when he was still living in the village. Junmyeon felt suffocated because he had to learn everything, and he meant everything. Business. Foreign languages. Music. Dancing skills. Table manners. Basically just everything to support his role as the next heir. He nearly didn’t have time to breathe, moreover informing Yifan his address. His free time was always used up for studying and practicing.
That was why when his mother told him that he was going to take over the hospital and that he needed to be a skilled surgeon, Junmyeon almost snapped.
Why did they keep on forcing him to do the things he didn’t like…?
Couldn’t they see how unhappy he was…?
When was the last time he even felt happy…?
Junmyeon remembered crying silently in his room throughout the night and that was when he decided to go back to the village. If only it was possible, he wanted to go back to the time before all this.
Because his happiest times were when he was with Yifan.
Junmyeon halted his steps when several kids were laughing and running in front of him. He noticed each of them had food in their hands, and Junmyeon remembered Luhan mentioning something about cotton candy…
Luhan.
When he decided to go back to the village, he certainly never would have thought that someone else would be there with Yifan. Just thinking about it brought so much pain to his chest.
But… Luhan was so pretty and delicate, and to be honest, he looked very good together with Yifan. And Yifan had the right to find someone to make him happy…
Junmyeon sniffed sadly.
He just wished it was him…
Junmyeon stared blankly at the food stalls for a while and he decided to buy various foods for Luhan. Perhaps due to the cold weather, he couldn’t get out of the house. He did say something about it… Junmyeon pressed his lips together into a thin line. He said he would only stay until the festival, right? Since he was going back tomorrow, he should probably leave with good impressions…
So Junmyeon bought all the foods he could get and went to Yifan’s house without hesitation.
When Yifan opened the door and he found out that it was Junmyeon, he looked surprised, and yet relieved.
Luhan was even happier upon seeing him and he squealed in delight when he spotted the foods in Junmyeon’s hand.
It was probably just Junmyeon’s imagination, but Luhan looked even paler that night. It had only been a few days, but the pretty male had gotten thinner, so thin that it made Junmyeon shudder slightly. He mentally wished that Luhan didn’t have to suffer in this winter. Perhaps his parents should’ve brought him someplace else that wasn’t this cold.
They ended up chatting all night just the two of them in the bedroom.
It was funny because the way Luhan talked to him made Junmyeon feel like they had been friends for years.
Sure, Junmyeon was actually jealous at the fact that Luhan got to be close with Yifan, but the other male wasn’t a bad person. In fact, if it was Luhan…who was very kind...Junmyeon felt like he could be sincere about it and give them his blessings.
Even though it was so hard…
“Junmyeon,” Luhan said all of a sudden. “I never ask you this, but…how did you meet Yifan again?”
Junmyeon was taken aback at the question. “Eh?”
“I’m sorry, I just had to ask. I had the feeling you guys knew each other…” Luhan smiled sincerely. “It was just…when you passed by in front of the house and I came out to chase you, his expression upon seeing you was…disbelief. Like he couldn’t believe his eyes or something…”
“It’s probably just your imagination,” Junmyeon lied. “It’s probably because he didn’t think you have any…friends.”
Luhan batted his eyelashes several times. “Friends…yeah. Speaking of, you’re my friend, Junmyeon. You’re a very good friend.” He chuckled lightly but it soon turned into a cough. “If you didn’t bump onto me that very day…”
“Lu,” Yifan softly knocked on the door, causing the two of them to stare at him. The door was slightly ajar and Yifan walked into the room with a glass of water and several types of medicine. “It’s late. You should drink your medicine.”
Luhan pouted disapprovingly. “Do I have to? I still want to talk to Junmyeon…”
“You can talk to him tomorrow. You should rest for tonight.”
Junmyeon turned his head to look at Yifan, but the latter had already turned around to exit the room. Tomorrow? Just how much longer do you want me to stay? He pursed his lips in annoyance, but it soon dissipated when he saw the medicine Yifan brought. Junmyeon only needed a swift glance to know what they were for.
Cancer.
Luhan coughed again, but this time it was a bit violent. The male snatched several plies of tissues and pressed them against his mouth. Junmyeon instinctively placed his hand on Luhan’s shoulder, as if hoping for it to stop soon.
