if you read, you'll judge
Tyler - - These are my feelings. judge them as you will, and intrepret them how ever you want to. i can't stop you, any more than you can stop me. But I'm going to let you know just how you made me feel. Because if I don't, you'll never know, and that could be much more dangerous. So here it is, my open heart, bleeding before you:
All of last week (10/3 - 10/10) we talked on the phone, and on-line, constantly. And everything seemed to be so good. The whole time we told each other how much we missed one another, and couldn't wait to see each other that weekend. but when you got here, you didn't act like you even wanted me around. like I was some sudden burdan. You hardly talked to me or acknowledged that i was there. You didn't look at me, or smile at me. Some thing was just different. totally different. and i don't get it. I just don't. how could everything change so rapidly? What happened? why were you so estranged? When we were alone together, you didn't tell me all of those nice things that you normally do. You didn't treat me like I was the greatest person alive any more. And you know, I guess you don't have to. But don't set me up for the let down. Just say it. just tell me if you don't want me around. When you treat me that way, what am i supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? I really did/do feel like you used me. And I do feel like maybe you didn't care. You wouldn't talk to me, and i didn't know what else to do, so i left you my letter. I never intended for you to get mad at me. i just wanted you to know how you made me feel. I feel like you were completly out of line, reacting the way that you did. How can you be mad at me? I was the one that got fucked over. How can you be angry at me for feeling that way, when you did it? You over reacted, just like a child. In my opinion, it was selfish of you to do that. It was selfish because i was hurt, and angry and sad, and you didn't care enough to own up to what you did to me. You didn't have the balls to step up and say i fucked up, and i shouldn't have. instead, you turned it around on me, like it was my fault, and i was wrong for feeling the way that i did. You used my feelings, and ym hurt to make you look good, to give you a clear consience, so you could get away from being wrong. But the thing is, I am not wrong. and you are. you are out of your place, and need to find it again. I did nothing wrong, and if you want to really think that i did, then you really don't care about me. I cought you in your game, and you knew it... you jsut had to cover your ass, so you didn't look like the ass hole. It's alright baby, your still the ass hole in my opinion. At the beginning of the week, sunday through early wednesday morning, i was crushed. i couldn't handle it. not only were you gone, but i had a billion and one other things going on. And I was alone. Completly alone. the things is, before, when ever i had a problem, or something went wrong, you were the person i ran to. but now, i have no where left to go, no one left to run to. I'm alone now. None of my other friends could understand things that way that you did. they don't know how it is. I just can't share that part of me with them. not like i did with you. I was alone, and you betrayed me. I have never ever been more hurt in my entire life. the one person that told me he would be there for me was gone. I came to the realization that the boyfriend/girlfriend thing or the physical relationship was not what kept me comming back to you. it was the fact that you were always there when i needed you. you listened to me, and tried to understand. you told me how great i was, and how beautiful i am, and how much i deserve out of this life. you told me that i have reasons to survive, and to be here. you stopped me in my tracks when i was about to take it all away. you gave me something that i've never had before. and i thought that ment something. not only to me, but to you too. And maybe it did, but right then, it seemed like you could give a shit less what happened to me. And at first I was so sad. At firest i didn't think that i was gonna make it through. But then all the sudden something changed in me, and i began to resent you, and hate you for what you had done to me. i didn't understand how you could just walk away from me like that. i thought that our friendship was greater then that. i didn't understand how you could treat me this way, after what i had done for you. I was angry and bitter. And i no longer wanted to talk to you. i no longer wanted to call you or see you. at least not for a while. i had no plans of seeing you, or talking to you for a few weeks. And I was really gonna do it. I was doing good. i had gotten strong. i had a back bone fineally, when it came to you at least. and then, you were here. and i wasn't expecting you to be. but i wasn't going to run from you. it was bound to happen sooner or later. When we argued friday night i wasn't sad, or crying about it. I was enragely pissed off. i have no idea where you got off saying what you did to me. and before i will accept you back, as even a small friend, you must apoligise. You said that i wasn't a true friend. and you know thats bullshit. Major fucking bullshit. I won't deny that those guys aren't true friends too, but if you ever think that again, just remember, it wasn't them crying on the phone at 4:00 in the fucking morning, it wasn't them telling you to stay in school, it wasn't them telling you put the gun away. It wasn't them that listened to you. it was me. that was all fucking me. I can't believe that you could even think that i wasn't a true friend. and an apoligie is in need for that. And friday, I just became a billion times more bitter towards you. i had no desire to ever talk to you again. i had no desire to argue with you about this, and no desire to figure this out. You had done the worst things in the world that any one could possibly do to me. And I just wasn't willing to forgive you for that. And I havn't forgiven you yet, but at least, now i'm willing. I'm still hurt, and I'm still unsure of your intentions. but i don't hate you. and i'm not quite so bitter. i don't know whats going to come of this. i don't know how we'll turn out this time. But i do know, that if i'm alone in the end, i'll be ok. Because i know that I can live with out you. Last night, you were in the kitchen listening to music, and i was in the kitchen writing in my not book. and you wer there, and i was there, and we were alone and i knew that we wanted to say something. but we had too much pride. and i'm not willing to do this again. i'm not willing to get hurt any more like this. So this is it. this is the point where i give you the ultimatums. there is no more of this i don't know what i want bullshit. it's time to decide and stick to it. Do you want to be with me or not? And if you do, we are going to be with each other, and no one else. we are going to be officially together, and everyone's going to know it. but if we chose this, both of us will have to change some of our ways. were going to have to make adjustments. And if you decide that you don't want to be with me, then thats it. no more hooking up on the weekends, no more i love you/i miss you. no more. And thats going to take effort on both of our parts. i still want to be your friend. we don't have to be together. either way, things have to change. - - Megan
