wow i haven't dated this thing in a long time

[flowers4julie]

well, i guess here goes nothing. i haven't updated this thing in forever. even that picture of me is from years ago. i haven't looked like that in a long time. well, i need to write an update that probably no one will read, but hey this is for me not you. i need to get this all out in the open, even though my 'great' thinking tells me to do so over the internet, wow yes wow i'm fucking crazy. to tell you the truth i really don't want to hide anymore. and that is a serious change for me. i've been hiding all my life. behind my dark sunglasses and crazy hair styles. my hair has been green, red, blonde, brown with other colors in it, black, purple black, going from long hair to short, i even shaved my head at one point. to get you to not only notice me but so that you would leave me alone. i've come to realize that all i want is to be loved, but from a distance. because i have bent over backwards to get others to just think about me for a split second as they walk by and than forget about me. i really don't want people to get to know me. like i said i hide. but, most would never guess that i hide, because, i'm so loud and out there. when really i'm fucking terriffied that you will see me for who i really am with out the sunglasses and the crazy hair and you won't like me. even, if i never be-friend you, or even fucking talk to you i have this overwhelming fear that i'll be alone forever and at this point that's what i want. i want to be alone, because i can't stand people! why should i spent half my fucking day, month, year thinking about what you think of me. who gives a fuck? and that was hard for me to understand because i thought that what everyone else really thought of me, not just what they say to my face, but what's going on in the back of there heads, if that was true than i was exactly what i thought i was...worthless. and i notice that over the years it has changed a great deal. i am slowly and painfully learning that your thoughts are none of my business. and that it's really what i think of myself and how i treat myself that matters. and to me when i heard that i was like wait wait wait now wait a min. here you mean to tell me that it has nothing to do with others and it's all about accepting myself for who i am? and that brings up the huge question that i would act like i knew the answer to but really had no fucking clue, who am i really? now, by this point my low ideas of myself tells me that you've stopped reading and all that stupid shit going on in my head, but who cares about that either? i mean i'm typing this for me. i'm being fucking selfish so i don't go out and die.and when i say die i'm so fucking serious. because i suffer from alot of addictions. which brings me to the real reason i'm writing this entry. so, i can get off my chest what happen and what's going on with me now, after all these dramatic changes. well, i thought i was doing fairly well at home. but others did not think so, those others were my family. my addictions were truely taking over my life. just the extremely short version of my history i'm a junkie(H), a cutter, and a hardcore sex addict(and i don't say this to interset you because the last thing i need is someone interseted in me and my fucked up little head). well, at this point my life is fully consumed, even though i appeared to be the functioning addict. i had a job i really liked, working with animals something i love, i was going to school about to graduate, umm... i had alot of friends a 'good' boyfriend, a sweet family, blah blah blah. when, really it was me hiding again. i was in a strict school at this point so no more hiding behind behind my wild hair dues. and if you knew me from my old school you knew i could def. not hide behind my rep. because that's one of the fucking reasons why i transferred. i had destroyed almost all my relationship there. i was practically failing all my classes for maybe one that i wasn't. i was a fucking hair away from being caught with drugs on school grounds. man, i was fucked royally. so what better to do convince Mummy and Daddy that those kids are a bad influence on me and i'm just this poor little depressed little daisy little girl and i need to transferr school to stay away from the 'bad kids'. well, surprise surprise i was the bad kid! wow, shocker. cute little me? the bad one? yeah, old friends would laugh at this and say 'no shit' because really in my old school it was 'no shit' with me. you did not get in my way because you would be fucking sorry. i would rip you off selling you drugs, and yeah i sold drugs which i denied for a long time, and does that really shock anyone anyway i think not moving on, umm...i would fuck your boyfriend, i would steal your dope and help you look for it, the list goes on and on. i did fucked up things to people and i take full responsiablity for that and i know i will be making some serious amends. well, lets just say that the game was over, no monkey sells bananas, and def. not this monkey named Jean, ok? well i joined NA,a great fellowship that has helped so many people get clean and sober. but, i really went there chasing after people. i thought i was chasing for love. when, really it was all about the sex and anything else i could get from you. well, i had 2 months sober off H and i thought hey i'm doing damn good, because i shot dope for a long time, which was something i denied because i would rather look like just a druggie by snorting it but really i just was another junkie living off Ma and Pa. well anyway i thought i was doing extremely well i mean doing H for 7 years and than stopping cold turkey was amazing, and still is, not to mention all the other times i tried to get clean in years of theropy, in and out of mental hospitals, out-patient this and new psycs medication