When it did, Junmyeon saw traces of blood on the corner of Luhan’s lips and his expression turned horror.
“Luhan-“
“Don’t worry,” Luhan chuckled weakly and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “This happens a lot lately…”
“What? Have you gone to the doctor?”
“I have. For too many times that I’ve lost count. They said there was nothing else could be done,” Luhan huffed painfully. “And I feel like my family has shed enough tears for me, so it’s alright. I couldn’t stand to see my Mother bawled her eyes out every night…”
Junmyeon was speechless at that. Despite the fact that he was ill, Luhan sounded very strong.
“And I should take my medicine now, but if I do, I’ll fall asleep… I still want to talk to you…” Luhan said in exasperation and clutched his chest. “But if I don’t, it’s very painful…my chest…”
“Please, don’t talk anymore…you need to rest, Luhan…”
Junmyeon watched intensely as Luhan popped the pills into his mouth and gulped down the rest of the water. He scrunched his face in distaste at the taste of his medicine and sighed softly. Junmyeon then helped Luhan as the latter tried to find a comfortable position and pulled his blanket until it covered his chest.
“Get well soon,” Junmyeon whispered.
“Junmyeon, will you promise me one more thing?” The pretty male earned a nod in reply. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but… If I’m not around anymore…will you take care of Yifan?”
Junmyeon visibly tensed. “That’s-“
“Promise me?”
“I…” Junmyeon trailed off because Luhan was glaring at him. “I promise. But you’re still going to be around, Luhan…”
Luhan smiled as he fluttered his eyes close.
“It’s so tiring…with all of this… If it’s you, I’m glad, Junmyeon…”
Junmyeon waited until Luhan’s breath became steady, a sign that he was already asleep. He did his best not to make a sound as he headed to the door to exit the room.
He felt like crying.
***
Junmyeon walked out of the room almost inadequately.
“Is he asleep?”
Junmyeon lifelessly looked at Yifan and he thought about the pain the latter had been going through.
Losing his family, living all by himself, taking care of the farm…and then he met Luhan, but the male probably didn’t have much time left…
It hurt Junmyeon.
Junmyeon’s eyes became teary and without thinking, he collapsed into Yifan’s arms. Yifan seemed shocked at the sudden gesture, but he did nothing to push him away. If anything, he just pulled Junmyeon tighter into his embrace. Junmyeon buried his face against Yifan’s chest, faintly feeling the taller male’s heartbeat against his forehead.
I love you.
He had realized his feelings ever since he moved to Seoul. All these times, it wasn’t brotherly feeling that Junmyeon felt toward the taller male. It was a lot more than that.
He loved Yifan so much, it hurt…
Junmyeon finally pulled away after a few moments and his eyes were red as he looked up at the handsome male. His lips were trembling as he gathered his courage to utter,
“He’s so lucky to have you…to have you love him…”
Yifan said nothing in reply. Junmyeon sobbed as he slowly let go of Yifan but within seconds, Yifan grabbed his arm tightly. Junmyeon glanced up in surprise.
“Yi-Yifan…?”
“I never stopped loving my first love.”
“Yifan-“
“I’m holding his arm right now.”
Junmyeon’s eyes widened.
M…me?
He knew he was supposed to say something to counter it, but he was too stunned at the words to even react.
Yifan sighed exasperatedly and his expression turned sour. “Why now, Junmyeon? All these years, I’ve been waiting for you all my life, I’ve been waiting for you to come back. Everyday, I hope for the day to come, for you to suddenly show up and jump back into my life. I was so happy when I found out someone was moving into the house-yours, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you…”
Junmyeon didn’t have the strength to say anything. Yifan’s grip was starting to hurt his arm.
“When Luhan came by and introduced himself, I thought…perhaps the wait was over. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. I tried, but I couldn’t. I never could…” Yifan pulled Junmyeon closer into his arms, his pained expression hurt the latter just as much. “Why did you come back, Junmyeon…?”
Junmyeon’s tears fell onto his cheeks as he leaned into Yifan’s touch. He thought of lying, but after years of holding back…was there any use to do so now? So Junmyeon told him the truth.