All of last week (10/3 - 10/10) we talked on the phone, and on-line, constantly. And everything seemed to be so good. The whole time we told each other how much we missed one another, and couldn't wait to see each other that weekend. but when you got here, you didn't act like you even wanted me around. like I was some sudden burdan. You hardly talked to me or acknowledged that i was there. You didn't look at me, or smile at me. Some thing was just different. totally different. and i don't get it. I just don't. how could everything change so rapidly? What happened? why were you so estranged? When we were alone together, you didn't tell me all of those nice things that you normally do. You didn't treat me like I was the greatest person alive any more. And you know, I guess you don't have to. But don't set me up for the let down. Just say it. just tell me if you don't want me around. When you treat me that way, what am i supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? I really did/do feel like you used me. And I do feel like maybe you didn't care. You wouldn't talk to me, and i didn't know what else to do, so i left you my letter. I never intended for you to get mad at me. i just wanted you to know how you made me feel. I feel like you were completly out of line, reacting the way that you did. How can you be mad at me? I was the one that got fucked over. How can you be angry at me for feeling that way, when you did it? You over reacted, just like a child. In my opinion, it was selfish of you to do that. It was selfish because i was hurt, and angry and sad, and you didn't care enough to own up to what you did to me. You didn't have the balls to step up and say i fucked up, and i shouldn't have. instead, you turned it around on me, like it was my fault, and i was wrong for feeling the way that i did. You used my feelings, and ym hurt to make you look good, to give you a clear consience, so you could get away from being wrong. But the thing is, I am not wrong. and you are. you are out of your place, and need to find it again. I did nothing wrong, and if you want to really think that i did, then you really don't care about me. I cought you in your game, and you knew it... you jsut had to cover your ass, so you didn't look like the ass hole. It's alright baby, your still the ass hole in my opinion. At the beginning of the week, sunday through early wednesday morning, i was crushed. i couldn't handle it. not only were you gone, but i had a billion and one other things going on. And I was alone. Completly alone. the things is, before, when ever i had a problem, or something went wrong, you were the person i ran to. but now, i have no where left to go, no one left to run to. I'm alone now. None of my other friends could understand things that way that you did. they don't know how it is. I just can't share that part of me with them. not like i did with you. I was alone, and you betrayed me. I have never ever been more hurt in my entire life. the one person that told me he would be there for me was gone. I came to the realization that the boyfriend/girlfriend thing or the physical relationship was not what kept me comming back to you. it was the fact that you were always there when i needed you. you listened to me, and tried to understand. you told me how great i was, and how beautiful i am, and how much i deserve out of this life. you told me that i have reasons to survive, and to be here. you stopped me in my tracks when i was about to take it all away. you gave me something that i've never had before. and i thought that ment something. not only to me, but to you too. And maybe it did, but right then, it seemed like you could give a shit less what happened to me. And at first I was so sad. At firest i didn't think that i was gonna make it through. But then all the sudden something changed in me, and i began to resent you, and hate you for what you had done to me. i didn't understand how you could just walk away from me like that. i thought that our friendship was greater then that. i didn't understand how you could treat me this way, after what i had done for you. I was angry and bitter. And i no longer wanted to talk to you. i no longer wanted to call you or see you. at least not for a while. i had no plans of seeing you, or talking to you for a few weeks. And I was really gonna do it. I was doing good. i had gotten strong. i had a back bone fineally, when it came to you at least. and then, you were here. and i wasn't expecting you to be. but i wasn't going to run from you. it was bound to happen sooner or later. When we argued friday night i wasn't sad, or crying about it. I was enragely pissed off. i have no idea where you got off saying what you did to me. and before i will accept you back, as even a small friend, you must apoligise. You said that i wasn't a true friend. and you know thats bullshit. Major fucking bullshit. I won't deny that those guys aren't true friends too, but if you ever think that again, just remember, it wasn't them crying on the phone at 4:00 in the fucking morning, it wasn't them telling you to stay in school, it wasn't them telling you put the gun away. It wasn't them that listened to you. it was me. that was all fucking me. I can't believe that you could even think that i wasn't a true friend. and an apoligie is in need for that. And friday, I just became a billion times more bitter towards you. i had no desire to ever talk to you again. i had no desire to argue with you about this, and no desire to figure this out. You had done the worst things in the world that any one could possibly do to me. And I just wasn't willing to forgive you for that. And I havn't forgiven you yet, but at least, now i'm willing. I'm still hurt, and I'm still unsure of your intentions. but i don't hate you. and i'm not quite so bitter. i don't know whats going to come of this. i don't know how we'll turn out this time. But i do know, that if i'm alone in the end, i'll be ok. Because i know that I can live with out you. Last night, you were in the kitchen listening to music, and i was in the kitchen writing in my not book. and you wer there, and i was there, and we were alone and i knew that we wanted to say something. but we had too much pride. and i'm not willing to do this again. i'm not willing to get hurt any more like this. So this is it. this is the point where i give you the ultimatums. there is no more of this i don't know what i want bullshit. it's time to decide and stick to it. Do you want to be with me or not? And if you do, we are going to be with each other, and no one else. we are going to be officially together, and everyone's going to know it. but if we chose this, both of us will have to change some of our ways. were going to have to make adjustments. And if you decide that you don't want to be with me, then thats it. no more hooking up on the weekends, no more i love you/i miss you. no more. And thats going to take effort on both of our parts. i still want to be your friend. we don't have to be together. either way, things have to change. - - Megan