that and anything and everything Mom and Dad could do to 'fix' their problem child.and i don't blame them certainly if i was a normal person, let alone a normal parent i would have no fucking clue what to do with me. well, my rents just thought i was fucking crazy, or as the doctors, or my other family members would put it 'chemically unbalanced, and depressed oh poor little baby' yeah yeah yeah give me a fucking break, i'm depressed because all the bullshit i've been through, the deaths, the rapes, the everything! i mean now i can really see that i was sick i was sick to the core and not all is my fault. i was totally fucked and fell quickly into any addiction i could find that looked good to me. i mean lets be real here, Baby Jean is slicing up every inch of her body, later on finding out that she is fucking middle aged man, and that she's been injecting narcotics for the past few years, man i would be scared to for my kid. and that's what i mean by hide.you would never guess alot of things about. alot of things from my past are locked in this box in my chest. well, anyways i had 2 months in the fellowship, but i was still cutting and fucking anyone i could get my grib around, no affence but man are fucking easy targets. i always knew i was different from my entire family, but i tried to hide the big secrets not so much oh yeah i hurt myself blah blah de da, what i was really hiding from my parents was that i'm gay, that's right you homo-hating assholes i'm gay! and that was not ok within the Catholic faith, which i was programed to believe since day fucking one, i even was an altar girl can you believe that! wow, i look back and say wow i was the best fucking bullshiter, lier, cheat ever, when really everyone who has these types of addictions are like that because i know and i don't know if others feel this way, but i hear it in the rooms of 12-step programs that i lived a double life. you would never guess i was this scum of the earth junkie, who just wanted to be loved, oh go listen to a fucking emo song and sit in a dark corner and cry! i don't mean to sound cruel but really think about it i was so self-consumed and so full of self-pity and loathsomeness that i couldn't see past my fucking warped thinking let alone to understanding that all the shit i was doing was completely wrong! i mean seriously! who the fuck am i? am i some special little girl that i can whatever the fuck i want? and when i finally got just a tiny bit honest it seemed to back fire in my face, so it taught me that hey being honest is stupid it just fucks everything up i won't  put down my walls and theres no fucking way you will ever get to know me or get within a thousand fucking miles of my heart. now, i do have alot going for me. i won't just sit here and tell you what a piece of shit i am. i mean yeah i did shitty things, but hey God doesn't make junk, oh my goodness did i just use the G-word. oh yeah sorry i will get into all that later, sorry for those of you that have your head up your ass, okay moving on! now, it got to a point where yeah you would think that that 'disease of addiction' is bullshit and it was my childhood or just having a moral defect and being quote-un-quote evil a fuck up you name it, but remember what you think of me if none of my business, it's what i believe and know to be true. anyways! wow i'm getting off track. well there was this little intervention i was taken from my house at 4:30 in the morning. i was wakened by total strangers, well my parents cried in the door way, and before i knew it i had to leave my home and board a motherfucking plane to Las Vegas. at first i was filled with rage. how could they do this to me?!? well, really how could i do that to them. i mean my parents didn't want me to go all the way across the country, but you know what it gets to a point where a parent has to draw the line. i was stealing my Mum's expensive jelewry, i was fucking in there house!, i was selling houses from the side of their house, i had lost my job, i would disappear for a night or two and come back with no explaintion and say fuck you how dare you your too strict blah blah blah addict bullshit! i would tell my friends i was kicked out of my house, even though that did happen one time, but the other times i just walked the fuck out because i didn't get my own way. pulling that old line on my rents was a classic move in my house 'you don't even love me!' wow, i cant imagine what it's like to raise a child and than have this child that you love with all your being come a centimeter from your face in your house and yell that you never loved them at that it was all about there reps. wow! my bullshit rador is going off, was my old self totally bull face lying?!? well, yes and no. i was of course being a selfish, aggorant little bitch and i was so caught up in my addictive life style that i thought everyone was doing it to me and that the only one that could hurt me was me because you've already hurt me too much, oh do want some cheese with that wine? seriously to some degree i can totally see the suffering i went through growing up, and that life may have been fincially good for me,but man i attracted the worse kind of people and after a while i sought out those kinds of people because i thought those people 'understand' me, yeah ok! they just want to use you! you dumb fuck! if i could g back in time and fucking yell at myself i would, but that would do no good anyway because i was going to do whatever the fuck i wanted to do and if you got in the way well i already told you that part, make your life a living hell because, i'm already in hell and i will not burn alone. well, sorry for skipping around alot well back to the events, i than after landing in Las Vegas was driven out to Utah...honestly like true i'm not lying one bit who the fuck knew there was