Yifan deserved the truth…
“I came back to see you...”
***
They were sitting side by side on the couch.
Junmyeon’s thigh was pressed against Yifan’s and their position was a bit (too) close, but he didn’t want to move away. It was nice to have Yifan close like this, and Junmyeon wanted nothing else at the moment. Neither of them said anything, both were too busy with their own thoughts. Junmyeon’s eyes were getting distant as he watched the fire flickering on the hearth.
All this time, Yifan was waiting for him…
It made Junmyeon happy just to think about it. His mind went to Luhan but right then, just this once, he wanted to ignore it. Yifan deserved an explanation after all these years, so Junmyeon gathered his courage and initiated the conversation.
“My father…”
Yifan glanced at him briefly.
“…passed away two months ago.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“When I moved to Seoul…” Junmyeon intertwined his fingers together as he let out a sigh. “Everything became different. My parents had a lot of burdens on their shoulders. They were too busy taking care of the family matters that they stopped smiling. And then they started choosing my friends for me. They started deciding everything and reasoned that it was for the sake of my future.”
He turned to look at Yifan.
“I never wanted to be a doctor, Yifan. But I had to. If only I had the strength, I’d gladly choose to be a farmer and continued living here…with you. But there was nothing I could do. My father just passed away, but it was like…his death only made us suffer more. Just a few days after that, my lawyer told my mother that in case of emergency, I’d be pointed to be the next heir. As the oldest child, I had a feeling it would happen sooner or later, but I’m just…”
“…tired,” Yifan finished his sentence for him and Junmyeon nodded weakly.
“I know that it’s futile to resist, but…before I gave in to their request…” Junmyeon exhaled softly through his nose. “I decided to come back here.”
“Did you regret it?”
Junmyeon caught Yifan’s gaze and the latter’s black orbs showed that he was worried. Junmyeon broke into a kind smile and shook his head.
“Never. If anything, I’m really glad I did…”
Although you have Luhan now.
Yifan’s eyes softened and he lowered his gaze to Junmyeon’s lips.
Junmyeon felt his face flaming when he realized where Yifan’s line of sight went to and he became nervous. Something told him what was going to happen, which he was supposed to prevent it from happening, but a huge part of him selfishly wanted it to happen…
“Junmyeon,” Yifan whispered and Junmyeon’s heart started. The taller male carefully shifted closer, as if to warn Junmyeon what he was about to do. Yifan lifted up his hand to caress Junmyeon’s cheek, making sure that he wouldn’t be rejected before closing the gap between them.
Was it conscious, or was it unconscious, Junmyeon didn’t know.
But the way Yifan gently pressed their lips together was real, and it made Junmyeon feel sad.
There was an enormous spark within Junmyeon’s chest the moment their lips met, because god, it was all he ever wanted. His feelings were so big that it was as if they wouldn’t fit anymore in his chest and they were about to burst. Junmyeon felt Yifan licking his lower lip and he could barely breathe at the sensation.
If he thought his feelings for Yifan was just a childhood crush, then he was wrong.
He was so wrong.
Junmyeon gasped when Yifan slid one hand underneath his sweater and deliberately touched him. “Yi-“
“Don’t make a sound,” Yifan whispered against Junmyeon’s lips as he pushed the latter so that Junmyeon was underneath him.
“B-but-“
“The medicine is strong. He won’t wake up in a few hours.”
“But-“
“But if you want me to stop, then I will.”
Junmyeon’s hesitation dissolved after hearing those words. He feebly shut his eyes and managed to shake his head, and Yifan leaned down to kiss his neck.
I’m all yours…
I’ve always been yours…
Yifan really took his time to undress Junmyeon.
Junmyeon knew Yifan didn’t mean to tease him-Yifan’s expressions had always been easy to read. The taller male was just cherishing every moment they had together. Layer by layer, Junmyeon let Yifan strip him, while at the same glancing at the wooden door, half afraid Luhan would come out any minute.
When Yifan spread Junmyeon’s legs and hooked them around his waist, Junmyeon knew everything was never going to be the same. The moment Yifan inserted himself into Junmyeon’s entrance, he voicelessly cried. The sensation caused Junmyeon almost unable to hold back his voice. It came out as a weak gasp when Yifan rocked gently into him, each thrust causing Junmyeon to nearly lose his mind.