a state called Utah??? i mean wow! and if there is no one lives there because who would live there i mean really gosh. that's how closed and judgmently my way of thinking was. well, in Utah i was placed in a program, called Second Nature. i thought, oh great another fucking mental hosptial or maybe they put me in some in-patient rehab whatever why the fuck did they send me to the other side of the mother fucking country? made no sense to me at all i thought my life was working just fine. well, after being stripped searched, all my pierecings were taken out i was put into this 'werid' clothes and there was this huge backpack that they filled with all types of werid shit. soon after some real attitude to the people who were working at this program i was blindfolded and up into a pick up truck, oh first thought 'fuck now i'm going to be taken out to the desert and brutally murdered by these crazy people' next thought 'are they just going to dispose of my body in the back country so no one will find me or will i be toruted for a couple of days than put out of my misery?' next 'fuck isn't there cheaper ways to kill your unwanted child! i mean serisouly how much did my rents pay these people??' and the last thought before i fell asleep on the few hour truck ride was 'oh well' it got to a point where i didn't care where i was going. anywhere but here was always my favortive saying. but the thing that i learned was that no matter where i go the one person i hate will always be there, me. i will always be there. always. so, i wake up because the road has become extremely rough and i hear the driver yell to me in the back of the truck 'hold on honey!' now at this point a- where the fuck are we?!?! and b- honey? honey? who the fuck is this bitch to be calling me honey?' yeah that's right i'm a bitch and a half maybe even 3/4's. anyway i'm finally out of the truck and the blindfold is still on. their walking with me holding onto my shoulders. i trip over a rock and swing into a tree branch. at first it was like good going asshole run me into a fucking tree and than it when they took of my blindfold it was like holy mother of hell i'm in the middle of no where and there are all these dirt covered girls and they are sitting around a camp fire and oh my goodness i've been kidnapped by 'nature freaks!!!' oh for the love of all things holy someone fucking save me!!! well, after hiking miles everyday, eating beans and rice every night, and seeing the man who saved my life, Paul my theropist really wasn't so bad. i mean at first i was ready to fucking kill myself because i couldn't kill the nature freaks becasue their the only ones who have the maps and these dirty girls? well, i became just as dirt covered as them. at times it seemed impossible to handle, i mean fucking impossible. i remember we got up at like 5 in the morning, were timed in backing up all our stuff which had really funny names like 'wiggy and ho ho' yeah i know werid! well we had like 5 mins to do that, and we had to call how 'number' every few seconds, yeah i had a number if that's not scary boot camp like than wow i feel fucking bad for people in the military! yeah. so we went hiking. up and down up and down anything from desert,open fields, huge mountains, frigging forests. yes, my friends i was in a wilderness program. i stayed in the middle of no where for about 3 months. yeah that's right 3 fucking months. but, today i thank my family so much because even though at times it was so difficult, my Nanny(grandmother) died when i was out in the desert, the experience was so worth it, because it began a journey that seriously changed my whole life. well, after coming out the woods and seeing my Mum, Dad, and Sister, Lauren, for the first time in 3 months, which was an amazing feelings i spent a day and night with them and than with alot of tears i than boarded a plane to Arizona. okay wait one second, Arizona i'm fucking New York if you were to show me a map of the US and told me to find Arizona i would laugh and say Arrri-who? is that actually a real place? well, before i knew it i was in Tucson AZ living in a 'sober living community' with 16 other druggies and drunks in recovery. now, i won't name the program *cough* rehab *cough* that i was placed in but i will tell you it was the fucking worst! i mean wow! and i won't lie and say oh the whole things fucked la de da de da i mean i had some fun times there, i learned alot about myself and my addictions, and wow did i ever learn so much about 'tough love' as they called it when really it was just totally inhuman actions or as they would say 'consquence'. i met some amazing people with great recovery and others well, this is still how sick i am, umm others well i could care less no i think i would like to see them fall of a really high cliff and watch their heads be ripped from their poor pathetic little bodies. ha, yeah. well i've learned through a sponser and all that, that i should at least pretend to be loving, patient, and tolerane towards all...umm yeah right do you know who your talking to? umm yeah i'm Jean aka hardcore fucking bitch from Long Island don't you fucking tell me that i have to have love, patience, and tolerance for these fuckers.well, after alot of pretending i'm starting to see the miracles of the 12 steps. well the 'program' i was in basically only went to AA becasue the founder who lived across the street had 29 years of soberity and got that through AA. umm..yeah i'm a hardcore NA person to be honest i've never had a drop of alcohol my whole life and i will never because i saw what happend to my uncle that i love and i refuse to be a drunk. so one of the requirments was that as a community we go to 2 AA meetings a day, and that's just the start, but we had to say stuff like 'Hi i'm so and so and i'm an alcoholic' well that pissed me right