“Yifan,” Junmyeon whispered automatically loud when Yifan hit the spot inside him. If it was just that one time, it wouldn’t be a problem. But perhaps even without words, Yifan knew what the shorter male was thinking about and he continued to hit on the same spot.
Junmyeon breathlessly threw his head back as he unconsciously clawed Yifan’s arm. His needy whisper and suppressed moan threatened to escape his lips any minute now.
No, I can’t… Luhan…
Junmyeon definitely would’ve cried out loud the moment he reached his climax, if it hadn’t been for Yifan who deliberately claimed his lips. His voice was muffled weakly against Yifan’s lips, and as if the latter understood, Yifan didn’t seem to have any intention to separate their lips soon.
Sweaty, panicked kisses slowly turned into gentle, calming ones.
When Junmyeon was calmed down, it was then Yifan broke their kisses. Junmyeon was still a bit breathless, but the feeling was different than before.
He wasn’t anxious anymore.
Junmyeon tiredly rested his head against the cushion, exhausted from their love-making earlier. Yifan affectionately caressed Junmyeon’s hair and he leaned down to kiss his eyelids.
I love you.
It was the last thing Junmyeon heard Yifan said before he fluttered his eyes close and let the slumber took over.
I love you too, Yifan…
Did he say it out loud or it was just a thought, he didn’t remember.
***
“Are you really leaving, Junmyeon?”
Junmyeon gasped upon hearing the soft voice. He glanced up casually, hoping that Luhan wouldn’t notice his nervousness, but the pretty male’s despondent expression made him hold his breath. Junmyeon swallowed.
“Can’t you stay for another day…?”
Junmyeon smiled apologetically. Luhan was sad about him leaving, but it was impossible for Junmyeon to stay even just for another day. Jongin would kill him for real if he didn’t come home today, and of course...
Yifan.
Junmyeon almost choked on nothing.
The very same moment, Yifan walked into the living room for a brief second, before he realize that he had forgotten something and went back to his bedroom. Junmyeon’s heart beat faster than a race car at the sight of the taller male. Yifan’s appearance just made him feel more nervous and he bit his lower lip a bit hard, hoping the temporary pain would make him forget.
“I’m sorry. I…promised my brother that I would go back as soon as the festival is over…”
“Ah,” Luhan nodded understandingly, but disappointment was clearly showed underneath his voice. “Well, thank you for being my friend, Junmyeon. It really means a lot to me…”
I’m not that kind, Luhan…
“Are you ready to go?”
Both Luhan and Junmyeon stared at Yifan.
Junmyeon awkwardly nodded. “Yeah, but… Is it really okay? You don’t have to walk me to the bus station, Yifan… I mean, Luhan needs you here.”
Luhan waved a hand dismissively and snorted as he rolled his eyes. “Please, Junmyeon, I insist. And don’t drag Yifan into this-this is my request. I wish I’m strong enough to walk you too to the bus station, but the weather is so cold…so I’ll just stay here.”
“We should get going then,” Yifan said as he glanced at the clock. “The bus will depart in half an hour…”
“Yes…”
Junmyeon stood up and his gaze unconsciously lingered to the couch. Something strange bubbled within him. It still felt like a dream… He didn’t know what time it was, but he faintly recalled Yifan carrying him to the guest room last night and gently put the pajamas on him. And when Junmyeon woke up, his backpack was already there-Yifan must’ve gone to the inn for him...
It was probably a sign for him to stay, but Junmyeon knew he couldn’t.
Not after last night…
“Well then, I guess this is goodbye.” Luhan broke into a beautiful smile. “Goodbye, Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon smiled back and gave the other male a sincere nod.
“Goodbye, Luhan…”
***
The trip to the bus station was painfully quiet.
But neither of them seemed to mind.
Yifan took the liberty to hold Junmyeon’s backpack for him and he didn’t feel like protesting. The blond-haired male was standing too close beside him and Junmyeon had to admit that it felt nice. He loved the feeling whenever the tall male was near. Their height difference was a pain, but Junmyeon was glad Yifan was a whole lot taller than him.