the fuck off, i mean i a fucking addict seriously i am not a fucking alkie by no means. so i fought that for a while until basically i was so beat down that i started introducing myself like that, just so everyone would get off my  back. well lucky me! things out really worse afterwards. every morning the community must meet in the 'main house' for 'work ethic' at 6:20 am. well let me tell you this 'work ethic' was basically us doing slave labor cleaning of the houses and property so the founder could look good when new suckers, aka others family members, came to see if it would be a good place for their loved ones. well after a good 2 to 3 hours of cleaning and busting our ass, we had to get dressed in pretty little clothes, which was impossible because nothing tight or low cut or short which is fine but it was all about well the boys had to wear collared shirts that were tucked in with kacki pants at all times and girls well we had to look as if we were on a cover of a stupid business magzine which is unrealistic anyway becasue over 80 something percent of women in America don't get jobs like that, but that's something the founder always talked about being in the boardroom of an important company, yeah with some of the back round these kids had wow yeah right there not going to be a president of any corporation or some high paid lawyer they are going to be suied by the president for something or another and will need the fucking lawyer let alone be one. now, i won't say names of people because that truely is not  my place. but i will tell you that these kids were from all over the country from ages 18 to 26 yeah 'young adults at risk' yeah okay. these kids are from Texas, Virgina, New York, Californa, Minasota, Idaho i mean really everywhere. so anything from an old fashion drunk to a junkie or a tweker(meth heads for those of you who aren't too drug lingoed or just because i'm a terrible speller) and lucky me i only like one girl there and maybe one or two guys out of a good number of kids. back to the scedual of things at this place after work ethic we would get dressed yeah yeah yeah and than we would go to something called 'circle' the brain washed residents at this place or the crooked staff would tell you it's 'a community meeting run by our founder who really gets to the core of the troubles in the community and working on our character defects' yeah but when no ones listening and it's just a couple of residents we called it 'getting beasted on' basically meaning the founder ripped you a new asshole. you could have not dried your dish to perfection, or smiled at the 'wrong person', or even ooo do i dare say had a one on one conversation with a resident and did not spill my guts to an entire community. basically it was all about looking good. if you looked good than damn you were on the founders good side and you were in the money, now if you were on the shit list man i feel bad for you because i  have def. been there with her. the thing that really disurbes me is that the founder looks like this sweet old lady(about 70 something) and has great soberity blah blah blah and when you meet her it's all hugs and we're so happy your here and within the next week or month you are getting 'beasted on. me and others who lived in the 'commmunity' were in consent fear of this woman so we would do everything we could possible think of to in normal terms suck up to her. oh can i make your coffee oh you want me to pick up the dogs poo no problem oh you need me run around the world 6 times and come back with flowers for you and smile with the utmost heart of gratitude oh yes you've got it anything for you. it was such bullshit. they always talked about being rigiously honest which i def. agree with today because it's how to live a sober life according to spiritual princpiles and living day by day according the 12 steps. yeah, but if you were honest at this place it was fucking scary to be because you knew if you were honest about what was really going on with you than your on C team or worse. now C team was basically away to gain intergity blah blah bullshit! it was the 'bad' residents who had to stay back from meetings, the gym, any event in AA,had to clean constantly if they were not cleaning ooo man it was your ass and than at about 10 at night you have to go to 'the field' basically a dirt and weed field in the back of proporty that you had to do boot camp in. boot camp was either run by a harsh staff member who after it you would either wake up the next morning with bruises because of all the fucking army crawls through the gravel or with complete exhaustion. well, the other people that ran boot camp were A team residents, basically you were on the founders good side, who were basically fucking power hungry assholes who were not only tripping in it but totally filled with fear because damn if you screwed up and your on A team you better get ready to go to the shed, oh sorry i mean the 'reading room'. yes, now at this point your wondering what the 'reading room' aka the shed is. well it's just that a shed! it's this little storage shed on the property that when your bad you go live in this shed no heat or no air conditioning you get a thing of water an apple and sandwich at every meal and during the day you have to pull weeds in the field, no one is allowed to talk to you no residents may have contact with you, you piss and shit in a bucket, you can't take a shower let alone go inside like damn is this not illegal in some ways. my parents are paying sooooo much money for me to put in a shed? makes no sense to me, sorry i don't mean to sound resentful, but yeah i still am. yeah of course i didn't come to this program and i wasn't an angel i admit i did my share of sleeping with residents or sneaking off property to smoke ciggeates, or end up in a mental hospital, well