It somehow made him feel protected.
“Thank you.” It was Yifan who finally broke the calmness and it got Junmyeon to look at him. “For staying.”
“Don’t mention it… It’s the least I could do,” Junmyeon shook his head. They continued to walk together and this time, Junmyeon decided to be the one to start talking. “Luhan…”
“Hm?”
“I was just wondering… Shouldn’t you try to call his parents and tell them his condition…?”
“I did.”
“What did they say?”
“They said please make Luhan happy.”
Junmyeon gaped disbelievingly and turned to look at Yifan. “What? That’s all they said?”
“Yeah…”
“That’s…cruel. Knowing that their son is sick and…probably dying…”
Yifan grimaced darkly and he looked away, not wanting to continue the conversation anymore. Junmyeon pouted slightly at that because he thought Yifan have should never stopped trying to contact Luhan’s parents.
“Junmyeon.”
“W-what?”
“Will you be back?”
Junmyeon was very taken aback at the sudden question that he slowed his steps down. When Yifan realized Junmyeon had stopped walking, he peered over his shoulder. He was quiet, but his gaze showed that he demanded an answer.
“I…”
“I’m not giving up.”
Junmyeon bit his inner cheek. “Yifan…”
“I’m not,” Yifan said sternly. “Giving up on you, Junmyeon.”
“Stop.”
“I’ll wait for you.”
“Please, stop…”
“I’ve waited twenty years for you.”
“This conversation is over.”
“It’s not a problem for me to wait for another twenty years.”
“Don’t you get it? Luhan needs you!!” Junmyeon cried out painfully. He could feel his tears were threatening to fall and his chest hurt so badly, but he needed to say it. “Stop waiting for me. There’s someone beside you, who cares for you, who…loves you.” Junmyeon shut his eyes upon the L word. “And he-he deserves it, Yifan…”
Yifan wordlessly dropped his gaze to the ground. The wind blew softly around them, and it was then they realized it was snowing.
Junmyeon gazed up disbelievingly. He extended his hand, as if he wanted to catch the snow. From the corner of his eye, Junmyeon could see Yifan watching him solemnly, and it made his heart stutter. He carelessly fished his hand into his pocket, searching for something. When he found it, he handed a piece of paper to Yifan, earning the latter to frown at him.
“What’s…this?”
“This is my address,” Junmyeon stated bashfully. “But only because I feel bad about leaving without saying anything twenty years ago.”
Yifan’s eyes widened and Junmyeon took the opportunity to grab his backpack and turn around.
“Jun-“
“Goodbye, Yifan.”
And then Junmyeon ran away as soon as possible to the bus station. He told himself not to look back, even if Yifan was calling out his name. His face felt really cold as he ran in the snowy weather and his body felt numb.
When Junmyeon arrived at the bus station, it was then he looked back.
No one was there.
Yifan really didn’t go after him…
Junmyeon laughed softly to himself, as if to tell himself that it was exactly what it was supposed to be. It was what he expected, but still, it felt painful when it really happened…
It was probably for the best.
With that, Junmyeon left his hometown.
***
Christmas parties and celebrating New Year made Junmyeon forget about Yifan.
His life in Seoul was certainly different than the one he had in the village. Everyday there were things that he needed to do, and it managed to distract him from anything else.
When Junmyeon got back home still in one piece, his mother and Jongin were so relieved. His mother told him that he didn’t have to be a skilled surgeon if he didn’t want to, as long as he would take over the hospital. It was fair enough, Junmyeon thought.
Weeks went by so fast like in a blink of an eye and before Junmyeon realized it, winter was almost over. Spring was at its peak, and Junmyeon was glad because everywhere he went, flowers were starting to bloom. They were so pretty and it somehow reminded him of Luhan.
Luhan.
Junmyeon sincerely wished Yifan and Luhan were happy. That what happened between him and Yifan was an awful mistake. And there was nothing he could do to reverse everything but to stay away from Yifan as far as possible…
One day, Junmyeon received a letter from Yifan.
Junmyeon only needed to give it a swift glance to understand that Luhan was no longer breathing in this world.