that is a completely different story short version i ended up in that hopsital becasue i was on soo many 'consqences' and i didn't know why becasue not only was i being 'good' but they won't tell me why the fuck i was in trouble. i was on talking ban black ban boy ban bench ban, way this means talking ban is when i can not talk to residents, my sponser, anyone at meetings, the only person i could talk to was one staff member who had his own set of resentments towards me and loved to make me drop and give him 50 push ups if i broke my  talking ban for 3 seconds and just said excuse me i mean there so no talking  and black ban was when i couldn't wear black clothing becasue it reflected my negative mood and poor behaviors umm let me think umm 1-yeah i look damn good in black and i look comfortable in it 2-about 3/4s of my clothes are black or have black in them what do you expect me to wear and saying borrow the other girls clothing def doesn't work because their all like twigs and i'm normal sized! 3- you wonder why i'm so depressed and in a negative mood maybe it's becasue you get two inches from my fucking face and tell me i'm worthless, a little useless girl, a whore, a junkie, and def if i'm not looking exellent than i'm not being excellent and they wonder why i'm in such a negative mood lets be realistic here. the old fashion tough love basically tare you down so they can build you back up is bullshit...you hear that it's motherfucking bullshit! the program is 12 mons, basically a year long even some people stay 2 years because the founder thinks their not ready yeah okay and me i was there for 5 monthes before i got kicked out! last moday i got my ass kicked to the curb with no real explaintion expect for their assumtion of me flirting with the residents and acting out in my sex addiction. umm..okay. so i basically homeless. as i'm leaving i'm getting screamed out that my family has abandon me that they will never take me back go stick a needle in your arm your not going to make it your life is over. yeah you can imagine how terrifying that is for an 18 year old girl who just got rejected by a community that said they loved and would fight like hell to help her and than the next day her stuff is on the curb in trash bags and they are calling the cops on her and she thinks she has lost her entired family because the people she trusted told her so!!!! i mean come on. the cops came and picked me up and took me to a mental hosptial and told the staff at this place i was living that had sucked my parents dry of money and sucked the fucking life out  of me told the officer that i was a danger to the safer of the community after being talked to my a mental health doctor and 2 police officers it was said that there is no reason for her to be placed in a psyc  ward she is not a danger to herself nor others no insurance company will pay for her to stay here when she has no reason to. the staff at my old program aruged for about an hour with the police and docotors and the doctors made it pretty fucking clear that they could not by law take me and that they were going to call my folks well they did and my parents set me up at a hotel for the night until they could figure out what to do. well one of the staff members stopped by the next morning called my parents and told them "at this point Jean is no longer welcomed at ____" and these bastards tried poning me off to another mental health place. yeah lucky that place set me up in a boarding care with some pretty cool people and i live in a basically independent life were i go to meetings i am still sober with 10 months clean and i'm happier than i've ever been. that program that kicked me out called yesterday some how getting my number and asked me if i was coming back to ___ and i basically said you told me i couldn't come back and they totally denied saying that when we have on video tape back on propoeryt of the founder not only in her exact words says "pack your shit" but i have a number of witness, i have the docotors at Paleveto mental health clinic, a couple of police officers, my case worker in another program and they even told my parents that and now to turn around and say that was never said pissed me right the fuck off to be treated so poorly and to told that rigous honesty is way of life well i basically told the man from that program on the phone that for a man in recovery himself he should practice some rigous honesty himself and that even though i now have the oppourtnity to return he would have to pay me back my itition for my stay that i've already lost hundreds of thousands of dollars on or he would have to kiss my feet and run around the world 6 times come back with flowers and all that shit that the founder wanted me to do and still be filled with gratitude well than i will return and yeah in that case i think not! so you can go fuck yourself peace out bitches and yeah since this happend just a week ago i'm fucking rageful but right now i have to take care of myself and love myself and it all goes back to what others think of me because as long as i know what i am doing in my heart is right and that i am truely accepting of myself today i have bad moments not bad days and today i don't live in fear and make some old lady my God because my Higher Power would never tare me down and only build me up becaseu She, my God, knows that life has tared me down enough and She wants me to be happy, joyus and free and i will be damned if i let those people take that from me. my God is bigger and better than any human 'power' at that rehab and i thank God that my family has decided to still be apart of my life and assued me that they love me and are not abandoning me so fuck you V3, oh wait did i just tell you their name oooppps. yeah well, clean house, love God, and help others thats all i have to say

-Jeannie