Tears blurred his vision as he tried to focus on each word. His fingers were trembling and he had to read the letter for three times before realizing that it really happened.
Luhan passed away on New Year. The pretty male just went to sleep…
…and he never woke up again.
When Yifan found him, Luhan’s expression was so peaceful. A small smile graced upon his lips, like he was only in deep slumber, and not leaving the world eternally…
Luhan’s death saddened Junmyeon badly.
Junmyeon locked himself in his room as he buried his face against the pillow, not wanting everyone else to find out. His shoulders were shaking as he sobbed silently.
Why did Yifan wait that long to inform Junmyeon…?
Why couldn’t he just tell Junmyeon right away…?
Why…?
He’s waiting for you, a small part of Junmyeon said. He wants to know if you’ll go back even with Luhan around…
No, the other part of him countered. He just didn’t want you to go back because Luhan is dead…he wants you to go back because you want to.
Junmyeon felt frustrated. He was tempted to go back to the village, but he was scared. He kept telling himself that being apart with Yifan was his punishment for being cruel to Luhan…. But at the same time, Junmyeon felt like it was unfair to leave the blond-haired male alone, now that he knew it.
Perhaps Yifan can’t stand the loneliness anymore…
Yifan must be all by himself, now that Luhan was gone…
No one there beside him…
Junmyeon cried himself to sleep that night with Yifan’s letter was held tightly to his chest.
The letter somehow smelled like apples, and it made Junmyeon miss him…
He missed Yifan so badly.
***
Even so, Junmyeon never went back to the village.
And Yifan had never contacted him again ever since.
Slowly, but surely, Junmyeon was starting to be able to forget. His heart still felt a pang sometimes when he thought about Luhan, but that was it. Regret was built within him when his mind went back to the village-and Yifan-but even until then, Junmyeon didn’t understand if he regretted hurting Luhan…
…or he regretted not telling Yifan the truth about his feelings.
It confused him so much that Junmyeon was starting to feel miserable.
Jongin asked him if something was wrong, but Junmyeon never told him anything. His younger brother’s judging gaze hurt him, but he knew Jongin just wanted him to be happy.
But how could he be happy…?
Junmyeon didn’t know anymore.
Around May, Junmyeon received a package. The male stared at it for a very long time before deciding to finally unpack it. With trembling hands, Junmyeon tore the wrapping paper, each movement caused his heart to beat even faster.
There were letters.
Junmyeon held his breath as he took some of them into his hands. No, they weren’t letters, he thought to himself. They were…
...birthday cards.
Realization dawned upon Junmyeon as he realized that these were the cards Yifan had written for him every year ever since he had left, but the taller male had never gotten the chance to send them because he didn’t know Junmyeon’s address. Junmyeon instinctively smiled to himself as he saw Yifan’s scrawny handwriting on the cards he wrote when he was a kid had morphed into tidy, beautiful handwriting on the newer ones. He unconsciously counted that there were twenty-one birthday cards-matched the amount of years he left him.
Junmyeon’s hand trembled slightly when he finally got to the last card.
Happy birthday, Kim Junmyeon.
Please, always be happy.
I’ll wait forever until you’re ready.
It was like there was a sudden storm in Junmyeon’s chest because he felt terrible. His stomach was jolted with a mix of everything-guilt, regret, longing, love-as he stood up. Junmyeon covered his mouth with his hand with teary eyes, before realizing that all this time, he was miserable for leaving Yifan, and for not telling the latter that he was hopelessly in love with him.
Junmyeon, unable to think anymore, turned around to run to his room and started packing after placing the cards on his bed.
“Hyung?”
Junmyeon halted and he audibly gasped as he looked at Jongin. His brother was standing by the doorway, frowning slightly upon seeing his expression. Jongin’s line of sight then went to the bed where Yifan’s birthday cards were placed, and he somehow understood.
“Jongin-“
“Go,” Jongin urged.
Junmyeon almost cried in relief and nodded. His feelings were a mess right now, and he didn’t know if he would be able to hold his tears, but he finally understood what he wanted.
He wanted to fulfill his promise to Luhan.
Most of all, he wanted to see Yifan.
***
Junmyeon absently glanced outside the window.
It was weird, because it was the first time for him to ever feel this impatient about something. If it was possible, Junmyeon wanted the train to go even faster. He spent nearly two hours fidgeting on his seat, wondering what he should say when he met Yifan.
But planning was a lot easier than doing it.
Junmyeon got cold feet the moment he arrived at the village, and he almost took the same bus to go back to the train station. Fortunately he didn’t do it, or else the rest was only history now.
The weather was so much warmer now, but the atmosphere stayed the same.
Junmyeon smiled as he saw children laughing and running around with fewer layers of clothes. Some people turned to look at him, but this time, they gave him their smiles-perhaps because they’ve seen his face before-which Junmyeon returned by instinct.
His steps finally came to a stop when Yifan’s house came to his sight.
Junmyeon paused by the gate and he hesitated.
There was no one in the yard, and he didn’t know if Yifan was home… It occurred to Junmyeon to turn around and stay at the inn until he was certain of what to do, but then he heard someone calling out his name.
“Junmyeon?”
Junmyeon glanced up in surprise.
Yifan closed the door behind him and waited for a moment, as if to make sure that he was real. That Junmyeon came back. That Junmyeon was there by the gate.
Junmyeon’s eyes softened as he opened the gate, and it made a creaking sound.
Have you been waiting for me…?
Have you been looking constantly towards the gate, waiting for me…?
Tears fell to Junmyeon’s cheeks when Yifan suddenly quickened his steps and dashed to his direction.
And then their lips met in the sweetest kiss, and Junmyeon kissed back as if to say that he wasn’t gone…
End.
“Will Junmyeon be back…?”
Yifan was snapped out of his reveries and directed his gaze to Luhan.
“You’ve been staring at the gate for days,” Luhan said with amusement and Yifan nonchalantly gazed back at the gate. “If this keeps on happening, you’ll probably end up sleeping by the window, too…”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You don’t have to be…” Luhan thoughtfully pressed a finger against his lips. “But seriously, will he be back…?”
“…I don’t know.”
“Did you tell him you love him?”
Yifan snapped his head so fast to Luhan that it made the latter to flinch in surprise, afraid Yifan’s neck would crack. “H-how…?”
“Yifan,” Luhan pretended to be in dismay by clicking his tongue. “It didn’t take a genius to know what you feel toward each other. Honestly…” He shrugged as he dropped his gaze to the carpeted floor. “I thought it’d be…okay, you know. You’ve kindly accepted me, although you felt nothing towards me. And it was okay, because it was going to be just the two of us. But then…”
“You don’t have to do this, Luhan.”
“But I want to, Yifan.” Luhan’s eyes flickered with sadness and he hugged himself , as if to gather the courage to continue. “But when Junmyeon showed up…your eyes…they contain so much emotion, it hurts. It was something you’ve never done before. And I know from that moment that I will, no, no one would ever win from him… That’s why…”
“Luhan.”
“It’s alright for you to leave,” Luhan forced himself to smile. “If you want to leave-“
“I’m not leaving.”
Luhan choked back a sob.
“I’ll stay with you.”
“Really…?”
Yifan nodded solemnly. “I’ll celebrate New Year with you.”
Luhan’s eyes became teary and he chuckled weakly in response. Yifan walked closer to him to wipe his tears away and the simple gesture made Luhan so happy. Yifan might have been in love with Junmyeon all this time, but his attention and care for Luhan were real.
“You have his address now, right?”
“Yeah…”
“At least now you’ll get to send him your love letters,” Luhan laughed when Yifan’s expression turned dumb. “Don’t blame me, it’s your mistake for keeping them in the drawer…”
Yifan quickly grabbed Luhan’s scarf when the latter started coughing violently. He waited until the pretty male stopped coughing. When Luhan finally stopped coughing, there were traces of blood in the corner of his lips, but he wiped it away before Yifan got the chance to touch him.
“I’m really tired…” Luhan muttered as he rubbed his eyes. “Really, really tired…”
“Then we should go to bed earlier tonight.”
“Yeah…” Luhan smiled genuinely at Yifan. “Let’s sleep…”